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07/26/2004 10:37:42 AM · #26 |
How do you top a car?
Tep on da brake tupid!
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07/26/2004 10:38:01 AM · #27 |
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says,
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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07/26/2004 10:38:41 AM · #28 |
Read this aloud-
"I'M SOFA KING WE TODD IT"
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07/26/2004 03:35:31 PM · #29 |
my best joke ever......
[sorry about all the arrows, just copied and pasted.
> > Subject: Art of the Irish
> >
> > A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was
> > staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
> >
> > The painting depicted three very black, totally naked men sitting on a
> > bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
> > middle had a pink penis.
> >
> > The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
> > interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
> > nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation
> > of
> > African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. "In
> > fact," he pointed out, "some serious art critics believe that the pink
> > penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced
> > by gay men in contemporary society."
> >
> > After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
> > "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
> > "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
> > the gallery?" asked the couple.
> > "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are
> > no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish
> > coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." |
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07/26/2004 04:25:03 PM · #30 |
Two Kestrels sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says
"can you smell fish?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one!
A guy was sitting alone in a bar when he heres a whisper "hey you look good tonight" he turns around but sees nobody, a couple of moments later he hears another whisper "hey, handsome you dress really well" again he looks around the bar but see's nobody. A moment later he hears "hey, ugle mug, you should bath more often - and get a haircut".
spinning on his barstool he again is greeted with an empty bar. Puzzled he relates these events to the barman..... "simple" says the barman
The nuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order!
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07/26/2004 04:29:00 PM · #31 |
A man was drinking at the pub, and decided he should head home before his wife figured out where he was. He was very drunk when he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face! He tried to get up and again fell flat on his face. He was determined to make it home, so he continued this steady if not painful way to get home. When he got home he quietly crawled into bed and fell fast asleep.
In the morning his wife asked him if he'd been drinking at the pub last night. He looked shocked and said "No! Why do you ask?"
She replied, "The bartender called, you forgot your wheelchair again."
Message edited by author 2004-07-26 16:30:32.
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07/26/2004 04:34:26 PM · #32 |
A bit out of season:
Christmas Cake
You'll need:
1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 4 eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and 1 bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check whisky again. Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two eggs and add to the bowl, and chuck in the drup of cied fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Pour one cevel lup of dhisky and wink. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Beat water vigorously and discard. Add any extra tuff left on counter to bowl. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.
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07/26/2004 04:46:57 PM · #33 |
A visitor to Oxford University remarked to one of the gardeners on the incredible desnity and thickness of the lawns, and inquired as to what special techniqes they used to achieve such magnificent and luxuriant growth.
"Oh, no special technique," replied the gardener, "just seed it, roll it, water it, and mow it."
"That's all?" asked the puzzled visitor>
"That's it," said the gardener, "just roll it, water it, and mow it ... and keep doing that for 600 years." |
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07/26/2004 08:26:42 PM · #34 |
Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"
Message edited by author 2004-07-26 22:41:53. |
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08/02/2004 11:34:35 AM · #35 |
From one of the humor sites:
Received from: Lorraine { Readers' Rating: 37.20% } { Total votes: 82 }
There were so many people lining the sidewalks to view a passing parade that I despaired of ever getting a clear photograph. After making several unsuccessful tries, I noticed a woman focusing her lens directly at the heads in front of her. I was about to warn her that the shot was impossible when she screamed, "Everybody duck! " Spectators around and in front of her complied, giving her a clear view of the parade. She then thanked the bewildered crowd and walked away with possibly the best photo of the day. |
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08/02/2004 12:18:14 PM · #36 |
Originally posted by Pedro:
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "why the long face?" |
Thought that was Celine Dion?
:)
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08/02/2004 12:45:35 PM · #37 |
| A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender asks " What will you have?", the seal replies " Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks." |
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08/02/2004 12:51:27 PM · #38 |
Originally posted by jmsetzler:
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
ONE DAMMIT! |
long version
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!
I'm sorry ... what did you ask me? |
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08/02/2004 12:57:58 PM · #39 |
Two peanuts were walking Central Park. One was a salted.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. She's been told twice already.
Sorry for the last one.
Message edited by author 2004-08-02 12:58:33. |
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08/02/2004 01:02:15 PM · #40 |
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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08/02/2004 01:48:41 PM · #41 |
From Joke-Of-The-Day
Advertising Lingo
Submitted by John S
Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it. |
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08/14/2004 02:01:13 PM · #42 |
******* Where Are We ********
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
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08/14/2004 02:55:29 PM · #43 |
| Why don't Avon ladies go jogging?..........Lipstick. |
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08/14/2004 02:55:36 PM · #44 |
Two Blondes walked into a building.
You would think that just maybe one of them would have seen it?
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08/14/2004 02:57:54 PM · #45 |
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy are walking down the street. They all spot a $10 bill lying on the sidewalk. Which one picks it up?
The dumb blonde. Why?
because the other three don't exist, silly!
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08/14/2004 02:58:58 PM · #46 |
A young punker gets on the crosstown bus, He's got spiked,multicolored haur that's green,purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewerly and his earrings are big,bright feathers.
He sits down in only vacant seat,directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finaly,the punk gets self conscious and barks at teh old man : "What are you looking at you old fart..........didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat,the old man replies:"Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought,maybe you were my son." |
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08/14/2004 03:05:11 PM · #47 |
knock knock
who's there?
Impatient Cow
Impatien.....
MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! |
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08/14/2004 03:19:16 PM · #48 |
Little Johnny and Sally were out playing in the farmersâ field one day, when Little Johnny cut his finger REALLY BADLY. Johnny said âIâm going to have to go home and get my finger cleaned upâ Sally replied âWhenever my Daddy cuts his fingers he goes out to the cow field and sticks it one of the cows bums. This makes it all better.â Johnny agreed and they walked over the next hill looking for the cows. But, none could be found anywhere. Sally not wanting to go home so soon suggested that Johnny could put his finger in her bum to make it better. Johnny agreed to try. So Sally lifted her skirt and bent over.
A couple of minutes later Sally said âJust so you know Johnny thatâs not my bum.â And Johnny replied âThatâs OK, Itâs not my fingerâ
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08/14/2004 03:23:39 PM · #49 |
Bad day at work?
Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to The X, 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne IN, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."
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08/14/2004 03:24:58 PM · #50 |
A Blonde
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
Message edited by author 2004-08-14 15:27:38.
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