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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> Just For Some Laughs 2020-21 Edition
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Showing posts 1 - 25 of 71, descending (reverse)
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06/30/2023 07:34:06 PM · #1
As I get older (and so does my mom); I find similarities in my conversations with her and also knowing my kids will soon be on the receiving end sooner than I would like. LOL

——————————————————

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.

Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."

"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….

"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....

NOT dolphins!"

Message edited by author 2023-06-30 19:34:25.
06/30/2023 06:28:51 PM · #2
I thought I had posted this one before but I can't find it, so here's the latest version ...
========
The old man had been both pious and poor for as long as anyone could remember, yet although his life had been lived modestly he was not completely indifferent to the allure of modern hedonism.

Every morning while walking to work he would recite the same brief prayer, “Please God, let me win the lottery,” over and over almost as a mantra. On his walk home he repeated this routine.

Every day, month after month, year after year he kept at it, until his recitation was nearly automatic.

Then, one overcast morning, he was startled out of his reverie as the clouds parted and a great voice rang out from the heavens:

OK, OK, I hear you, but you gotta help me out:

AT LEAST BUY A TICKET!
04/11/2023 11:18:24 PM · #3
:P
04/11/2023 07:01:40 PM · #4
12/01/2021 04:06:26 PM · #5
Originally posted by GeneralE:

I forgot about this one ... (for about seven years)
================================
The Emperor of Japan was determined to find the best samurai in the land, to add to his his personal bodyguard corp. Court officials scoured the land, and finally the field was narrowed down to three competitors, who were brought to the palace for a final test before the Emperor himself.

In the large hall lined with courtiers, three small jars were placed before the throne, and the first swordsman brought forward. Upon a hand signal, the first jar was uncapped and a mosquito flew out. Without hesitation the samurai whipped his sword through the air and the mosquito fell to the floor, neatly sliced in half.

Nodding in approval, the Emperor motioned for the second swordsman to be brought forward and the test repeated. This time there were two flashing arcs of steel, and the poor insect was not only halved, but quartered.

"A most impressive feat," said the Emperor, "undoubtedly impossible to surpass, but fairness dictates that the third man at least be afforded his opportunity to demonstrate his skill to the nation."

With that, the last samurai came forward, seemingly unperturbed by the hopelessness of his task. As the final jar was uncapped, there was just the barest impression of motion as his kitana appeared to flash through the air and was returned to its scabbard so quickly that some onlookers found it hard to tell if he had drawn the weapon at all. With its distinctive, annoying whine fading quickly the bug flew out a window as the crowd sighed as one.

"I'm sorry," said the Emperor, but your mosquito still lives."

"That is true," replied the confident fellow, with barely a hint of a smile, "but he will no longer reproduce."


LOVE THIS .. !! ... ;)
11/30/2021 07:00:03 PM · #6
Originally posted by Bear_Music:

I was about to kill the spider in the bathroom but Penny told me to take it out, so we went to the pub and had a few pints.

Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.


hahaha! I love how you personalized it, too!
11/30/2021 06:58:50 PM · #7
You see? THIS is the perfect thread to prove that we need emoticons in response to posts!

LOL!

I love the last two, for sure!
11/29/2021 05:14:29 PM · #8
I forgot about this one ... (for about seven years)
================================
The Emperor of Japan was determined to find the best samurai in the land, to add to his his personal bodyguard corp. Court officials scoured the land, and finally the field was narrowed down to three competitors, who were brought to the palace for a final test before the Emperor himself.

In the large hall lined with courtiers, three small jars were placed before the throne, and the first swordsman brought forward. Upon a hand signal, the first jar was uncapped and a mosquito flew out. Without hesitation the samurai whipped his sword through the air and the mosquito fell to the floor, neatly sliced in half.

Nodding in approval, the Emperor motioned for the second swordsman to be brought forward and the test repeated. This time there were two flashing arcs of steel, and the poor insect was not only halved, but quartered.

"A most impressive feat," said the Emperor, "undoubtedly impossible to surpass, but fairness dictates that the third man at least be afforded his opportunity to demonstrate his skill to the nation."

With that, the last samurai came forward, seemingly unperturbed by the hopelessness of his task. As the final jar was uncapped, there was just the barest impression of motion as his kitana appeared to flash through the air and was returned to its scabbard so quickly that some onlookers found it hard to tell if he had drawn the weapon at all. With its distinctive, annoying whine fading quickly the bug flew out a window as the crowd sighed as one.

"I'm sorry," said the Emperor, but your mosquito still lives."

"That is true," replied the confident fellow, with barely a hint of a smile, "but he will no longer reproduce."
09/22/2021 10:22:48 AM · #9
A blonde and a brunette are walking down opposite banks of a canal. The Brunette calls out to the blonde "How can I get to the other side?", to which the brunette replied, "You're already there!"
09/21/2021 10:19:25 PM · #10
3 applicants appear for a job interview. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one is a politician. The interviewer asks the mathematician “how much is 3 + 5?”. The mathematician answers “8”. The same is asked of the statistician. He says “it’s more than 7 and less than 9”. Finally the politician is asked the same question. He replies “how much do you want it to be?” !!!
09/21/2021 03:03:41 PM · #11
Originally posted by NikonJeb:

One day At The Pearly Gates...

A lawyer approached St. Peter who remarked, "You look fantastic for your age."

"What do you mean?" the lawyer replied, "I had a heart attack at 57, just like my dad."

"Oh," said the bemused Peter, "from the number of hours you billed clients we figured you had to be at least 140."

=========

You can tell it's going to be a bad day when you're in line behind Mother Teresa and you hear St. Peter murmur, "You know, you could have done more ..."
03/02/2021 10:55:33 AM · #12
An interesting fact came about during a study....

The Canary Islands actually do *not* have a single canary!

Same thing for the Virgin Islands......

Not a single canary!
02/21/2021 12:50:16 AM · #13
Originally posted by GolferDDS:

How do you stop a Rhinoceros from charging?................Take away his credit card!

Did you hear the one about the head swimming downstream singing “I ain’t got no body”!

I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming!

Ta Duh....


These are funny.
I may be able to remember these.
02/16/2021 08:14:59 PM · #14
No jokes. Just pulling up a seat to the bar. You guys are actually quite funny. :-)

02/16/2021 06:55:22 PM · #15
LOL!
02/16/2021 06:43:39 PM · #16
Although new car sales have been surprisingly strong during the pandemic, there has been an alarming increase in the number of heated (and occasionally violent) confrontations between customers -- usually young, childless couples -- and car salesmen. Police and social scientists were puzzled by the fact that virtually all of these occurred at Honda dealerships. It turns out that the customers were trying to buy an expensive luxury model, but when the salesman checked their income and credit he told them that they really should have a Fit.

02/04/2021 06:50:50 PM · #17
I was about to kill the spider in the bathroom but Penny told me to take it out, so we went to the pub and had a few pints.

Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
01/26/2021 10:03:53 AM · #18
The Boston supermarket cashier looked on bemusedly as the customer heaped a huge pile of items directly under the "10 Items or Fewer" sign.

"I guess you must be a university student," she said.

"Yes, how could you tell?"

"Well, either you're from Harvard and you can't count, or you're from MIT and you can't read."
01/19/2021 07:08:28 PM · #19
How to give your cat a pill:

01/19/2021 02:09:34 AM · #20
Originally posted by Bear_Music:

Originally posted by roz:

the bonus was me learning a new word .. apocryphal - (of a story or statement) of doubtful authenticity, although widely circulated as being true. ..
thankyou .. i love learning new words .. :)

It's a wonderful word, isn't it? :-)


what i found wonderful was that I could actually hear how it should sound .. it wasn't obvious .. ;) ..
thankyou google ..!!..
before i heard it i tried a couple of pronunciations that turned out to be wrong .. !! ..
01/19/2021 01:10:47 AM · #21
Originally posted by roz:

the bonus was me learning a new word .. apocryphal - (of a story or statement) of doubtful authenticity, although widely circulated as being true. ..
thankyou .. i love learning new words .. :)

It's a wonderful word, isn't it? :-)
01/19/2021 12:37:18 AM · #22
Originally posted by GeneralE:

My dad went to UC Berkeley after WW II ... this story of lateral (or, in this case, vertical) thinking is *probably* apocryphal.

A professor asked how the students would determine the height of a tall tall building on campus using a barometer.

All of the students submitted the expected answer except one, who responded "I'd go up the stairs using the barometer as a measuring rod, and by counting the number of marks and multiplying by the size of the barometer I could determine the height of the building."

The professor rejected this answer, but was willing to let the student resubmit an alternative answer. He was disappointed when the student responded "I'd tie a long rope to the barometer and lower it from the roof to the ground; by measuring how much rope it took I could determine the height of the building."

Nooo...try again. "OK, instead of using the rope I'd drop the barometer and time how long it takes to hit the ground. Compensating for the speed of sound in the air and applying a little calculus to the formula for Earth's gravitational acceleration I could determine the height of the building."

By now reaching the height of frustration (so to speak), he decided to give the student one last chance. "I'd track down the superintendent of the building and say 'I'll give you this very expensive barometer if you'll tell me how tall this building is.'"

Class dismissed.



very funny ..
but the bonus was me learning a new word .. apocryphal - (of a story or statement) of doubtful authenticity, although widely circulated as being true. ..
thankyou .. i love learning new words .. :)
01/18/2021 08:57:29 PM · #23
My dad went to UC Berkeley after WW II ... this story of lateral (or, in this case, vertical) thinking is *probably* apocryphal.

A professor asked how the students would determine the height of a tall tall building on campus using a barometer.

All of the students submitted the expected answer except one, who responded "I'd go up the stairs using the barometer as a measuring rod, and by counting the number of marks and multiplying by the size of the barometer I could determine the height of the building."

The professor rejected this answer, but was willing to let the student resubmit an alternative answer. He was disappointed when the student responded "I'd tie a long rope to the barometer and lower it from the roof to the ground; by measuring how much rope it took I could determine the height of the building."

Nooo...try again. "OK, instead of using the rope I'd drop the barometer and time how long it takes to hit the ground. Compensating for the speed of sound in the air and applying a little calculus to the formula for Earth's gravitational acceleration I could determine the height of the building."

By now reaching the height of frustration (so to speak), he decided to give the student one last chance. "I'd track down the superintendent of the building and say 'I'll give you this very expensive barometer if you'll tell me how tall this building is.'"

Class dismissed.

01/08/2021 03:22:11 PM · #24
This is a real story I heard on the radio today ...

A scientist was excited at the wildly successful results his team had had rejuvenating mouse optic nerve cells using a special DNA sequence. Upon returning home that evening ...

SCIENTIST: Honey, we've cured blindness in mice!

HIS WIFE: Empty the dishwasher.

If you want to hear the original listen to today's episode of Science Friday ... it sounds even funnier with an English accent, and is interesting and educational. :-)
12/19/2020 04:49:32 PM · #25
Originally posted by insteps:

Originally posted by jomari:

Seniors playing golf:

Golfer 1 to golfer 2 "Did you see where my ball went?"
Golfer 2 "Yes'
Golfer 1 "Well, where?'
Golfer 2 "I can't remember."


Pretty good. My foursome sounds more like this:

Golfer 1: it’s windy today!
Golfer 2: no it’s Thursday.
Golfer 3: me too, let’s have a beer.


hahahaha!
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