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10/18/2004 01:55:36 PM · #1 |
Subject: Health & Fitness
The Facts:
1: Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste
them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you
can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
2: Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.
3: Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity
bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
4: Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
5: Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.
My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
6: Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
7: Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not!
When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
8: Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO...Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
9: Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
10: Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
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10/18/2004 02:09:35 PM · #2 |
well my GF is s fitness model...and I copy-pasted this and emailed her....finally someone with my point of view!!
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10/18/2004 02:11:21 PM · #3 |
| Thank you, I needed a laugh today. (and affirmatin. hehehehe) |
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10/18/2004 02:32:11 PM · #4 |
Jack LaLanne was in town celebrating his 90th birthday this weekend. His next planned adventure is an underwater swim from Catalina to the mainland (about 26 miles).
My own views on the matter lie somewhere betwen these extremes.
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10/18/2004 02:44:55 PM · #5 |
Hahaha! :))
I think my fitness regime should start as suggested, straight away...now...
where did I put the chips, and the beer??
Message edited by author 2004-10-18 14:45:20. |
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10/18/2004 02:48:22 PM · #6 |
Well, it made me smile :)
but in light of the recent 'labels' thread I guess I'd better say that the above was (most likely) written in jest and not to be taken as a healthy fitness regime lol
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10/18/2004 03:10:10 PM · #7 |
LOL :)
Something to lighten up my evening :D
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12/19/2004 10:23:08 AM · #8 |
Originally posted by Formerlee:
Hahaha! :))
I think my fitness regime should start as suggested, straight away...now...
where did I put the chips, and the beer?? |
Somehow in searching for a recipe, I came across this important information:
Slugs Prefer.....
In 1987, Colorado State University Entomology Professor Whitney Cranshaw had his students conduct a test for the beverage most favored by local slugs:
Here's the results of that experiment. Note Budweiser was chosen as the test standard and the number of slugs choosing bud represented one Bud Unit.
Kingsbury Malt Beverage was the winner!
If you live out West look for Dr. Cranshaw's excellent book "Pests of the West."
Beverage Preference Rate
Bud Light .89
Budweiser 1.00
Coors .56
Coors Light .79
Fort Collins CO tap water .06
Gallo Pink Chablis .09
Kingsbury Malt Beverage 1.14
Michelob 1.04
Miller .68
Miller Lite .57
Old Milwaukee .81
Schaefer .69
Sugar-water and yeast .57
Message edited by author 2004-12-19 10:24:35. |
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12/19/2004 11:36:38 AM · #9 |
| I work at Wal-Mart, and I had this guy come through my line once and he was about 90 years old and most people this age just come puttering along, and can barely stand yadayadayada. Anyway, this guy was different, he was full of energy and life and as he laid his groceries out on the conveyer, I noticed he had some chocolate chips so I asked him if he was going to do any baking and he replied: "No, I attribute my good health to drinking cows milk and eating semi sweet chocolate chips everyday" Now, that's a diet!! |
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12/19/2004 11:50:36 AM · #10 |
My buddy has a plan to look good.
Instead of spending 4 hours a week or more excersizing, he spends that time working, earning money.
He will soon have enough saved for liposuction.
He will look great and never had to break a sweat!
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12/19/2004 11:54:03 AM · #11 |
i exercise my heart daily.
strict regiment of beer, cigarettes, and fried food.
the intake of carbon monoxide keeps my red blood cells on their toes, and makes them more efficient in their search for oxygen.
the alcohol numbs the pain of all the heart workouts.
the fried food gives my arteries a thicker wall so they are less likely to hemorage.
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12/19/2004 11:58:51 AM · #12 |
I believe in survival of the fittest. So all us slobs will die.
... so will everyone else. |
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12/19/2004 12:11:36 PM · #13 |
survival of fittest - does not mean health wise.
those who can tolerate more abuse will spread their superior genes onto the next generation - which will be able to tolerate even more abuse... and so on and so on.
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12/19/2004 12:42:32 PM · #14 |
| I wanted to excersize once; so I bought a workout machine. It was too much effort to put it together. |
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