Writing help requested - may not be work safe

Canon EF-S 55-250mm f/4-5.6 IS

12/04/2005 07:33:13 PM · #1

I'm working on a story and I've got a slight problem. There's something wrong with the last sentence in this paragraph, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Any help?

"Samantha awoke, uncertain what had disturbed her sleep. She turned over, restless, and was shocked into full awareness when her hand encountered a body that should not have been in her bed. She reached above her head and flipped on her reading light. Charlie lay next to her, her head propped on her hand, blinking in the sudden light, and Sam did not miss the fact that, under the sheets, Charlie was wearing only a brief negligee."

Canon EOS-60D

12/04/2005 07:36:49 PM · #2

It's too long... try breaking it up with a period instead of commas.

"Charlie lay next to her, her head propped on her hand, blinking in the sudden light. Sam did not miss the fact that, under the sheets, Charlie was wearing only a brief negligee."

Nikon AF-S DX Zoom-Nikkor 18-70mm f/3.5-4.5G IF-ED

12/04/2005 07:38:29 PM · #3

Thank you! That's it!
Laurie to the rescue again!
:)

ladyhawk22

Sony DSLR-A700

Sony 50mm f/1.4

12/04/2005 07:42:30 PM · #4

Hey saracat, I think you've got an extra comma too:

"Sam did not miss the fact that under the sheets, Charlie was wearing only a brief negligee."

Prepositional phrases don't normally have to be separated by two commas...I think just the second one will do.

sir_bazz

Pentax K-5

Pentax FA 50mm f/1.4 AF

12/04/2005 07:56:15 PM · #5

Charlie should be wearing boxer shorts ?

bazz.

Shecoya

Nikon D70s

12/04/2005 07:56:23 PM · #6

K but now I wanna read the entire story *smiles* ..

jes sayin'

Spork99

OM System OM-1

Canon EF 100mm f/2.8 USM Macro

12/04/2005 07:57:59 PM · #7

Tell me Charlie's a girl......

Canon EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 USM

12/04/2005 08:03:09 PM · #8

Charlie is a girl, so no boxers. :P

Thanks for the reminder about the commas, ladyhawk.

Shecoya - story still in progress. If you're still interested when I'm done, I'll PM it to you and you can proofread if you like. 'kay?

rox_rox

Canon EOS-20D

12/04/2005 09:00:49 PM · #9

Sara,
Sounds like a fascinating story. Hope you share it with all of us, when it's done.

I'm certainly no expert on punctuation; however, I'm pretty good at visualization. IMHO, the description "brief negligee" doesn't elicit a vision of sexiness (assuming that is what your are going for). It seems more like a description of a garment from a lingerie catalog, than what would be seen on hot babe in a man's bed (from an imagined male's POV). Because I know little about undergarment terminology, I get caught up in wondering if it means a small negligee, a negligee with briefs, or something crafted from legal papers;)

You might want to ask some guys, but perhaps something like "a clingy wisp of silk" or "a lacy red negligee". Perhaps that's too romance novelish for your story. But it's just a thought.

Shecoya

Nikon D70s

Nikon AF-S DX Zoom-Nikkor 18-70mm f/3.5-4.5G IF-ED

12/04/2005 09:10:03 PM · #10

Originally posted by saracat:

Shecoya - story still in progress. If you're still interested when I'm done, I'll PM it to you and you can proofread if you like. 'kay?

Fo'sho.. I'd love that. I write a bit myself along the same lines always interested in reading more :)

12/04/2005 09:17:52 PM · #11

greatandsmall - I tend to agree with you. Still working on rough draft, but I will keep the suggestions in mind. Also, from the way it's going, I don't think DPC would be a good place to post it, but if you're interested I can email it to you & you can help with the proofing...

Shecoya - I've made a note to m'self that you're interested in reading it, but I warn you - I'm a s l o w writer, so it could be a while. :)

Sigma 17-70mm f/2.8-4.5 DC Macro for Canon

12/04/2005 09:20:06 PM · #12

>>> oops <<<

Message edited by author 2005-12-04 21:20:52.

Jutilda

Canon EOS-7D

12/04/2005 09:45:00 PM · #13

Laurie did excactly what was needed. I'm a big fan of run on sentences, but that one did need to be cut in half. It still worked well and the idea was more easily conveyed.

Can't wait til we get to read the whole story.

Bear_Music

Samsung Galaxy S24, S24+, S24 Ultra

Sony Vario-Tessar T* FE 24-70mm f/4 ZA OSS

12/04/2005 09:57:20 PM · #14

Originally posted by saracat:

Samantha awoke, uncertain what had disturbed her sleep. She stretched out her hand and came to sudden, full awareness when she touched a body that should not have been in her bed. Reaching above her head, she flipped on the reading light to reveal Charlie lying next to her, blinking in the sudden bright.

(I'll pass on the negligee and the heaving, nubile breasts :-)

R.