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06/20/2007 11:16:50 AM · #1 |
Ok I am having huge problems. I wrote a post earlier about my boyfriend moving 12 hours away well now he is trippin over that again. I mean I don't mind moving in time but right now, like if he asked me to move in a month I would probably say no. For one he has never met my mom after two years, there has been alot with that that I am not going to go into detail with right now but I am not going to move in with him until my mom knows that I am in good hands. She is very protective over m sister and I and I know she will be heart broken when I eventually leave so I just want to make sure she will be ok. And then it will be 12 hours away. Probably 14 away from the rest of my family and my mom will probably be moving closer bu tthen anyways so I will be extremely far from my family which will be fine at first but it will be hard. Then my sister just left for the air force two days ago I believe and my mom has been crying every day since she left so I can only imagine how she will be when I do leave because then both her girls will be gone. I do know that I will have to leave one day which seems to be soon and I do understand I have to grow up sometime but why can't he understand where I am coming from. His sister is the one who moved to Georgia about a month ago and got him this job so atleast he will be by some of his family. I will have noone, well I will have him which will be great and I love him but its just hard. I don't mind moving with him once he meets my mom, once everyone gets along and once I am sure my mom will be ok and know that I am safe and in good hands. I just want to make sure things will be fine for everyone. And I don't even mind transfering to a school up there. I am pretty sure there are good schools in georgia and I would only be going for accountant so im sure you can learn that at whatever school. But now he is mad at me because I want all this first before moving. He doesn't understand where I am coming from. I have been asking him for months if I could move in and he always says he is not ready for that kind of commitment and then all of a sudden when he is the one moving away he wants me to move just like that. He is mad at me because he says if what we had was true love then I wouldn't have to think but does anyone else understand where I am coming from. Am I the one in the wrong here or what? I am very confused. Now he says this is not true love, he thought we had something but now he knows the truth. He said if I ever had a change of heart and decided to move in he would turn me down because now he knows how I "really feel" which is not true at all. It is like he is not even listening to me. But the weird thing is I still love him, always will. I will still refer to him as my boyfriend when I talk about him. I will continue to call to try and fix things, text him i love him all the time. I am crazy bout him and he says he loves me just the same if not more but sometimes that is hard to believe with all this going on you know? Whenever we get into arguments I am always working my hardest to fix things, make sure things are good for us, I do alot for him. Send him gifts all the time, whether a card just to say I love you or a small gift. I even planned a romatic evening for the next time i see him (long distance) and spent alot of money i dont have and now he is ready to leave me so what now? I bought rose petals for his room, around 20 candles, wrote him a poem, bought lingerie, am going to learn to cook his fav meal, well we were suppose to cook together and I just wanted to keep him happy and now i feel like I ruined everything, like i am the bad person in this. I am a horrible person that when i get upset or mad I say alot of hurtful things but nothing that i mean but i feel like i pushed him away. he means the world to me, i love him so much and i hate that it is ending up this way. I have no idea what to do. I don't drive so i am bout to buy a bus ticket up to his place then he wont be able to turn me away and we will have to talk through things. I can set up the romantic time while he is at work! I don't know, any advice would be greatly appreciated, please, please help!
He is the love of my life always and forever.
Message edited by author 2007-06-20 11:25:39.
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06/20/2007 11:25:28 AM · #2 |
| sorry honey, but can you say manipulation? Sounds like maybe that is what's going on. But I'm just basing this on what you've posted. Break up and live a bit. Hasn't met your mom in two years? Knowing how much your mom means to you? Nah, it's not going to work out. |
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06/20/2007 11:25:54 AM · #3 |
| If you have been seeing him for two years and he has not met your mother, he is not the right one. |
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06/20/2007 11:31:34 AM · #4 |
Let me see if I have this straight. This is the same guy that decided to move and didn't tell you for 2 weeks, didn't discuss his decision with you at all prior to making the commitment to move? And he now expects you to drop everything and move with him and to ensure that he gets his own way on this he's sulking and making you feel guilty?
OK here's the way I see it, he didn't respect you enough to include you in his decision making in the first place. Now he is showing absolutely no respect for the fact that you have commitments where you are that need to be taken care of before you can run off and be his beck and call girl. He is using emotional blackmail to manipulate you into doing what he wants and is showing no respect for or regard for your feelings or situation.
I'm sorry, maybe I'm missing something but this guy reads as a selfish prick and I think you're better to let him move quietly out of your life.
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06/20/2007 11:32:48 AM · #5 |
I hope this does not hurt your feelings, but what you are describing is not love, it's infatuation.
You aren't going to believe me now, but perhaps it will settle in later. I know, because I have been there.
I really think you should consider finding a good therapist and working through some of the things you have mentioned. Here, you are going to get a variety of responses and will probably end up more conflicted than ever. |
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06/20/2007 11:36:27 AM · #6 |
Old advice once given to me: "If there is any doubt, there is no doubt."
From what you posted, it sounds like you should get out and move on. Regain your independence and own life. It sounds more like you're in love with being in love - an easy state to fall into when you're young :-)
There's someone else out there. Don't waste any more time getting yourself hurt by him.
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06/20/2007 11:45:30 AM · #7 |
| Agreed with others, dump him. |
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06/20/2007 11:45:36 AM · #8 |
Everyone's advice is dead on.
My last relationship was much like the one you are in right now. I'm glad it's over. At the time, I wasn't...I was a wreck.
Move on and when you least expect it, everything will fall into place and everything will just feel right. There will be no doubt about anything. No questions. Period.
He hasn't met your mother after 2 years!? Definately not the one. |
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06/20/2007 11:46:37 AM · #9 |
| You can PM me anytime if you ever want to ask questions, share your thoughts, or whatever. Hope everything looks up soon. |
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06/20/2007 11:59:28 AM · #10 |
| Reading this and your other thread, I must ask you if you have ever been called Crystal. If not, you do have a lot in common with her. |
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06/20/2007 12:16:15 PM · #11 |
I have no idea who this crystal is you are refering too.....I think i might be crazy, because i keep trying to call but he wont answer, i left two voicemails already today and around 15 or so texts.
Message edited by author 2007-06-20 12:17:33.
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06/20/2007 12:17:38 PM · #12 |
| Everyone is right. This guy is loser material. I know you care about him, but your life will be garbage if you stay with him. Move on, my dear. It will hurt, but its the best decision. |
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06/20/2007 12:23:04 PM · #13 |
Originally posted by MssyNita:
I have no idea who this crystal is you are refering too.....I think i might be crazy, because i keep trying to call but he wont answer, i left two voicemails already today and around 15 or so texts. |
This ought to be a flashing neon sign to you. If he's so willing to toss you aside when his plans go afoul, he cannot possibly love you that much. Why edure that kind of agony?
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06/20/2007 12:26:23 PM · #14 |
[crying now]
I don't know, it ook me foever to find him, my first everything. I have been so shy and have always wanted this, wanted love and for a long time feared i would never find it because i was so quiet and reserved and then i found him. I am afraid i won't find anyone else. and it i do they will be nothing like him, all the things i am use to, associate with love is with him and now with any other guy i will judge them, etc. i am just so afraid to be alone. i hate this.
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06/20/2007 12:32:09 PM · #15 |
Originally posted by MssyNita:
[crying now]
I don't know, it ook me foever to find him, my first everything. I have been so shy and have always wanted this, wanted love and for a long time feared i would never find it because i was so quiet and reserved and then i found him. I am afraid i won't find anyone else. and it i do they will be nothing like him, all the things i am use to, associate with love is with him and now with any other guy i will judge them, etc. i am just so afraid to be alone. i hate this. |
Won't find anyone else like him...all the things you're used to? Someone who can't respect your choices, has no interest in your family, puts his desires first and is ready to ditch you at the drop of a hat? You'd be lucky not to find someone like that again.
Don't be afraid to be alone, it sounds like it would do you some good. Learn how to become your own person, not just someone else's girlfriend. |
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06/20/2007 12:35:37 PM · #16 |
Originally posted by MssyNita:
[crying now]
... i am just so afraid to be alone. |
I truly hate to say this, but from this man's perspective you already ARE ALONE... No righteous man would treat you in such a heinous manner.
Do take the time to review the comments made by the ladies in this thread, as I am certain that their perspective on this matter will prove of great benefit to you.
This is one of those instances where certain adages come to mind such as: "You have nothing to fear but fear itself"... and "Time heals all wounds".
The pain you might experience at break-up will pale by comparisson with that you would endure during a long term commitment with a person who seemingly cares little, if anything, about how you feel.
Just a thought,
Ray |
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06/20/2007 01:14:31 PM · #17 |
Originally posted by MssyNita:
[crying now]
I don't know, it ook me foever to find him, my first everything. I have been so shy and have always wanted this, wanted love and for a long time feared i would never find it because i was so quiet and reserved and then i found him. I am afraid i won't find anyone else. and it i do they will be nothing like him, all the things i am use to, associate with love is with him and now with any other guy i will judge them, etc. i am just so afraid to be alone. i hate this. |
OK sweetie go wash your face and take a long look in the mirror. You are beautiful, you're young, you are intelligent, you are caring, you are loving and you deserve more than this guy is offering. You have so much to give don't throw yourself away on someone that doesn't deserve it.
The man that deserves you.... is happy to meet your family and spend time with them he understands that they are important to you and wants them to know that he is looking after you. He talks to you about his plans especially if they concern both of you. He thinks your studies/happiness/life are at least as important as his. He supports you. He makes you feel loved and safe, he makes you smile.
Does this sound like the man you're crying over? Honestly?
I know that now it seems to much to bear but you are stronger than you know and you will get through it and you will find a good man, I'm sure of it but first you need to realize your own worth.
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06/20/2007 02:29:20 PM · #18 |
I am crying at work now. He finally called me back but I wasn't able to answer so he left a voicemail. I told him bout my plans for the weekend and he said they sounded very nice and if I still wanted to come up that would be fine but he just thinks we need to work on being friends now. How can I cook him a romatic dinner, where my lingerie, decorate his room in a romantic, passionate, lovers way when he doesn't want me. How can I even talk to him, look at him knowing he is not mine. How can I honestly look at him knowing he is probably kissing another girl, etc when I am not around. How can I be friends with my first love, first kiss, first relationship.....the guy that has helped me through my shyness, tough times, etc. How can I do that? Why are you all sitting here telling me to just dump him, live my life and I can't seem to do it. Why can't I stop thinking about him, his lips, gentle touch, way he looks at me, etc. I think I am just going to come up the weekend we planned, do all the things I planned. I am going to breakdown in tears, I can see it now. We will talk things out and it will all be good. We have done it plenty of times before. I can't let go, what is wrong with me. How can you all tell me all this and I still don't want to do it. I don't do anything with my life as it is. The only way I ever get out of my room or the livingroom is if I go up to see him. I don't talk to anyone because I am so shy and I NEVER go out. I am lonely already as it is and now I am about to lose him and then what. sit in my room 24/7 never talking to anyone, never going out, living a miserable life. I will just be watching tv, eating or sleeping my life away. I am a pathetic fuck at this moment. I am going before i upset myself anymore!
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06/20/2007 02:45:55 PM · #19 |
| Anita I understand what it's like to be shy, it's my most constant struggle, I also know what loneliness is like. What I can tell you is that the loneliest time of my life was when I was married to a man that didn't love me, although he said he did. Going by the way he treated me I don't think he even liked me. Please don't make the same mistake, that's a hurt that you don't deserve. Shyness is something that you can manage you don't have to spend your life alone. I know it doesn't look like it now but you get to choose your life. Don't allow someone to treat you badly because you think you can't do any better, honestly it's better to be alone than in a relationship that is destructive to you. |
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06/20/2007 02:49:10 PM · #20 |
| Personally, I think this post is way too much information that we really didn't need. |
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06/20/2007 02:55:49 PM · #21 |
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Welcome to the club, we've all been there. It's part of growing up. You have a first love, you get in really deep, and it usually goes to hell. And it is rough to get through, and it can take a long time to get over. But you do get over it, and you're stronger and wiser for it, and you realize how much you learned from it, both what to do again, and what not to do again.
Keep yourself busy. Insanely busy, with anything and everything else. It helps the time pass, and one day you'll realize that you don't think about him all the time, you don't dwell on it, heck, you don't even really remember him that well.
I'm sure this doesn't make you feel much better, but take heart in knowing that you're not the first to go through this, nor will you be the last. It's part of the process, and from the hardest parts we gain the most, in the end.
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06/20/2007 02:58:43 PM · #22 |
| It might be helpful to find a counsellor you can talk to. |
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06/20/2007 03:04:15 PM · #23 |
whatever happened to her?
BTW, if you need a friend I live in harford county. I have no problem meeting NICE guys. They are everywhere, you just have to be willing to talk to them.
Originally posted by pcody:
Reading this and your other thread, I must ask you if you have ever been called Crystal. If not, you do have a lot in common with her. |
Message edited by author 2007-06-20 15:18:57. |
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06/20/2007 03:07:20 PM · #24 |
Anita I really think you need to talk to your mom and a counsellor about all this. Especially your mom. She has hugs for you that you will find give you immeasureable strength.
Also -- don't go to wherever that fuck is. He only wants to be friends. He doesn't love you. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Did I mention that HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU? |
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06/20/2007 03:26:56 PM · #25 |
Im with everyone on this.
Here is the thing, if you are that shy, hold out for someone who brings you out of your shell, gives you confidence, loves you for you, instead of this guy who seems to be just knocking you down at every turn.
Your first will hardly ever be your best. My first was manipulative and made me feel like I wasn't worth the dirt on his shoe. This guy doesn't sound much different. You feel guilty because he manipulated you into feeling guilty and you let him do it. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. In the end you have to take care of yourself.
You are young, you can fix it. I see women around me... 40s, 50s still dating the same crappy men and wondering what went wrong. You know why? Because as humans we like what we know and get into patterns and don't see a way out.
Well there is. But no one can make changes happen, it has to be you. You don't want to sit around all day? Get involved. Join some clubs.
You know what you need is a nice makeover. It sounds really shallow and lame but really, I've heard that getting a new look is great after a breakup. I've done it before. Brings change, a fresh start, a burst of confidence. |
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