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03/24/2007 01:27:24 AM · #26 |
| whats the difference between a rock,a pencil, cause a vest has no sleeves! |
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03/24/2007 01:39:13 AM · #27 |
| A man walks into a bar wearing only plastic saran-wrap underwear. The bartender smiles and replies, "I can clearly see you're nuts!". |
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03/24/2007 01:57:33 AM · #28 |
Whenever i need a good laugh, i just look at this:
 (thanks Brad!) |
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03/24/2007 02:02:41 AM · #29 |
Originally posted by Brad:
(one for JoJo) :P
Fishing with Boudreaux
Life is Good! |
OH MY GOSH!! TOOOO DANG FUNNY!!!!
Message edited by author 2007-03-24 02:05:06. |
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03/24/2007 02:12:47 AM · #30 |
On her way home from work one day, a woman realizes it is her husbands' birthday and she has forgotten to get him a gift.
She drives around a while and the only thing she can find open is a pet store. She figures, what the heck, I'll get him a pet.
Well, when she gets inside, the owner tells her he is all sold out but he does have some frogs on sale.
The woman tells the store owner her problem and he advises her to purchase a frog for her husband.
She says, "But he won't want a FROG!"
The owner replies, matter of factly, "OH, Maam, your husband WANTS one of these frogs! See, they are very special! They give the best blowjobs ever!"
The woman says, "Really??!! I'll take one! How does it work?"
So, the owner goes on to explain the process and the woman gets happier and happier. She figures that she won't have to do anything for her husband this year, the frog will take care of it.
Instructions and frog in box, the woman heads home.
After a lovely dinner the woman hands her husband the box and whispers in his ear, "Happy Birthday dear, I am going to bed now."
Husband opens the box and reads the directions.
At 2am the woman awakens to a LOT of pots banging around in the kitchen. Worried that something might be wrong, she goes down to check it out.
When she opens the kitchen door, there is the frog on the counter, her husband getting a pot, and a cookbook open.
She screams, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!!"
The husband very calmly looks at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you are OUTTA HERE!!!"
:D |
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03/24/2007 02:18:12 AM · #31 |
...off to look for a  myself! |
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03/24/2007 02:23:42 AM · #32 |
Keeping in the theme...
A Penguin's Car Trouble
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona, when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look, and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if heâs found the problem.
The mechanic looks up and says, âIt looks like you blew a seal.â
âNo, no,â the penguin replies, âitâs just vanilla ice cream.â |
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03/24/2007 03:04:54 AM · #33 |
HAHHAHHAHAAAAAAAA ROFL!!!!!
Here's one:
A string is walking around town and decides he wants something to eat, so he walks into a diner and sits down.
The waitress comes over and says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
So, the string leaves and decides that he wasn't really that hungry and goes into a bar for a drink instead. He sits at the bar.
The bartender walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve strings here."
Feeling frustrated, the string gets an idea. He walks into an alley, ties himself into a knot and frizzes his top out.
He walks back down the street to the diner, sits down, and picks up a menu.
The waitress walks up and says, "Aren't you the string that was in here a minute ago?"
The string looks up, smiles, and says, "Nope I'M AFRAID NOT!"
:D |
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03/24/2007 03:26:32 AM · #34 |
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03/24/2007 06:23:21 AM · #35 |
| So there is this elderly couple, John and Martha, and they are celebrating their 50th anniversary. They go to the hotel where they spent their honeymoon, and have a romantic evening, trying to recapture the old 'sparks'. Back in the room, after a little bit of snuggling, John goes into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Martha strips down and laying on the bed, starts to wonder "hmmm, I wonder if I can still put my legs behind my head like I used to?" So, she grabs her right leg, and lifts it up, over her head, and grips the headboard with her toes. She then takes her left leg, and struggles a bit, but gets it up to the headboard and locks her toes in there. So there she lays, with both legs up over her head and pryed into the headboard. So then, John walks in from the bathroom and glances down at the bed and says "Oh for goodness sakes Martha, you could at least comb your hair and put your teeth back in!" |
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03/24/2007 10:01:13 AM · #36 |
Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran down stairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."
Message edited by author 2007-03-24 21:11:06. |
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03/24/2007 10:54:22 AM · #37 |
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table errupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiousity an longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
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03/24/2007 12:27:15 PM · #38 |
Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: Two. One to scrape it off the road, and another to watch for traffic. |
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03/24/2007 12:57:09 PM · #39 |
Q: Two potatoes standing on a street corner, which one is the prostitute?
A: The one that says, Idaho. |
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03/24/2007 10:16:25 PM · #40 |
I was at the gas station the other day and I saw my friend Alan, who had a penguin in the back seat of his car. I was puzzled and asked him "what's the deal with the penguin?" He told me that he found it a few days earlier and didn't know what to do with it. I suggested that he take it to the zoo.
Today I ran into Alan again, and the penguin was still with him. I said "I thought you were going to take the penguin to the zoo," to which he replied "Oh, I did, and we had a great time! I think we're going to go back next week" |
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03/25/2007 07:28:42 PM · #41 |
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers
to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." |
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04/24/2007 06:40:23 PM · #42 |
A Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take dog for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she
said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring the dog over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK,
you can go now, but keep the dog on the leash and only go
one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with
no dog on the Leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's the
dog?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway
down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." |
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05/12/2007 12:08:19 AM · #43 |
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a
22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of
that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella
Instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.
He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell
dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly". |
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05/12/2007 12:08:54 AM · #44 |
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years,
whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in
4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal
accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"
Only Washington, Tennessee, Texas, South Carolina, Wisconsin and the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin." |
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05/12/2007 12:17:25 AM · #45 |
A Penny Saved...
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year
Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85
years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50
dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil
tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I
could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
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05/21/2007 07:21:58 PM · #46 |
You gotta watch the old guys. . . .
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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05/21/2007 08:00:39 PM · #47 |
There's a guy giving away various levels of transportation...cars to bikes etc...based on their faithfulness to their spouses.
First guy comes up and says "oh dear, I am never faithful. I can't resist the opportunity. So the guy bives him a bike.
second guy comes up and says "I have been unfaithful many times, my wife doesn't suspect, so it's easy for me to get away with it". So he gets a rusted out old truck.
Another guy comes along and declares "I have been faithful to my wife in all the 20 years we have been married - she's beautiful and I love here dearly" He gets a top of the line Cadillac.
Next day he is spotted by the guy who was giving all the stuff away - except that Cadillac guy was crying and hunched over the hood of his car - pounding and screaming!
The guy asks "whats wrong?"
he says "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard!". |
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05/22/2007 01:30:53 PM · #48 |
A lawyer asked a group of prospective jurors if any of them was related to the principals in the case. One spoke up. He said the opposing attorney was his brother-in-law. "Would that relationship prevent your being able to consider the evidence in an unbiased way?" the lawyer asked. The prospective juror shook his head. "No," he said. "I don't think any more of him than I do of you."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by George Dolan |
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05/22/2007 01:40:39 PM · #49 |
Originally posted by Brad:
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years,
whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in
4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal
accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"
Only Washington, Tennessee, Texas, South Carolina, Wisconsin and the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin." |
Hey, I resemble that remark! Your version is just a bit different than the one I heard ...
 |
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05/22/2007 01:55:55 PM · #50 |
For us Old Farts:
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,in her mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis
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myself!
