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09/26/2005 09:05:34 AM · #1 |
One of my employees sent these to me this morning and I got a good chuckle from them...thought it was worth sharing so that you can laugh too. Just because it's Monday doesn't mean we can't have fun! :)
Teen age sex:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact
the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
..........................
Church:
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No s**t?"
......................................
Pancakes:
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to
be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
largestack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
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09/26/2005 09:15:36 AM · #2 |
just what i needed this morning...thanks
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09/26/2005 09:18:40 AM · #3 |
Thank you for sharing, Laurie :)
WAY too funny :) |
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09/26/2005 09:19:31 AM · #4 |
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09/26/2005 09:20:51 AM · #5 |
I'm projecting a major run on Bisquick and other pancake mixes this week. ;)
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09/26/2005 09:31:21 AM · #6 |
and syrup.... and ....other goodies that can be used for pancakes and .....
Originally posted by laurielblack:
I'm projecting a major run on Bisquick and other pancake mixes this week. ;) |
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09/26/2005 10:17:39 AM · #7 |
And whip cream, which can be used for all sorts of things....
Mike
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09/26/2005 10:36:14 AM · #8 |
Just what I needed this morning! Thanks Laurie!
Continuing in the spirit of the thread - I received THIS laugh this morning in my email ...
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on
being told there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided
to purchase one and enter it in the races. However,
at the local auction, the going price for a horse
was so high that he ended up buying a donkey
instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well
go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise,
the donkey came in third.The next day the local paper
carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that
he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another
race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following
headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for
ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild. Headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
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09/26/2005 10:38:37 AM · #9 |
Message edited by author 2005-09-26 10:39:02. |
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09/26/2005 10:53:40 AM · #10 |
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
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09/26/2005 11:41:27 AM · #11 |
| I kid you not - you can look it up on the weather web sites. The next tropical storm in the Western Pacific is named Longwang. What if Hurricane Longwang had submerged New Orleans instead of Katrina. |
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09/26/2005 11:59:51 AM · #12 |
| LOL Thanks for the giggles guys! |
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09/26/2005 12:17:12 PM · #13 |
LOL... I soo needed some enlightening reading material this morning.... Icky Gloomy Monday Mornings...
Thanks bunches!!!
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09/26/2005 12:17:46 PM · #14 |
Uhm Emorgan. Sorry to rain on your parade, but the names for major meterological events in the pacific are given names from local asian languages. LongWang is chinese for DragonKing (or I would assume, having not checked the characters, it certainly would make sense).
The reason that the Pacific Typhoons are named for Asian languages is that due to the direction of the Earth's spin, Storms are spun off the equatorial ring and always travel West and away from the Equator. (north on the north side, south on the south side) This means that Pacific storms his Asia and never hit the Pacific Coast.
Hurricanes are Atlantic storms. Because they mostly hit America, these are given English oriented names that have been taken from languages of the Caribbean and Hawaii on a schedule of a 6 year rotation. Once a Hurricane has done great damage, its name is retired from the list. I think it is rather odd that they included Hawaii as it is a Pacific Island. I guess they wanted to give it it's share. The region governed by these names is Region 4. Q, U, X, Y, Z are omitted.
From Katrina goes: Lenny, Maria, Nate, Ophelia, Philippe, Rita and next up, Stan.
Because English is rather a new language to Asia, it is likely the further irony of an Asian nation being "blown over" by Typhoon "LongWang" would be totally lost. ;) |
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09/26/2005 01:13:16 PM · #15 |
Originally posted by laurielblack:
Pancakes:
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to
be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
largestack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father." |
Thanks for the laughs this morning Laurie. This one is especially funny to me because my name is Brenda and hubby is Steve. :) I just checked to see if I have pancake mix. Yep...it's pancakes for my Steve too. |
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09/26/2005 02:15:05 PM · #16 |
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are sitting in a bar drinking their beers when a fly lands in each of their drinks.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Irishman carefully pulls the fly out of his beer, flicks it away, and continues to drink like nothing happened.
The Scotsman carefully pulls the fly out of his beer, holds it over his glass and screams, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!" |
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09/26/2005 02:22:02 PM · #17 |
I would definitely evacuate if Hurricane Longwang was bearing down on my home!!!! LOL
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09/26/2005 03:56:02 PM · #18 |
HAHA! Thanks for this... the Scotsman just became a Dane in my version, for my guy. hehehe.
Originally posted by The_Itinerant:
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are sitting in a bar drinking their beers when a fly lands in each of their drinks.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Irishman carefully pulls the fly out of his beer, flicks it away, and continues to drink like nothing happened.
The Scotsman carefully pulls the fly out of his beer, holds it over his glass and screams, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!" |
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10/01/2005 11:15:41 PM · #19 |
I just thought I'd mention to everyone that for the last 10 hours, Typhoon LongWang has been "slamming" Taiwan with windspeeds of around 186km/h.
I hardly slept a wink with all the noise.
Yup. That's right. Typhoon LongWang actually came! It blew hard! |
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10/01/2005 11:31:18 PM · #20 |
Thought you might like a topical jest.
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."
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