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07/05/2007 10:55:47 PM · #26 |
A Baby Seal walks into a club.
Don't kill me. I heard it on Bob & Tom. |
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07/05/2007 10:56:59 PM · #27 |
| A Priest, a Pastor and a Rabbi walk into a bar, the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?" |
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07/05/2007 11:13:24 PM · #28 |
An eskimo trudges into a garage pulling a broken-down snow-mobile behind him. The mechanic looks at the vehicle, and then looks at the eskimo and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The eskimo says, "No, that's just a milk mustache." |
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07/05/2007 11:41:30 PM · #29 |
| Guy carrying a pig walks in to a bar to meet his wife. Walks over to her and says in an angry voice..."ok fine, here is the ugly fat whore I've been cheating on you with". The wife breaks into tears and asks why. The man says "shut up, I was talking to my pig. |
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07/05/2007 11:44:07 PM · #30 |
Steve a very funny guy
Originally posted by wavelength:
An eskimo trudges into a garage pulling a broken-down snow-mobile behind him. The mechanic looks at the vehicle, and then looks at the eskimo and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The eskimo says, "No, that's just a milk mustache." |
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07/05/2007 11:47:22 PM · #31 |
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
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07/06/2007 12:01:10 AM · #32 |
| A white man walks into an American Indian restaurant and asks the hostess "could I have a reservation..." the hostess replies "NO, you already have New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, Washington DC, Seattle, Boston, Philadelphia, Portland, Phoenix, Memphis..........." |
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07/06/2007 12:08:12 AM · #33 |
A man takes his dog into a bar and asks for two beers. The irate bartender says "Get that dog outta here!"
"You don't understand," says the man, "this is a talking dog."
"Oh, sure," says the bartender, "we better hear him talk right now."
The man turns to the dog and asks "What's on top of this building?"
"Rrrrroof," replies the dog.
"That's not talking," says the bartender, starting to make his way around the counter.
"Wait," says the man, that's not all. "What's the most popular mini-series of all time?" he asks.
"Rrrrrroots," says the dog, as the other patrons begin to clear the way for the seemingly inevitible action to follow.
"Hold on, one more," says the man desperately. "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog, glad to know the answer to this one too, joyfully yelps out "Rrrrruth," at which point the bartender grabs them by their respective collars and flings them through the front door.
Outside, on the sidewalk, the dog turns to the man and says "Gee, do you think I should have said Mickey Mantle?" |
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07/06/2007 12:22:36 AM · #34 |
A guy walks into a bar, and orders 12 shots of straight whiskey. The bartender poors the shots and the guy quickly slams all 12. Bartender says "Wow, what's the occasion man?"
The guy replies "My first blow job."
"Well! That is something! Here, let me buy you a shot too." says the bartender.
"No thanks," says the guy, "If 12 shots won't get the taste out of my mouth, another one isn't gonna do any good." |
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07/06/2007 12:24:47 AM · #35 |
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
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07/06/2007 02:23:51 AM · #36 |
A guy walks into a bar and pulls up a stool. On his shoulder is this little guy, about a foot tall. The bartender walks up, and says "What will you have?"
"Give me a beer"
the bartender sets the beer down, and the little guy grabs it, and slams it down, and laughs maniacally at the man.
"Give me a shot of tequilla, bartender"
the bartender sets the shot down, the man quickly reaches for it, but the little guy grabs it and slams it down, then laughs and flips the man the bird.
"Bartender, give me a jack and coke"
bartender sets the glass down and the little guy grabs it, dumps it all over the bar, and reaches up and slaps the man in the face, giggling the whole time.
So the bartender says, "Hey man, what's with this little guy?"
The man says, "Well, a while back I caught a leprechaun, and he told me that he would grant me one wish"
"Yeah...." says the bartender.
"Well, I wished for a 12 inch prick" |
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07/06/2007 07:42:37 AM · #37 |
| A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer... and a mop." |
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07/06/2007 08:07:26 AM · #38 |
A man walks into a bar. The bar has a robot bartender. The
robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make
conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness,
string theory, nano- technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball,supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns and women's breasts.Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's Your IQ?"The man replies, "Er,50, I think." And the robot says... real slowly,"So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
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07/06/2007 08:23:14 AM · #39 |
| A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey, drinks them and leaves. He comes back the next day and again asks for 3 shots of whiskey. the bartender says "you know, I can give it to you in one glass if you want" to which the man replies that he has two brothers overseas and having the three shots is symbolic of sitting down and having a drink with them. This continues for a month or so and then one day the man comes in and asks for 2 shots instead. The bartender asks "Did something happen to one of your brothers?" and the man says "no, I just promised my wife I would stop drinking." |
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07/06/2007 08:26:31 AM · #40 |
Jacko walks into a bar ... "Show me your tits, no not your Pedro".
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07/06/2007 08:28:46 AM · #41 |
Originally posted by Elliottjms:
"A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: 'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.'
What movie what's the next line? |
The naked lady says "I'd like a scredriver please."
The bartender says "Rough night?"
The naked lady replies "No, I just need to be loosen up." |
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07/06/2007 08:31:20 AM · #42 |
| A man walks into a bar, and after hanging around for a little, needs to relieve himself. He asks the bartender, who informs him that there is not a restroom. He really needs to go, so he wanders upstairs and finds a hole in the floor. Now he really needs to go bad, so he does his business and walks back downstairs to find the entire bar deserted. He asks "what happened?" and the disheveled bartender says "where were you when the shit hit the fan?" |
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07/06/2007 08:35:09 AM · #43 |
I'll try to write one from memory.
A man walks into a bar and sits down for a beer. Shortly after, an older guy sits beside him and pulls out a foot tall man and a small piano out of his pocket. The first guy is amazed when the small man starts to play piano, and says "wow, that's amazing, where did you get that?"
"I got this magic lantern", and proceeds to show it to his new friend. "I'll sell you it for $100. Just tell it your wish and rub its side, and voila".
After looking over this interesting item, he finished his beer and agreed to pay the $100. While he was leaving the bar, he had a great idea. He rubbed the side of the lantern and said "I want a million bucks". Then all of a sudden he sees thousands and thousands of ducks running towards him from over the hill. He runs back into the bar and tells the older guy that the lantern seemed to be broken, to which he received the reply: "I know, do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
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07/06/2007 08:37:21 AM · #44 |
A man walks into a bar with an octopus, and bets anyone in the room $100 that his octopus can play any instrument. A man takes him up on the bet and hands the octopus a guitar, which the octopus immediately starts to play. Another man hands the octopus a trumpet, who looks at it for a little, and then begins to play a little tune. Next a Scotsman hands the octopus bagpipes. The Octopus looks at it, turns it over, and keeps examining it completely baffled the man asks, "can't you play it?" and the octopus says, "Play it? If I can find out how to get the pants off of it I'm going to screw it!"
Message edited by author 2007-07-06 08:37:45. |
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07/06/2007 09:32:33 AM · #45 |
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
~Terry
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07/06/2007 11:16:47 AM · #46 |
Originally posted by Jacko:
Jacko walks into a bar ... "Show me your tits, no not your Pedro". |
When I grow up, I want to be just like Jacko.
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07/06/2007 12:20:04 PM · #47 |
| A duck goes into a bar, orders his drink, and then tells the bartender to put it on his bill. |
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07/06/2007 12:30:56 PM · #48 |
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Just as he is about to drink it, a big guy comes and drinks its beer. The man starts crying.
The big guy snaps him on the shoulder: "oh, c'mon, it's just a beer".
"Yes", replies the man, "but this morning I tried to shoot myself and the gun wouldn't fire, then I tried to hang myself onto a branch and the branch broke and now, I put all the poison I had in that beer and YOU come and drink it".
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07/06/2007 12:52:12 PM · #49 |
Originally posted by ClubJuggle:
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
~Terry |
I've seen that joke like five times, and I just now got it. wow, that's punny. |
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07/06/2007 01:13:54 PM · #50 |
an old man walk into a bar...
the receptionist ask: what do you want sir, GRO as in "Guest Relation Officer", or CG?
the old man replied: what is CG means? "Call Girl"?
the receptionist replied: no sir, "CareGiver"!
toink!
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