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07/08/2003 04:22:42 AM · #1 |
For the past year I have been the model for series of paintings being done by an artist. We became close friends and as he painted my pain became his, it became part of the paintings. A few of the paintings are in the gallery in New York already and 2 have sold. He has a show that opens on the 12th where the rest of the paintings were suppose to show. In the last few months he ventured into a new series of paintings. Tonight I was informed the paintings are not going to be in the show. Cause he feels like he is exploiting my pain by making money off the painting. Although as a model I have this ludicrous contract for a unbelievable amount of money when the paintings sale, and yet he feels like he is exploiting my pain and anguish.
I have been struggling for weeks as to if I continue with photography or not and it was my photos that sparked his creativity for these paintings so of course I am devistated right now that he isn't going to show them. I have this overwelming feeling that they weren't good enough for him. Although, I know they were great paintings and the real reason for not showing them is when we started it was his ideas but as we advanced my pain took over and when he looks at them he sees someone who had a great loss and lives each day in pain cause of it, and it is that very reason he can't show them he feels like he is exploiting my pain but instead what he did was brought me down to where I don't know how to even pick the camera up right now.
Ever want to just give up?
Message edited by author 2003-07-08 19:09:49. |
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07/08/2003 04:31:49 AM · #2 |
Originally posted by OneSweetSin:
Ever want to just give up? |
Sure, who hasn't? Once or twice I've hit real lows, where nothing seems to make sense anymore. During these times I normally concentrate on the one thing that always makes me happy - family and friends.
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07/08/2003 04:41:28 AM · #3 |
Whatever his reasons for not showing the paintings it really doesn't matter what is important is that the pain is yours and you must live it to free yourself from it, giving up on things you like, people you love and the world around you is simply denial!
You enjoy photography, probably one could say you love it, stop punishing yourself for whatever reason. Most of us want to give up doing something we like or love for some reason but then regret it. The link between the paintings and the photography is a subtle one, the real link is between you and your pain. GO CREATE!
footnote:
Why do we have pain? Pain lets us know that something is wrong, if you deny the pain you deny that something is wrong.
Your pain is there for a reason, pain is like a path to freedom, the more you deny the pain, the more you are unwilling to take the pain the worse it becomes! Accept it, all of it, and it will give you freedom!
Message edited by author 2003-07-08 04:42:28. |
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07/08/2003 04:53:28 AM · #4 |
Originally posted by OneSweetSin:
I have this overwelming feeling that they weren't good enough for him. |
Anna, you are the subject ofhis paintings. If they aren't good enough...it's the paintings that aren't up to snuff, not you. I understand how this may have been a way for your to see some beauty stemming from your suffering, but make sure the things you rely on are in your control.
As Chez says - you need to take the responsibility yourself. If your camera does that for you; go take pictures. If not, then keep searching...there's beauty out there is we learn how to see it.
Peace,
Pedro
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07/08/2003 05:34:39 AM · #5 |
I don't know anything about the situation, but the first question that popped into my head after reading your post was how well do you know this painter? The reason I ask is that you mentioned that you have a ludicris contract for an unbelievable amount of money if they get sold. If it is really unbelievable, then you probablly shouldn't believe it, and he might be telling you he isn't selling them because he doesn't want to exploit you when he is actually planning on selling them without your knowlege and in fact actually exploiting you and not honoring the contract. I apologize if this doesn't make you feel any better about the situation.
On the other hand, he could just be being honest and in part not want to sell the work because it is in a style, or of a subject, that he doesn't feel is really "his." Still, if you have a contract, and you want him to sell the paintings, and want your money, you should be able to convince him that he isn't exploiting you and to continue with his sales.
No matter what is really going on in this situation it should have no impact on your own photography. Keep doing what you like doing and screw this guy!
I've heard it said that pain is fear leaving your body. It is good to come to terms with, explore, and understand your pain. I don't know what kind of pain it is you are suffering from but I wish you the best. Please please please don't give up!
Message edited by author 2003-07-08 05:36:26. |
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07/08/2003 07:14:22 AM · #6 |
Originally posted by OneSweetSin:
Ever want to just give up? |
Of course.
But then, after a week or so, the sound of the shutter follows me everywhere.
i want to hear it i need to hear it i must be close to my camera i must feel the slight shake of the mirror slapping against the foam inside the camera house i must tolerate the half second of waiting time until the result shows on the lcd i must survive the disappointment for the fraction of a second before i press the shutter again, oh that beautiful sound i must hear it.
... or something.
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07/08/2003 09:06:27 AM · #7 |
[quote=JasonPR]
On the other hand, he could just be being honest and in part not want to sell the work because it is in a style, or of a subject, that he doesn't feel is really "his." Still, if you have a contract, and you want him to sell the paintings, and want your money, you should be able to convince him that he isn't exploiting you and to continue with his sales.
quote]
You said what I used to think, but, I know he couldn't do that for one reason he has a conscience and it is getting in the way big time. The real reason for the unbelievable contract was his guilty conscience.
I have a terrible time now with a project I want to start on my own cause of the problems we ran into along the way. He is right he did take something from me that was mine and mine alone but he also left me more aware of others as I do photography. I can't take something someone enjoys as an outlet and make it mine for the sake of art. Anyone who thinks they can is a fool and headed for disaster. |
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07/08/2003 11:09:09 AM · #8 |
Whatever the cause, what would be the best way resolve a dilemma?
To pick up the camera and 'use' such a wealth of upheaval and emotion or to just 'give up'?
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07/08/2003 07:55:31 PM · #9 |
Originally posted by zeuszen:
Whatever the cause, what would be the best way resolve a dilemma?
To pick up the camera and 'use' such a wealth of upheaval and emotion or to just 'give up'? |
I haven't figured out yet how to even pick it up. I just tried and it was probably the first time I really couldn't pick it up. I'm looking at the challenges right now, I have something in for night on the town and I have something to upload for nudes but beyond that I don't know right now. I guess I am just going to have to find a real reason to pick up my camera, but first I need inspired. |
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07/08/2003 08:25:52 PM · #10 |
To 'inspire' - to breathe (life) into something...
It's not passive. The world is full of people waiting.
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07/08/2003 09:45:45 PM · #11 |
"What people think of me is none of my business."
jonathan bruno
"God is subtle but he is not malicious."
Albert Einstein
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07/08/2003 11:06:50 PM · #12 |
Originally posted by jbruno1397:
"What people think of me is none of my business."
jonathan bruno
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How I wish we never did know what others think of us. Life would be so much more carefree and a lot less hiding |
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07/08/2003 11:09:19 PM · #13 |
| Maybe you should photograph your own pain...could make for some powerful images. Photography is rather therapeutic...and in the process of playing with the images...your heart and mind will find a most needed distraction. I've done this before...it works! |
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