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04/24/2008 12:51:24 AM · #1 |
"I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store." |
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04/24/2008 01:03:02 AM · #2 |
OMG that was priceless, you literally had me in tears even without being there :P
-dave |
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04/24/2008 01:09:08 AM · #3 |
Holy s**T!!! (pun intended) My wife and son thought I was bonkers laughing so hard, so I started reading it to them (when I could stop laughing), and we had a total laughfest for about 10 minutes. Thank you! I haven't laughed like that in a very long time, much needed!
If that is a first-person story, I wish you a speedy recovery! Maybe get some Desetin for the ring sting, just don't go to Walmart or Albertsons to get it. :-) |
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04/24/2008 01:18:37 AM · #4 |
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04/24/2008 01:23:01 AM · #5 |
I hope you didn't let your camera get infused with that cloud. : )
Thumbs up for great chili!
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04/24/2008 01:40:19 AM · #6 |
Originally posted by FocusPoint:
The peppers fired a warning shot. |
That was hilarious, I think we have all been on one side or the other on this one...... |
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04/24/2008 08:26:38 AM · #7 |
| Bump for morning people. A must read :P |
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04/24/2008 08:36:47 AM · #8 |
| Too funny, but no pics?? For shame! |
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04/24/2008 08:45:58 AM · #9 |
Originally posted by strangeghost:
Too funny, but no pics?? |
Tiffen doesn't make the right filter... |
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04/24/2008 09:03:08 AM · #10 |
People in my office are wondering if I've lost it! :-) Friggin HILARIOUS!!! (wipes tear from laughing so hard)
Ummm...anyone notice it's mostly men that have responded in here? :-D |
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04/24/2008 09:07:24 AM · #11 |
omg! too funny. what a great way to start the day! thanks for sharing it...have you ever thought of becomming a writter???
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04/24/2008 09:11:28 AM · #12 |
Originally posted by smilebig4me1x:
...have you ever thought of becomming a writter??? |
Is that different from a writer? He could author a Writ of Odious Corpses. |
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04/24/2008 09:16:04 AM · #13 |
Originally posted by scalvert:
Originally posted by smilebig4me1x:
...have you ever thought of becomming a writter??? |
Is that different from a writer? He could author a Writ of Odious Corpses. |
That's very becomming of you. :-) Sorry, Cher - couldn't control myself! He-he. |
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04/24/2008 09:22:13 AM · #14 |
sonofabitch!!!
nearly choked on my oatmeal, and my coworkers had to help me up from the floor!
definitely sharing this with my house full of girls (wife & 3 daughters) |
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04/24/2008 09:28:42 AM · #15 |
| Thanks, I'll be thinking of that all day now! |
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04/24/2008 09:55:28 AM · #16 |
Thanks for sharing...
I was laughing so hard that my co-workers was wondering what was wrong with me so I had to share it with them as well. |
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04/24/2008 09:58:57 AM · #17 |
| That was some funny sheet. I've been there I know that pain. Way to funny. |
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04/24/2008 10:32:39 AM · #18 |
Maybe if I tell this story to my wife, she won't give ME such a hard time next time I gas her to the point of throwing-up a bit in her mouth.
PS: I like the part about the bees. Classic.
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04/24/2008 10:46:02 AM · #19 |
| Oh, I am sooo glad I didn't take a sip of coffee as I read the part obout "waving off bees." LOLOL! |
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04/24/2008 10:48:43 AM · #20 |
| OMFG I'm laughing so damn hard. I'm so sending this to my husband. Unfortunately I've been there when I was pregnant. It was how I found out I couldn't eat chicken :D |
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04/24/2008 10:52:30 AM · #21 |
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04/24/2008 02:44:53 PM · #22 |
Originally posted by glad2badad:
Originally posted by scalvert:
Originally posted by smilebig4me1x:
...have you ever thought of becomming a writter??? |
Is that different from a writer? He could author a Writ of Odious Corpses. |
That's very becomming of you. :-) Sorry, Cher - couldn't control myself! He-he. |
thats ok...some people have trouble with gas..I have trouble with finger hiccups ;P
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04/24/2008 07:41:11 PM · #23 |
That's not my story :) Some friend of mine sent me this the other day and I was laughing so hard, I think I did have some "jail break"... so i had to post that here.
Enjoy, and never mind here it came from. The story is in quotes, so it's not mine :D
Message edited by author 2008-04-24 19:43:11. |
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