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06/16/2006 07:09:37 PM · #251 |
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
(After a brief pause, Daddy says,) "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
*Brief Pause*
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table; run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's
dead"
**Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
"Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731???"
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06/16/2006 07:54:07 PM · #252 |
True Story:
My husband was playing in a charity golf tournament. There were some young girls serving food who had never been at the golf course before. My husband ordered some food and as he ate his lunch some friends of his pulled up in their cart making the turn. Bill yelled to them "how you playing? "His friend said "I'm having trouble driving". One of the girls said "Why don't you let the other guy drive?"
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06/16/2006 08:19:48 PM · #253 |
lol thats a great one
Originally posted by 3DsArcher:
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"
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06/17/2006 06:33:54 AM · #254 |
Good thing we had another 4x4 to pull out the Rover!! |
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06/22/2006 05:16:45 PM · #255 |
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
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06/22/2006 06:47:14 PM · #256 |
| An engineer was walking down the street when he heard a voice say "Kiss me and I'll become a beautiful princess." He looked around and saw only a frog by the pond. The frog said again, "Kiss me and I'll become a beautiful princes." The engineer scratched his head for a moment and then picked up the frog and put it in his backpack. The frog offered "Kiss me, turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a week." The engineer stopped, took the frog out and smiled, then placed it back in his backpack. This continued for some time with the frog asking for a kiss and the engineer each time took her out, smiled, and put her back in the backpack. Finally the frog asked, "Why won't you do this for me? I'll do anything you want, I"ll stay with you for ever, just kiss me please!" The engineer stopped and took the frog out of his backpack. Looking directly in the frog's eyes, he said "I'm an engineer, I have projects to complete on deadline. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, Now that's slick!" |
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06/23/2006 03:45:22 PM · #257 |
| google "failure" and hit the I'm feeling lucky button |
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06/23/2006 04:09:26 PM · #258 |
Originally posted by Egor:
An engineer was walking down the street when he heard a voice say "Kiss me and I'll become a beautiful princess." He looked around and saw only a frog by the pond. The frog said again, "Kiss me and I'll become a beautiful princes." The engineer scratched his head for a moment and then picked up the frog and put it in his backpack. The frog offered "Kiss me, turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a week." The engineer stopped, took the frog out and smiled, then placed it back in his backpack. This continued for some time with the frog asking for a kiss and the engineer each time took her out, smiled, and put her back in the backpack. Finally the frog asked, "Why won't you do this for me? I'll do anything you want, I"ll stay with you for ever, just kiss me please!" The engineer stopped and took the frog out of his backpack. Looking directly in the frog's eyes, he said "I'm an engineer, I have projects to complete on deadline. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, Now that's slick!" |
I'm married to an engineer. This joke is almost too close to home to be way too funny. :) |
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06/23/2006 04:39:42 PM · #259 |
David Beckham at a press conference.." i like `em because they taste nice and make my breath smell good."
Reporter shouts back.."TACTICS YOU THICK C%&* " |
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06/23/2006 05:02:02 PM · #260 |
Woman vs Man
Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids."
Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person."
[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]
Man: "What's wrong?"
Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong."
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06/23/2006 05:03:16 PM · #261 |
HOW NOT TO COMMIT A BANK ROBBERY
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.
Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
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06/23/2006 07:47:48 PM · #262 |
WORLD CUP FINAL
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty
seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty." This is incredible!" says the other
man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World
Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
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06/23/2006 11:33:26 PM · #263 |
Murphy's Laws of Computing
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
A Mechanic's Work
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one.
So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ..... He said : "Try to do it when the engine is running". |
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06/24/2006 01:40:32 PM · #264 |
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-comic-strip-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the managers we work for in corporate America.
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"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) |
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06/25/2006 12:30:33 AM · #265 |
| "In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count who votes." |
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06/25/2006 12:36:57 AM · #266 |
***adult humour warning***
Q. What is grosser than gross?
A. When a midget says your hair smells good!
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06/25/2006 12:51:22 AM · #267 |
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06/26/2006 07:33:13 PM · #268 |
Originally posted by GeneralE:
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The local sheriff was sponsoring a demolition derby as a fundraiser for local driver education programs, however one young man had his entry application turned down on the grounds that he was too inexperienced.
Angrily, he confronted the sheriff himself and said, "I don't care what these officers say, I am not a wreckless driver!"
Message edited by author 2006-06-26 19:33:52. |
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06/28/2006 11:13:08 AM · #269 |
Cross-post:
Originally posted by American_Horse:
June 28
1975: Pro golfer Lee Trevino survives to putt another day after being hit by lightning at the Western Open golf tournament in Illinois. |
This must be the origin of the joke/quote I thought was attributed to him:
A reporter asked Lee Trevino how to protect oneself from lightning on the golf course.
"Just hold a one-iron high up over your head," he answered.
"Why in heaven would you do that?" gasped the shocked reporter, to which Trevino replied, "Everyone knows that not even God can hit a one-iron." |
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07/07/2006 03:08:47 AM · #270 |
I'm sure someone will come up with the flipside for these! :)
1. Men are like ...Laxatives - They irritate the s**t out of you.
2. Men are like ... Bananas - The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ... Weather - Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ... Blenders - You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials - You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ... Department Stores - Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ... Government Bonds - They take sooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ... Mascara -. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ... Popcorn -They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ... Snowstorms -. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ... Lava Lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright.
-13. Men are like ...- Parking Spots -All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. |
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07/08/2006 02:38:01 PM · #271 |
This was too good to pass up:
Small Man Comedy |
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07/20/2006 10:37:59 PM · #272 |
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"
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07/20/2006 10:41:31 PM · #273 |
Definitions I
1)Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
2)Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
3)Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
4)Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
5)Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
6)Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
7)Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
8)Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
9)Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
10)Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
11)Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
12)Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
13)Experience : The name men give to their mistakes
14)Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
15)Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
16)Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
17)Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
18)Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
19)Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
20)Father : A banker provided by nature.
21)Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
22)Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
23)Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
24)Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
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07/20/2006 10:47:53 PM · #274 |
What did Mr. Spock find in the Enterprise toilet?
The Captain's Log |
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07/20/2006 10:49:34 PM · #275 |
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