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07/26/2004 12:02:16 PM · #1 |
25 Ways to Cope With Stress.
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
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07/26/2004 12:06:14 PM · #2 |
Originally posted by Glen King:
25 Ways to Cope With Stress.
Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper. |
I always injected a little Tabasco ... |
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07/26/2004 12:09:29 PM · #3 |
For those of you starting college classes soon...
Relieving Stress in Class
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
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07/26/2004 12:10:58 PM · #4 |
one more...for right now, anyway...
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
edit...a whole website chock full o' these...
Message edited by author 2004-07-26 12:32:05.
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07/26/2004 12:30:02 PM · #5 |
Originally posted by Glen King:
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
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Bad, bad, bad idea, it costs $75 to have the Dr. extract foreign objects when they get stuck up the nose. I know from experience.
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07/26/2004 12:33:02 PM · #6 |
Once I paid a guy $20 to put a White Castles cheese fry in through his nose and get it out through his mouth. He did it. best $20 I ever spent.
He said he smelled liquid cheese for three days after. |
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07/26/2004 12:36:09 PM · #7 |
Originally posted by Spazmo99:
Originally posted by Glen King:
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
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Bad, bad, bad idea, it costs $75 to have the Dr. extract foreign objects when they get stuck up the nose. I know from experience. |
hahha what did you stick up your nose?
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07/26/2004 12:47:56 PM · #8 |
Originally posted by Spazmo99:
Originally posted by Glen King:
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
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Bad, bad, bad idea, it costs $75 to have the Dr. extract foreign objects when they get stuck up the nose. I know from experience. |
...true story...back in March we had a three-year-old child of one of my students in our day care, and for two weeks he had the most HORRIBLE smell coming from his mouth and nose. The doctor said it was a sinus infection...but nothing helped. Finally, we took him and his mother to the ER where the ER doc found a silver-dollar sized piece of sponge (like a kitchen sponge) stuffed way up in his nose, and promptly removed it. OMG...it was horrific and nasty...but at least he didn't smell bad anymore and could breathe!!!! Can you imagine??????
Now...is everyone ready for lunch??? LOL
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07/26/2004 01:06:53 PM · #9 |
My college roommate once woke me up at 3am to help him remove an entire dollar bill completely buried in his ear. I suggested it might be easier to draw it out through the other side. ;-)
BTW Glen, my pets were not amused.
Message edited by author 2004-07-26 13:07:49. |
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07/26/2004 01:19:31 PM · #10 |
From Lon Simmons' Baseball Hall of Fame Induction "speech" on Sunday, 7/25/04:
Joe Morgan is really competitive, and we were even as we approached the 18th tee. My drive was right down the middle, while his found the deep rough off to the right.
We searched and searched, and finally I said "You know, Joe, you only have five minutes."
"You go ahead and shoot, I'll keep looking," he replied.
Knowing I had the hole won, I went ahead and laid up softly on the very front of the green. As I walked up to putt out, I heard a shout of "I found it!" from behind me, and here came the ball slashing out of the rough, skipping right through the bunker, and ending up THIS close to the hole.
Now, what do you say when you have HIS ball in YOUR pocket? |
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07/26/2004 01:23:42 PM · #11 |
| Toss it back into the rough and point. |
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07/26/2004 01:31:00 PM · #12 |
An old college friend of mine once got off of a full elevator and then just stood there staring at everyone until the doors started to close. Right before they closed, he threw his backpack into the elevator and yelled, "Run!" I can't recommend highly enough that none of you ever do that. :-)
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07/26/2004 03:05:52 PM · #13 |
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
Been there, done that. And it works! About 6-7 yrs ago we had a meeting at work. Our Gen Mgr was retiring so they were honoring him and introducing the new guy. About 200 employees were assembled and I went to the front of the audience so all the mgmt people could see my sign. Ever see about 35 suits try to check themselves inconspicuoulsy all the while trying to be cool and serious to impress the new boss? Wish I'd had a camera that day. |
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07/26/2004 03:11:25 PM · #14 |
Originally posted by hsteg:
Originally posted by Spazmo99:
Originally posted by Glen King:
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
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Bad, bad, bad idea, it costs $75 to have the Dr. extract foreign objects when they get stuck up the nose. I know from experience. |
hahha what did you stick up your nose? |
Not me, my 3 year old. It was corn.
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07/26/2004 03:21:58 PM · #15 |
Subject: FW: Rules to live by
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing
sound they make as they go flying by.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you
can solve it more easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and
some days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he/she isn't there the first time, chances are
you won't be needing him/her again...
I don't have an attitude problem; you have a
perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars
in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the
heck is the ceiling?
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger
on the escape key.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding
through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because
you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down
to their level, then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the butt.
After any salary raise, you will have less money
at the end of the month than you did before.
You can go anywhere you want, if you look
serious and carry a clipboard. [excuse me I'm a photographer].
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
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07/26/2004 03:22:34 PM · #16 |
We used to get a group together on our street to play "Pull"
You get two groups of 3 or 4 people across the street from each other. When a car comes along, the two groups pretend to pull a string taut across the road. The driver usually freaks out and slams on the brakes. Once they realize they've been had, they would get really angry.
One guy who was drunk, chased us around on foot, stumbling around for a good 5 minutes, before giving up and trying to get back in his still running car. Unfortunately for him, he had inadvertantly locked the keys inside. A neighbor who had heard him running around yelling and cursing called the cops, who showed up and busted him, trying to break into his own car.
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07/30/2004 03:54:29 PM · #17 |
Top Ten Tech Support Stories from Microsoft
An example ...
A Motherâs Triumph
By Leah Freedman
I called my 83-year-old mom in Connecticut the other day to find her pleased with herself and ready to add Tech Support to her many skills and accomplishments. She had just come home from her volunteer job in the school cafeteria and sat down for a few games of Freecell on her second-hand, 386, Windows 95 PC, only to find all of the icons missing from the desktop. She called her son-in-law for help.
âHe told me to turn the computer off and then on again, which I did, but it didnât help, so he said heâd come by in the evening to look at it. I thought, why should I bother him? Iâll try to do something myself. You know the box that sits on the floor by the desk and always makes noise? Iâve seen him push a little button on that box sometimes, so I tried the same thing. Well, the screen went blank, but it came back on and eventually the icons came back. Ha! I fixed it without anyoneâs help!â
One day Iâll try, again, to explain to Mom the difference between the monitor and the computer, but for now Iâll just let her enjoy her triumph in the world of technology. |
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07/30/2004 04:45:58 PM · #18 |
Those are great, Paul. Reminds me of a troubleshooting incident I had a while back with a co-worker. She came to me hysterical because she had "broken" her computer, and needed me to fix it right away. When I asked what the problem was, she said that she had been dusting around her keyboard and must have hit the wrong keys because her mouse was totally uncontrollable. Suspicious, I asked her to show me.
She walked back to her computer, and moved the mouse around. When it jumped erratically across the screen, she declared, "See, it's not my imagination! It's BROKEN!"
I calmy reached down and rotated her mouse 180 degrees so that the cord faced away from her. "Try it now." I don't think she could look at me for a week. |
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07/30/2004 04:59:23 PM · #19 |
Yes, there's a "famous" story about a guy who special-ordered Part #669, who angrily sent back the box he got with the "wrong" part, #699, and who ultimately got back the same (unopened) box with a Post-It reading "Turn the box over"
Message edited by author 2004-07-30 16:59:59. |
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07/30/2004 05:04:10 PM · #20 |
[quote=laurielblack] For those of you starting college classes soon...
Relieving Stress in Class
I'm am laughing so hard my head hurts...R.O.F.L |
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07/30/2004 05:19:05 PM · #21 |
Originally posted by laurielblack:
For those of you starting college classes soon...
Relieving Stress in Class
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall. |
Oh great!!! I'm a teacher.... Just what I need....
Where is the stress relief for Teachers one?
;-) Bob
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07/30/2004 05:24:03 PM · #22 |
Originally posted by scalvert:
Those are great, Paul. Reminds me of a troubleshooting incident I had a while back with a co-worker. She came to me hysterical because she had "broken" her computer, and needed me to fix it right away. When I asked what the problem was, she said that she had been dusting around her keyboard and must have hit the wrong keys because her mouse was totally uncontrollable. Suspicious, I asked her to show me.
She walked back to her computer, and moved the mouse around. When it jumped erratically across the screen, she declared, "See, it's not my imagination! It's BROKEN!"
I calmy reached down and rotated her mouse 180 degrees so that the cord faced away from her. "Try it now." I don't think she could look at me for a week. |
I turned my mouse around just to see what this looked like! :)
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07/30/2004 05:32:15 PM · #23 |
| We got a new program at work so we had to go to training. You don't know how hard it was for me to not send around two or three sign up sheets. Every time I saw the one being passed around I couldn't help but laugh. If the class had been just a little larger, I think I could have got away with it. |
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07/30/2004 06:10:09 PM · #24 |
Originally posted by Gurilla:
Where is the stress relief for Teachers one?
;-) Bob |
If I posted it, the Texas Education Agency would hunt me down, revoke all of my certificates, and ban me for life... ;o)
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07/30/2004 06:21:00 PM · #25 |
Originally posted by Spazmo99:
Originally posted by Glen King:
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
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Bad, bad, bad idea, it costs $75 to have the Dr. extract foreign objects when they get stuck up the nose. I know from experience. |
It's free if you live in Canada. :D
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