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11/25/2020 03:26:00 PM · #26 |
True story that amused me.
This afternoon I wrapped the pastry for the apple pie I'm planning to make later and I'd put it in the fridge for "at least an hour" as suggested by the instructions. I turned to check the time on the oven clock and low and behold it said "pie time" !! |
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11/25/2020 04:08:21 PM · #27 |
Originally posted by PennyClick:
True story that amused me.
This afternoon I wrapped the pastry for the apple pie I'm planning to make later and I'd put it in the fridge for "at least an hour" as suggested by the instructions. I turned to check the time on the oven clock and low and behold it said "pie time" !! |
I laughed... 3.14 times! |
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12/01/2020 01:40:32 PM · #28 |
One day At The Pearly Gates...
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, and St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 15th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. As I was walking back through the living room, I glanced out the sliding door at the balcony, and saw a pair of hands. I raced out onto the balcony, gave a yell, and stomped on his hands. I watched him drop, but the awning over the walkway broke his fall and then he was sitting on the ground, okay. So I ran back into the apartment, unplugged the fridge, and pushed it out onto the balcony. I had just lifted it enough to tip it over the railing, and had a heart attack and died.
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said St. Peter, and he let the man in.
The second man comes up and Patrick explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. “It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 16th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man gave a yell and burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved! But he stomped on my hands. I let go, but I got lucky and fell onto the awning and it broke my fall. I was just thanking my lucky stars when a refrigerator fell on me.
Once again, St. Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. St. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“OK” says the third man, “So there I am, naked in a refrigerator....”
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12/07/2020 01:27:20 PM · #29 |
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money. |
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12/07/2020 03:52:35 PM · #30 |
Originally posted by Lydia:
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." |
One of the best blonde jokes/punchlines ever. I guffawed.
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12/07/2020 04:05:43 PM · #31 |
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12/08/2020 03:04:12 PM · #32 |
Ann calls 911
Dispatcher: 911, what’s your emergency?
Ann: I think I’ve killed my husband. You better send an ambulance.
The paramedic arrives, enters the home and sees Ann sitting in a chair, slumped over, holding a golf club. Her husband, lying at her feet, is face down in a pool of blood. The paramedic kneels down to checks her husband’s vital signs.
Paramedic: Geez lady, how many times did you hit him?
Ann: I don’t know… 5, 6 or 7 times. Just put me down for a 5.
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12/08/2020 09:26:19 PM · #33 |
Originally posted by insteps:
Ann calls 911
Dispatcher: 911, what’s your emergency?
Ann: I think I’ve killed my husband. You better send an ambulance.
The paramedic arrives, enters the home and sees Ann sitting in a chair, slumped over, holding a golf club. Her husband, lying at her feet, is face down in a pool of blood. The paramedic kneels down to checks her husband’s vital signs.
Paramedic: Geez lady, how many times did you hit him?
Ann: I don’t know… 5, 6 or 7 times. Just put me down for a 5. |
In case anyone doesn't get it, that's a golf joke :-)
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12/08/2020 10:20:21 PM · #34 |
Originally posted by insteps:
Ann calls 911
Dispatcher: 911, what’s your emergency?
Ann: I think I’ve killed my husband. You better send an ambulance.
The paramedic arrives, enters the home and sees Ann sitting in a chair, slumped over, holding a golf club. Her husband, lying at her feet, is face down in a pool of blood. The paramedic kneels down to checks her husband’s vital signs.
Paramedic: Geez lady, how many times did you hit him?
Ann: I don’t know… 5, 6 or 7 times. Just put me down for a 5. |
Good one! |
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12/09/2020 01:32:21 AM · #35 |
Seniors playing golf:
Golfer 1 to golfer 2 "Did you see where my ball went?"
Golfer 2 "Yes'
Golfer 1 "Well, where?'
Golfer 2 "I can't remember." |
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12/09/2020 12:40:15 PM · #36 |
Originally posted by jomari:
Seniors playing golf:
Golfer 1 to golfer 2 "Did you see where my ball went?"
Golfer 2 "Yes'
Golfer 1 "Well, where?'
Golfer 2 "I can't remember." |
Pretty good. My foursome sounds more like this:
Golfer 1: it’s windy today!
Golfer 2: no it’s Thursday.
Golfer 3: me too, let’s have a beer.
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12/16/2020 02:50:56 PM · #37 |
On a beautiful Sunday morning a pastor decides the weather is too nice for church, and takes the day off to play a round of golf.
The pastor ends up playing the best round of golf he has ever played in his entire life, hitting a birdie or better on every hole, and even got a hole in one!
St. Peter and God are watching from heaven.
St. Peter turns to God and says "Are you really going to let him get away with playing such an amazing round of golf while skipping his Sunday sermon?"
God replies, "Who's he going to tell?"
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12/17/2020 12:52:04 AM · #38 |
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12/17/2020 01:10:03 AM · #39 |
What's the best thing to do if you get caught out on the golf course in a lightning storm?
Hold up a one iron.......because even God can't hit a one iron. |
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12/17/2020 07:53:12 AM · #40 |
How do you stop a Rhinoceros from charging?................Take away his credit card!
Did you hear the one about the head swimming downstream singing “I ain’t got no body”!
I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming!
Ta Duh.... |
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12/17/2020 11:51:33 AM · #41 |
Four golfers wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $2000.
Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.
Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.
"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $2000, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."
"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."
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12/17/2020 11:34:24 PM · #42 |
| you didn't like the way I told it? |
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12/18/2020 12:03:14 AM · #43 |
| well, it wasn't really funny the first time. |
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12/18/2020 09:50:49 AM · #44 |
Originally posted by posthumous:
you didn't like the way I told it? |
Oh, duh me! LOL!!!
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12/18/2020 09:51:24 AM · #45 |
Originally posted by tnun:
well, it wasn't really funny the first time. |
Yeah it was.....admit it! LOL!
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12/19/2020 04:41:54 PM · #46 |
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." |
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12/19/2020 04:49:32 PM · #47 |
Originally posted by insteps:
Originally posted by jomari:
Seniors playing golf:
Golfer 1 to golfer 2 "Did you see where my ball went?"
Golfer 2 "Yes'
Golfer 1 "Well, where?'
Golfer 2 "I can't remember." |
Pretty good. My foursome sounds more like this:
Golfer 1: it’s windy today!
Golfer 2: no it’s Thursday.
Golfer 3: me too, let’s have a beer. |
hahahaha!
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01/08/2021 03:22:11 PM · #48 |
This is a real story I heard on the radio today ...
A scientist was excited at the wildly successful results his team had had rejuvenating mouse optic nerve cells using a special DNA sequence. Upon returning home that evening ...
SCIENTIST: Honey, we've cured blindness in mice!
HIS WIFE: Empty the dishwasher.
If you want to hear the original listen to today's episode of Science Friday ... it sounds even funnier with an English accent, and is interesting and educational. :-) |
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01/18/2021 08:57:29 PM · #49 |
My dad went to UC Berkeley after WW II ... this story of lateral (or, in this case, vertical) thinking is *probably* apocryphal.
A professor asked how the students would determine the height of a tall tall building on campus using a barometer.
All of the students submitted the expected answer except one, who responded "I'd go up the stairs using the barometer as a measuring rod, and by counting the number of marks and multiplying by the size of the barometer I could determine the height of the building."
The professor rejected this answer, but was willing to let the student resubmit an alternative answer. He was disappointed when the student responded "I'd tie a long rope to the barometer and lower it from the roof to the ground; by measuring how much rope it took I could determine the height of the building."
Nooo...try again. "OK, instead of using the rope I'd drop the barometer and time how long it takes to hit the ground. Compensating for the speed of sound in the air and applying a little calculus to the formula for Earth's gravitational acceleration I could determine the height of the building."
By now reaching the height of frustration (so to speak), he decided to give the student one last chance. "I'd track down the superintendent of the building and say 'I'll give you this very expensive barometer if you'll tell me how tall this building is.'"
Class dismissed.
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01/19/2021 12:37:18 AM · #50 |
Originally posted by GeneralE:
My dad went to UC Berkeley after WW II ... this story of lateral (or, in this case, vertical) thinking is *probably* apocryphal.
A professor asked how the students would determine the height of a tall tall building on campus using a barometer.
All of the students submitted the expected answer except one, who responded "I'd go up the stairs using the barometer as a measuring rod, and by counting the number of marks and multiplying by the size of the barometer I could determine the height of the building."
The professor rejected this answer, but was willing to let the student resubmit an alternative answer. He was disappointed when the student responded "I'd tie a long rope to the barometer and lower it from the roof to the ground; by measuring how much rope it took I could determine the height of the building."
Nooo...try again. "OK, instead of using the rope I'd drop the barometer and time how long it takes to hit the ground. Compensating for the speed of sound in the air and applying a little calculus to the formula for Earth's gravitational acceleration I could determine the height of the building."
By now reaching the height of frustration (so to speak), he decided to give the student one last chance. "I'd track down the superintendent of the building and say 'I'll give you this very expensive barometer if you'll tell me how tall this building is.'"
Class dismissed.
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very funny ..
but the bonus was me learning a new word .. apocryphal - (of a story or statement) of doubtful authenticity, although widely circulated as being true. ..
thankyou .. i love learning new words .. :) |
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