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05/12/2005 06:01:12 PM · #1 |
i'm not a big "forward this to all of your friends" kind of guy, but this cracked me up repeatedly.
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
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05/12/2005 06:16:18 PM · #2 |
| *tears streaming down face* |
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05/12/2005 06:19:11 PM · #3 |
Too funny, my hubby is an English teacher so I forwarded it on to him.
Teresa |
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05/12/2005 06:19:35 PM · #4 |
| Thanks for sharing, that really brightened my day, kinda like the sun would in the middle if the night. If only... F**k that, I can't be as bad as them, even if I try... |
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05/12/2005 06:22:39 PM · #5 |
| That's some pretty hysterical writing. It sounds to me like the teacher sat down a classroom of reasonably well educated students and instructed them each to write a single sentence in the style of the late, great Douglas Adams. |
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05/12/2005 06:22:45 PM · #6 |
"tears streamed down his face like a cat urinating on my mom's new carpet"
[[[sorry I couldn't resist a bad analogy]]]
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05/12/2005 06:32:53 PM · #7 |
Originally posted by rebelo:
That's some pretty hysterical writing. It sounds to me like the teacher sat down a classroom of reasonably well educated students and instructed them each to write a single sentence in the style of the late, great Douglas Adams. |
Number 9 is a Vogon mothership for sure : )
Number 6 is pure Vicky Pollard though! |
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05/12/2005 06:40:00 PM · #8 |
Originally posted by bod:
Originally posted by rebelo:
That's some pretty hysterical writing. It sounds to me like the teacher sat down a classroom of reasonably well educated students and instructed them each to write a single sentence in the style of the late, great Douglas Adams. |
Number 9 is a Vogon mothership for sure : )
Number 6 is pure Vicky Pollard though! |
Yeah, I thought #16 sounds pretty adams-esque.
#3 is actually stolen from somewhere else. I saw it quite some time ago verbatim, though I cannot recall where that was. |
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05/12/2005 06:56:07 PM · #9 |
OMG - My face hurts so bad right now!
That is some of the funniest stuff I've read in a very long time. |
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05/12/2005 07:01:12 PM · #10 |
Fantastic, I have't laughed so hard in ages.
Some of those showed real talent!
Thanks for sharing. |
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05/12/2005 07:07:38 PM · #11 |
Those are great! Thank you for sharing them!
They kind of reminded me of the Lyrics to a song by The Bob's called "Santa Ana Woman"
She came in wearing a pair of clam diggers that
had obviously never been to a beach, and a halter top that
had been in a dryer for three weeks on high.
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05/12/2005 07:13:36 PM · #12 |
Originally posted by muckpond:
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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Genius! |
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05/12/2005 07:21:51 PM · #13 |
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
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05/12/2005 07:43:08 PM · #14 |
im laughing so hard... i forwarded it to a friend and he laughed really hard as well. thanks for sharing!
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05/12/2005 07:54:28 PM · #15 |
so...will using these metaphors automatically inflict injury upon english teacher??
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05/12/2005 08:26:26 PM · #16 |
"He wanted a ribbon worse than wanting a ribbon REALLY, REALLY badly."
"His shutter clicked like the click of a pair of handcuffs after a really long, bad night at the bar and you walk out and get arrested for peeing in the corner."
"The light went on in my head like that light that you try to see go off when you close and open the refrigerator door to get a beer."
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05/12/2005 08:30:44 PM · #17 |
I don't think that's a high school thing. I recognize #3 and #14 as being previous Bulwer-Lytton Award winners or honorable mentions. The others may be as well.
Funny, though. |
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05/12/2005 09:05:04 PM · #18 |
jejejeâ„¢
The humminbirds one reminded me of a poem of mine that actually attempts to capture some of that slightly banal feeling, hopefully in a fairly original way:
*************
They Woke From Sleep — 2004
Not all that long away, as these things go,
a certain man woke from a troubled sleep
and saw that things had changed. He wasn̢۪t sure
exactly what had happened, but he wept,
for nothing now would ever be the same.
In another country, far from his,
a woman he had never met lay down
to toss in fitful sleep. Yet, when she woke,
she saw how nothing in the house had changed,
and wept that everything was still the same.
For each, to wake was to confirm a dream
that, in the dreaming, made uneasy sleep —
they̢۪d slept alone, and woke alone to fear.
They never met, nor were they ever near.
**************
Sorry for the hijacking, you may return to your regular programming now. (Sound of garbage trucks backing up and dogs barfing)
Robt.
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05/12/2005 09:35:27 PM · #19 |
Originally posted by Zed Pobre:
I don't think that's a high school thing. I recognize #3 and #14 as being previous Bulwer-Lytton Award winners or honorable mentions. The others may be as well.
Funny, though. |
I'm glad someone brought up these Awards. I eagerly look forward to the results every year. This time there were (IMO)two real winners, #10 and #1 - below:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle
window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder,
gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside
her,disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming
madly, 'You lied!' " |
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05/12/2005 09:40:59 PM · #20 |
this one was my favorite
"10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. " |
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05/12/2005 11:19:10 PM · #21 |
A panda walks into a bar and "Eats, Shoots and Leaves."
Check out this book sub-titled "A zero tolerance approach to punctuation." |
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05/12/2005 11:32:59 PM · #22 |
Originally posted by bear_music:
jejejeâ„¢
The humminbirds one reminded me of a poem of mine that actually attempts to capture some of that slightly banal feeling, hopefully in a fairly original way:
*************
They Woke From Sleep — 2004
Not all that long away, as these things go,
a certain man woke from a troubled sleep
and saw that things had changed. He wasn̢۪t sure
exactly what had happened, but he wept,
for nothing now would ever be the same.
In another country, far from his,
a woman he had never met lay down
to toss in fitful sleep. Yet, when she woke,
she saw how nothing in the house had changed,
and wept that everything was still the same.
For each, to wake was to confirm a dream
that, in the dreaming, made uneasy sleep —
they̢۪d slept alone, and woke alone to fear.
They never met, nor were they ever near.
**************
Sorry for the hijacking, you may return to your regular programming now. (Sound of garbage trucks backing up and dogs barfing)
Robt. |
Robt., that's really beautiful! |
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05/16/2005 04:21:48 PM · #23 |
Well, it looks like the poor analogies and metaphors are possibly from a contest run by the Washington Post in the summer of '95, and not actual student submissions:
//www.jumbojoke.com/000398.html
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05/16/2005 04:32:19 PM · #24 |
Originally posted by bod:
*tears streaming down face* |
Was gonna say I was peeing my pants, but on reflection, this is probably a better way of expressing myself! ;o)
Tooooooo funny!
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05/16/2005 05:23:48 PM · #25 |
Hm... I'm going to teach English 6 years or so from now...
*reconsidering*
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