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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> Do things get easier?? *Emotional Warning*
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 08/18/2006 05:21:12 PM · #1
Evening Folks,

Ever been sat at home, lonely and really wanted someone to talk to?? Well thats me tonight so thought I would post something here.

I have been an active member on DPC for a few months now and as well as reading all the helpful advice, enjoying the banter and jokes and entering challenges I have also read many peoples stories about things happening in their lives.

Today for me will be 14 months since I lost my partner of 10 years, Damian, at the age of 30. After suffering a massive heartattack and spending a week in ICU with major organ failure he passed away.

I am sure nearly all of you here have your own experience of bereavement / grief and we all handle things in different ways. The past 2 months for me have been the worst since losing D, I had thought things had to get easier but lately they feel just that little bit harder.

Was wondering if others have stories they can share about whats got them through those difficult times? Whats kept you going?

Thanks everyone for reading x

Message edited by author 2006-09-03 07:42:31.
 08/18/2006 05:23:47 PM · #2
Deepest condolences Natalya. Time does heal. Hang in there.
 08/18/2006 05:31:20 PM · #3
At a particularly low point in my life (nothing as serious as what you are going through, but pretty hard at the time for me), I had a college professor tell me, "You never get over it. You just learn how to deal with it."

At first, it sounded pessimistic and hopeless to me. But then I realized how empowering it was. Instead of trying to "get over it" and "make it easier," which I was not able to do, I was able to focus on dealing with my grief.

That being said, since I have never felt the pain to the degree that you are obviously feeling, all I can do is say that I am thinking of you and hoping that your tomorrow is brighter.

[[[hugs]]]
 08/18/2006 05:34:41 PM · #4
My deepest sympathies on your loss. It sure would be wonderful if there was something we could do or say for those in mourning that would instantly turn the tide... but we all know that it's not possible. Everyone's grief process proceeds at its own pace. Do watch out for signs of clinical depression, and see your doctor if you feel that you're becoming chronically depressed. Depression can affect one's physical health very negatively.
When my sister passed away from cancer at age 48, her husband and I talked at great length about our feelings... nearly a decade later, we still discuss the changes in our lives brought on by this event. Both of us have found these discussions incredibly beneficial. If there is a member of his family that you are close to, talking about it is one of the very best ways to start and encourage the healing process.
 08/18/2006 05:35:37 PM · #5
Originally posted by karmat:
"You never get over it. You just learn how to deal with it."


That's a really powerful statement.

Can't off much advice, Natalya. But, I can send thoughts and prayers your way.

*hugs* from me too.
 08/18/2006 05:47:23 PM · #6
In a nut shell...

Girlfriend killed X-mas eve by a drunk driver. I came into town X-mas eve day to spend time with her and got the call that night. X-mas' were very hard to enjoy for quite some time but, I did move on. With time and lots of friends it does get better. Very sorry to hear about your loss. My prayers go out to you.
 08/18/2006 05:50:10 PM · #7
My personal way to deal with tradgedy is Laughter and surrounding myself with as many loving friends and family I can including all us nutjobs here at dpc. You know it is funny how at first you just come across a site like this just to see what its all about and its cool and fun, but it really becomes a special place after awhile when you really get to know the people on the inside. Also think like this what would he want for you....I would suspect for you to be happy. that means living your life the way you guys dreamed about it together. Full of the love and joy he used to bring to you and you used to give to him. I wish you the best and will say a prayer for you.
 08/18/2006 05:54:23 PM · #8
For our family after the suicide of my nephew......time softened the edges of the pain, taking about him, looking at photos made us gradually refocus and begin to remember the good times, the laughter.....to celebrate his life.

((((((((hugs))))))) Natalya.
 08/18/2006 06:04:39 PM · #9
Originally posted by talj:
Ever been sat at home, lonely and really wanted someone to talk to?? Well thats me tonight so thought I would post something here.

All too often. *hug*

Originally posted by talj:
Was wondering if others have stories they can share about whats got them through those difficult times? Whats kept you going?


I have not had to deal with anything like your situation, but there have been times in my life where the only thing that keeps me going is God. Knowing that he created me and loves me and died to save me helps me know that I am a valuable person, and knowing that he promises to be with me forever and give his strength to guide my life lets me know that even though he does not take away rough times he will still help me through them.

I'm not trying to preach - just wanted to share my answer to the question.

*huuuuuuge hug*
 08/18/2006 06:40:03 PM · #10
I can't imagine what you're going through but last week I lost a coworker in a tragic accident and have been attending grief counseling with my coworkers and it's totally normal to deal with this at your own pace. Don't push yourself or expect too much. But appreciate what you had together and all that you still have.

I'd also like to echo klstover:
...the only thing that keeps me going is God. Knowing that he created me and loves me and died to save me helps me know that I am a valuable person, and knowing that he promises to be with me forever and give his strength to guide my life lets me know that even though he does not take away rough times he will still help me through them.

because knowing God has gotten me through several bouts of depression... not easily, mind you, but God led me through and I'm here today because of HIM. If you'd like to chat, feel free to PM me :-)
 08/18/2006 06:50:26 PM · #11
I'd like to echo the previous posts from klstover and skinnere. My mother-in-law passed away from a heart attack right in front of me. Knowing she has gone to be with God and I will see here again is an enormous comfort to me. I don't want to be preachy but I would like to share a favourite verse;

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Sometimes it stings like nothing else can but I know that my God works everything, even the hard bits, for my eventual good.

You don't get over losing a loved one, you just deal with it a bit better every day.

*hugs and prayers*
Dave A
 08/18/2006 06:50:50 PM · #12
I can't even imagine... nor can I offer any words of advice better than those heartfelt suggestions from those who have posted before me. I just wanted to let you know that a stranger down in London is thinking of you and sending virtual hugs your way. If London's not too far and you'd like to visit and do some photographing together or just chat on the phone to someone different... please drop me an email.

Warmest regards
Kavita

Message edited by author 2006-08-18 19:14:32.
 08/18/2006 07:09:39 PM · #13
My girlfriend lost her husband (3 years ago this past June) very suddenly when he had a heart attack. He was only 48 years old, and left her with their two adopted children, ages 7 and 3. Obviously this was just tragic for her, the families and friends. A lady whom she did not know reached out to her and related her similar story of her own loss and invited her to join a grief group here locally. Through that group she was able to share her feelings, feelings that others could really relate to and offer their understanding and compassion. They would meet weekly or monthly, go out to dinner, etc. Through that group she met some very good people (and new friends) who could support her. Although her life has moved on and emotionally she is stronger and much able to cope with her loss as well as the children having no father, and is back dating and in a relationship, she still relates to me her sorrow at holidays, birthdays, and other days when his memory is very strong. I agree with the other poster that you learn to cope and the sensation of the tragic loss will become softer. My kind thoughts go out to you. It is never too late to seek out a grief group in your area and meet some new people who can share your thoughts and understand your feelings. Of course, we are always here too :)
 08/18/2006 07:18:03 PM · #14
Natalya, I lost my dad 5 years ago. Very unexpected, and crushed me like a rock, as I am the ultimate daddies girl. He was only 53 at the time. Now I am grieving through losing my Mammaw, as she gets weaker each day, we will lose her very soon. I can't say which way is easier to lose someone you love unconditionally, as neither is fair. There will be days where it feels like it just happened, and there will be days where you go all day with out thinking about it. The key is to keep living and laughing and loving and giving and by doing that, you are being the person that your partner fell in love with. Everyday will get a little easier, but you will never completely forget, thats what happens when you fall in love. Good Luck to you in your journey.
 08/18/2006 07:19:14 PM · #15
Every poster has given you part of the answer to this devastating experience.

Grief counseling, surrounding yourself with friends, becoming engrossed in projects that make you think, such as your splendid photoraphy, and perhaps one other: writing all your feelings and memories down. Sometimes, our immediate grief lasts longer as we try to hold on to all the special memories we have. Once on paper (or in your computer) you can "let go" of them just a little.

I wish you well. This will become easier to live with.
 08/18/2006 07:41:46 PM · #16
I've never lost anyone in that way before, but my Dad had Cancer a few years ago. I went through a period where I had to figure out how I would handle his death if it came to that. Thankfully he made it, but I figure the best thing for me to do is cope with the pain by doing things that would make him proud.

I can also tell you that if my wife died, that'd be it for me. I'd become a "monk" and dedicate my life to taking care of animals and trying to bring awareness to causes she cared about. Lucky for me, I also care about them ;-)

Maybe that will help you, take things he loved and cared about, social issues etc. and dedicate some of your time to those things.

Take photos of things he loved, and try to put together a gallery showing of them in tribute to his name, perhaps.

-Hideo
 08/18/2006 08:14:12 PM · #17
I can only reiterate everything those above have said. The nearest I have come to death in this respect is when my husband's brother and his son were killed in a dreadful car accident whilst on holiday. Time does heal and the pain does become 'softer'.

I wish you all the best and send you lots of hugs from Southern England.
 08/18/2006 08:30:10 PM · #18
Originally posted by talj:


Was wondering if others have stories they can share about whats got them through those difficult times? Whats kept you going?

Thanks everyone for reading x


Deepest sympathies for you. I can't imagine the hole that's still left in your life.

If you really want to know what keeps me ticking. It's Jesus. Not the bland, watered down, tv-evangelelist version, the real one. Not only does my faith get me through trials, it provides me a purpose in life. It gives me the drive to do better and be more that I am today. It gives me the desire to affect others lives in a positive manner (wish that one were always true), and to give others hope for a future, and for human kind in general.

All my best to you and yours.

-Steve

Message edited by author 2006-08-18 20:30:33.
 08/18/2006 08:36:21 PM · #19
My deepests sympathies, Natalya. I know that time helps, you don't forget, but with time things get easier. I hope it's like that for you.
 08/18/2006 08:44:47 PM · #20
I agree god can help you through life. Might I suggest checking out this website there are some good reading and audio material on it. www.rzim.com
 08/18/2006 08:55:18 PM · #21
I was reading your post and was trying to formulate something that would make you feel better. Thing of it is, I can't. I wish wish WISH I could. I lost my father April 11th. He was 57 and fine one day and gone the next. He was to young! I have never felt loss before. This hurts more than anything I have experienced.
Whenever things slow down, and I find a moment to just set, I start to think about him. When I go to bed trying to fall asleep, I think about him. I still haven't been able to sleep a full night in a long time without crying. I can't imagine how hard it is for my mom who sees him in everyday things.
My way to cope is to distract my mind constantly with things to keep busy. I even keep Outdoor photography magazine in the bathroom. I sure hope it gets better soon.
My heart breaks for you too!
 08/19/2006 04:07:57 AM · #22
When a hugely important part of your life just disappears from it, you have to start a new life. I only say this from the point of view of hindsight. It seems to me to be what happens.
T'isn't easy though, because whatever comes up has to happen without involving the one you lost. Feeling for you. Life does go on, really.
 08/19/2006 06:03:59 AM · #23
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to me both here and privately, your thoughts, prayers and ideas are greatly appreciated.

I know there is no miracle 'cure', no switch to flick that suddenly makes things alright again, but kindness shown by others, your thoughts and prayers and a determination that I will now live my life for the both D and myself will keep me going.

Originally posted by redsunphotography:

Take photos of things he loved, and try to put together a gallery showing of them in tribute to his name, perhaps.


I'd like to say an extra thanks to Hideo, amongst all the posts he gave me an idea of something practical I could do with my photography. It's always good to have a little project and I think I am going to make this my one!

Again, thank you all.

Natalya
 08/19/2006 06:59:28 AM · #24
As someone who has lost somebody very close in the last week, I can get an idea of how you are feeling. (thanks for your PM by the way, it was much appreciated)

Yesterday we had my father in laws funeral. It was a day of great sadness. Today my husband and I have just stayed home and tried to relax a little. I lost both my parents when i was 18 and I have to say it doesnt get easier it just gets different. You will find a different way to deal with it. Some days will be worse than others but it will get different. I hope I can take my own advice. :)

Know that people care, and there is always someone on here with a ear for listening. I have found that out :)
 08/19/2006 07:14:25 AM · #25
Nice to hear from you on PM... let's try and make a GTG happen next time you're down in London... Take care!
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