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09/11/2005 08:49:01 AM · #51 |
| Last night we had a great time telling jokes! Bumping for the morning crowd! |
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09/11/2005 10:07:23 AM · #52 |
if i had two fish, i'd call them 1 & 2.
Then if one died i'd still have 2.
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09/11/2005 10:21:20 AM · #53 |
A man woke up in his bed one morning horribly hung over. He felt like hell, but he found some asprin and a glass of water by his bed. His wife left him a note saying "Here's something for your head. I'm at work, but you should take the day off."
The fellow staggered through the hall to the kitchen where he found his son getting ready for school. On the table was some breakfast already laid out for him- pancakes, eggs, bacon, and a cup of black coffee. "What's this?" the father asked. "Mom left you some breakfast to help the hangover wear off." said the man's son.
The dad was perplexed. "What happened last night?"
"You came home drunk last night from Uncle Charlie's bachelor party." Said the kid. "Mom was pissed."
"Yikes" said the man, "then what happened?"
"You stumbled in and knocked down a picture frame. Then you threw up in the hall and woke up the baby". Said his son, casually pouring some cereal into a bowl.
"Wait a second!" said the dad. "That doesn't make sense. If things were so aweful last night, why the asprin? Why the breakfast and the note?!" He cried.
"Well," said his son as he began eating, "After you threw up mom tried to change you into your pajamas. You put up a fight because you were so wasted. When she started taking off your pants you yelled 'Get off me, lady- I'm married!'"
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09/11/2005 10:34:57 AM · #54 |
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
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09/11/2005 10:48:39 AM · #55 |
Received by email long time ago!
But still too funny! :D
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09/11/2005 10:49:12 AM · #56 |
| mom now knows just exactly what 'snarfing' is. |
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09/11/2005 10:50:58 AM · #57 |
I posted this in another thread awhile back but in case people missed it. Very funny stuff:
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09/11/2005 10:55:54 AM · #58 |
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09/11/2005 02:23:39 PM · #59 |
Rex Barker here again with "Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump..."
Compare with Gasoline......
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.) |
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09/11/2005 03:08:00 PM · #60 |
Originally posted by GeneralE:
Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.) |
Quite funny really. Nestle was sued because the Nestle bottled water was found to be worse than american tap water. How's that for perspective?
Message edited by author 2005-09-11 15:09:43. |
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09/11/2005 06:04:14 PM · #61 |
What is the difference between a snake lying dead in the road and a lawyer lying dead in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake!
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a cold-blooded, bottom-dwelling, shit-eater, while the other breathes through gills! |
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09/11/2005 06:47:47 PM · #62 |
My brother said he saw a snake on the road last night.
I said, "What kind of snake?"
He said, "A flat one!" |
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09/12/2005 01:08:17 PM · #63 |
Originally posted by Digital Quixote:
My brother said he saw a snake on the road last night.
I said, "What kind of snake?"
He said, "A flat one!" |
Maybe it was run over by the car in this "Recall Contest" |
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09/18/2005 05:32:35 PM · #64 |
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09/18/2005 05:41:31 PM · #65 |
Some of the joke threads on dpc get lame, but I gotta say - there are some GOOD ones in here!
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09/18/2005 05:56:52 PM · #66 |
OMG These are too funny. Thank you!!!
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09/18/2005 07:04:13 PM · #67 |
A conversation between a blonde and a brunette after a guy walked past:
Blonde, "Did you see that guy -- he was so hot!"
Brunette, "Yeah, I saw him -- he wasn't so great."
Blonde, "What are you talking about, he was perfect -- hair and eyes, a perfect smile, his build and surely you noticed his ... well."
Brunette, "I know, but there were flaws as well."
Blonde, "Like what?"
Brunette, "Well, for instance, didn't you notice the flakes on his shoulders? Someone should really give him some Head&Shoulders to clear that up."
Blonde, "OK!"
... as she gets up to go after him she pauses, "How do you give shoulders?"
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09/18/2005 07:48:17 PM · #68 |
On Safari...
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out".
Quick Thinking...
Mike and Bill were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered the lobby.
Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.
Just before the thieves got to the pair, Bill turned to Mike and, passing him a $20 saying: "By the way Mike, here's that money I owe you." |
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09/18/2005 08:01:59 PM · #69 |
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
JK |
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09/18/2005 08:23:01 PM · #70 |
What did the elephant say to the naked man??
It's cute, but can it eat peanuts? |
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09/18/2005 08:27:29 PM · #71 |
how many women on pms does it take to change a light bulb?
ONE DAMN IT! GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT????
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09/18/2005 08:29:19 PM · #72 |
Originally posted by sabphoto:
how many women on pms does it take to change a light bulb?
ONE DAMN IT! GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT???? |
You have to include the whole thing, dear. ;)
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I’m sorry... what did you ask me?
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09/18/2005 08:30:54 PM · #73 |
Originally posted by Travis99:
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
JK |
hmmmmm ..... a little inappropriate for the "Time to laugh!!" |
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09/18/2005 08:33:55 PM · #74 |
Originally posted by jbsmithana:
Originally posted by Travis99:
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
JK |
hmmmmm ..... a little inappropriate for the "Time to laugh!!" |
I knew someone would say that. do you think i was being seriuos you idiot. What about the dead lawyer, you didnt say anything about that. |
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09/18/2005 08:57:40 PM · #75 |
Who knows if you were serious but seems strange that anyone would find that funny. Didn't find the lawyer one funny either. Sorry, just my opinion.
Now this one:
A conversation between a blonde and a brunette after a guy walked past:
Blonde, "Did you see that guy -- he was so hot!"
Brunette, "Yeah, I saw him -- he wasn't so great."
Blonde, "What are you talking about, he was perfect -- hair and eyes, a perfect smile, his build and surely you noticed his ... well."
Brunette, "I know, but there were flaws as well."
Blonde, "Like what?"
Brunette, "Well, for instance, didn't you notice the flakes on his shoulders? Someone should really give him some Head&Shoulders to clear that up."
Blonde, "OK!"
... as she gets up to go after him she pauses, "How do you give shoulders?"
LOL |
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