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09/19/2006 04:11:41 PM · #326 |
And in keeping with Pirate's Day, may I present a fine example of wasted server space with some 5th grade humor:
Q: What has 8 legs, 8 arms and 8 eyes?
A: 8 pirates.
Q: How did the pirate stop smoking?
A: He used the patch!
Q: How do pirates know when they are about to be attacked?
A: They watch Sea-span!
Q: What do a blonde and a pirate have in common?
A: A little black patch.
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal."
The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots."
Then the bartender says... "I was talking to the parrot!"
A pirate with an eye patch seemed down at a bar. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The pirate replied, "Arrrgh, they wanted me to be a teacher... but I only had one pupil!"
A pirate captain walks into a bar with his first mate and they sit down at the bar. Now, the pirate captain has been a little down on his luck in the world of women, know what I mean? His first mate notices some lovely piratical wenches across the bar.
"Arr, cap'n, you should go o'er thar and talk to her, ask her to dance, aye?"
The captain replied "Arrrr, but what about me one eye? What if she makes fun of it?"
"Don't worry cap'n," said the first mate. "She only has one leg! She won't say anything with that one peg leg."
Convinced, the captain went over and immediately impressed the lady as pirates will do. He asked her if she'd like to dance.
"Would EYE, Would EYE!" she exclaimed.
"Oh yeah? Well... Peg Leg! Peg Leg!" replied the insulted captain!
 Sorry - someone had to
Message edited by author 2006-09-19 16:12:18. |
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09/20/2006 07:32:56 AM · #327 |
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
(You MUST read them out loud)
English
Chinese
That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Fuk
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here
Wao So Dim
I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great
Fa Kin Su Pa
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09/20/2006 11:49:00 AM · #328 |
Originally posted by Egor:
I was 20 and had my first motorcycle, if you can call it that. A VESPA scooter, 50cc of 2 stroke muscle. It would go 30 mph down the hill with the wind at my back. But that's not the funny part.
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When I was growing up in San Diego our family car was a moped, I think it was a Vespa (mopeds are a step below scooters...they still have pedals even).
Yes, it was not too uncommon for the whole family to ride. My father would drive, my mom on the back seat, and me on the gas tank. I imagine all the Mexicans had a great laugh...
"Hey Jose, look at that...you ever seen such a sight? whole gringo family crammed on a moped..." |
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09/29/2006 11:58:41 PM · #329 |
The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
1 DANGEROUS:
2 SAFER:
3 SAFEST:
4 ULTRA SAFE:
1 What's for dinner?
2 Can I help you with dinner?
3 Where would you like to go for dinner?
4 Here, have some chocolate.
1 Are you wearing that?
2 Wow, you sure look good in brown!
3 WOW! Look at you!
4 Here, have some chocolate
1 What are you so worked up about?
2 Could we be overreacting?
3 Here's my paycheck.
4 Here, have some chocolate.
1 Should you be eating that?
2 You know, there are a lot of apples left.
3 Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
4 Here, have some chocolate.
1 What did you DO all day?
2 I hope you didn't over-do it today.
3 I've always loved you in that robe!
4 Here, have some more chocolate.
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09/30/2006 07:34:10 AM · #330 |
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10/03/2006 09:14:38 AM · #331 |
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call. |
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10/04/2006 03:06:36 PM · #332 |
Received from: Gerry
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course. You might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
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10/04/2006 03:15:13 PM · #333 |
Originally posted by GeneralE:
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call. |
While funny, it looks like it wasn't a true story (in case you were serious about that). See //www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm
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10/20/2006 04:29:32 PM · #334 |
Yeah, I figured ... I can't vouch for the veracity of this one either:
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says:
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds:
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says:
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable." |
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10/26/2006 03:35:21 PM · #335 |
Next Witness...My Grandmother!
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand-motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt." |
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10/26/2006 03:44:41 PM · #336 |
Originally posted by GeneralE:
Next Witness...My Grandmother! ... |
Thanks! I'm still smiling. :D |
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10/26/2006 04:10:20 PM · #337 |
Since I am getting married in a few weeks, my friends seem to feel it necessary to send me all this junk - either to scare me, warn me, make me laugh/think. Got this one today:
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good
in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man
decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is
ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of
discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V)
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece. |
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10/26/2006 04:50:29 PM · #338 |
Mid Life
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day
and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got
to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice
house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a
50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side
of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and
find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a
mid-life crisis
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10/26/2006 04:53:08 PM · #339 |
Originally posted by Pedro:
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "why the long face?" |
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, bartender says: "We don't serve horses" |
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10/26/2006 05:36:48 PM · #340 |
Like a Surgeon...Hey!
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says:
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds:
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says:
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable." |
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10/26/2006 06:03:18 PM · #341 |
I apologize if these have been posted here, I didn't see them
Dad:"Hi honey, could you put your mommy on the phone."
Girl:"Mommy is in the bedroom with Uncle Bill."
Dad:"Who's Uncle Bill?"
Girl:"He comes over after you leave for work."
Dad:"Honey, do me a favor and go knock on Mommy and Daddys door and shout, 'Daddy's home'. Then come back to the phone.
Girl:"Okay"
A few moments later
Girl:"I did it."
Dad:"What happened."
Girl:"Well, first mommy came running out naked and screaming. Then Uncle Bill came out. Then he jumped out the window into the pool. I think he's hurt bad, guess he didn't know you drained it last night."
Dad:"Pool??? Is this 555-6778?"
It was Clems first day at the mining site. The foreman was showing him around.
"This is Rosey." The foreman said pointing to a mule. "Being so far from town the boys use her when they get to feeling 'lonely'."
Clem looked at the grizzled old foreman and says "I don't think I'll ever get that lonely."
"Well, if you do, Rosey's here for ya."
About three weeks later Clem was pretty lonely. He sat in his small tent trying to think of anything. Then finally he decided he couldn't take it any more. He grabbed a crate and slid it behind Rosey. He had just started to undo his pants when the Foreman saw him.
"What in the hell are you doing."
"You told me the other guys used rosey when they got lonely."
"The other guys just ride her into town."
Message edited by author 2006-10-26 18:04:44.
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10/27/2006 05:36:31 AM · #342 |
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10/30/2006 02:39:31 PM · #343 |
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir". "You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" came the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have some milk and cookies?"
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11/03/2006 12:29:55 AM · #344 |
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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11/07/2006 10:30:11 PM · #345 |
Make A Run For The Border...
A suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
"What's in here?" he asked.
"Dirt," the driver replied. "Take them out," the guard instructed, "I want to check them."
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and, there was nothing but dirt.
Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and, once again, the sentry looked in the trunk. "What's in the bags this time?" he asked. "More dirt," said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
The same thing happened every day for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.
Then, one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favour: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars." |
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11/09/2006 02:19:59 PM · #346 |
If You Had One Wish...
A guy is walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up.
Immediately, a genie pops out and replies, "Thanks for letting me out! For your kindness, I will grant you one wish."
The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So...I guess, my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
"I'm sorry," the genie says, "But I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved...think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that is just too much to ask."
"Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted," the guy replies. "I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with them...you know, what makes them tick?"
The genie thinks a second, and then answers, "Would that road be two lanes or four?" |
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11/11/2006 03:01:10 PM · #347 |
My brother Kjell, a schoolteacher, bought a new puppy. He came home one day to find that the dog had chewed up the mail, which was delivered through a slot in the door. Sifting through the remains, Kjell determined it was all unimportant except for one letter. He felt rather foolish when he had to call the state licensing bureau the next day. "You're not going to believe this," Kjell told them, "but my dog ate my teaching license."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Jon D. Anderson |
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11/13/2006 12:44:22 AM · #348 |
Silly Parrot, Tricks Are For Kids...
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally spoke: "OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?" |
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11/13/2006 12:53:03 AM · #349 |
Originally posted by GeneralE:
If You Had One Wish...
A guy is walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up.
Immediately, a genie pops out and replies, "Thanks for letting me out! For your kindness, I will grant you one wish."
The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So...I guess, my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
"I'm sorry," the genie says, "But I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved...think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that is just too much to ask."
"Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted," the guy replies. "I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with them...you know, what makes them tick?"
The genie thinks a second, and then answers, "Would that road be two lanes or four?" |
OMG, we really ARE brothers, brother Generale! This is one of my favorite jokes of all time. Though the way I tell it, I just have the guy ask "What do women want, anyway?"
R. |
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11/13/2006 01:05:22 AM · #350 |
| If I ever try and tell it, I think I'd prefer your version ... though this was just a copy/paste operation here : ) |
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