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DPChallenge Forums >> Rant >> My Stupid ExBF (warning: long, soap opera-ish)
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Showing posts 1 - 11 of 11, (reverse)
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 02/03/2007 11:56:59 PM · #1
(Because I can't really do it in my blog without it finding its way back to him on short order.)

We were an off and on item for twelve years, basically since I was 18, my entire adult life. About five years ago, we had a bad breakup that ended with me moving to Colorado. We slowly became friends again after about two years of licking our wounds. This past October, he came to visit and we had a great time. Nothing romantic happened, but it was great to see him.

Now, ExBf had a girl back home that he's been dating for the past two years, but from day one he was always insisting to me that she was nothing serious, and when I was home for a wedding in November he told me twice that she was pressuring him for a commitment and he really wasn't sure that was something he wanted. After the trip, he started acting kinda funny with me, so I needled him until he told me the truth: he said was still in love with me.

Truth is, I missed him a lot, too, so we opened negotiations for getting back together. It would have obstacles, being in school in different states and all, but we never said "no, this isn't going to work, forget it." At Christmas, he reiterated that he wanted to be with me and kissed me good bye.

About three weeks ago, I actually gave him permission to call it off, and he left it open. The next day, he proposed to the girlfriend on a whim in the middle of a grocery store. At this point I told him I could no longer be in his life on any level whatsoever. The girlfriend-now-fiancee has never trusted him with me, he obviously can't trust himself with me, and I'd rather gouge out my eyes than watch them be together. He seems to have chosen to respect that decision, and I was just fine. Pissed off, but not the sobbing mess we girls can be when our men are colossally stupid. I was fine, and maybe even happy with so many other positive things going on in my life, and maybe even strong for having cut him off so definitively.

At least, until today, when a mutual friend wrote a note in her blog wishing two unnamed newlyweds a happy life together. I know her well enough and can read between the lines well enough that I know it was her way of letting me know that they have eloped without directly telling me, which might have broken the rules. (I specifically told everyone that I had no desire or intention of discussing it - which was really to say that I would be picking and choosing exactly who I wanted to talk to, and that there was to be no unsolicited sympathy.) So much for the stoicism, I've been a wreck all day. Which I know is a pathetic thing to be over a man who in 12 years could never commit to me, but there you have it.

So my rant is this:
HOW DARE HE TELL ME HE LOVES ME AND ASK SOMEONE ELSE TO MARRY HIM IN THE SAME GODDAMN BREATH!!! We were the ones who joked about running away to Vegas, and he did it with someone else. We were best friends. I really deserved better than that.

Message edited by author 2007-02-04 00:02:45.
 02/04/2007 01:55:37 AM · #2
well, i wish i knew what to say to make you feel better but since my marriage of 25 years ended a year ago, my opinion of men hasn't been very high. (that's changing though.)

it sounds to me like he was trying to keep all his options open...keeping you on the line in case she declined his proposal...keeping her on the line in case things didn't work out with you. so, it seems to me that he's a total pr*ck and i wouldn't waste good tears on him. of course, that's easier said than done. :-/

in all honesty, i still have moments that i miss him. well, not him, but i miss having a companion. so, give yourself permission to grieve the loss for a little while. then start celebrating your new independent life.

keep your chin up, sistah...things get better. *hugs*


02/04/2007 03:32:02 AM · #3
Rebecca,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. That happened to my wife with her exBF except there were children involved. Real piece of work that guy is. Hang in there girl, things will work themselves out in time.

Best regards,
Steve


02/04/2007 12:40:02 PM · #4
Thanks.. I confirmed my guess this morning, and also received assurances that none of our mutual friends are exactly thrilled by the news either, so at least I'm not alone in that.
02/04/2007 01:21:17 PM · #5
Just think about how lucky you are to not be her.

He sounds like a real "prize".
 02/04/2007 01:31:13 PM · #6
Originally posted by Spazmo99:
Just think about how lucky you are to not be her.

He sounds like a real "prize".


Yeah, I have to agree with you there.

Rebecca, it may sound to the contrary at the moment, but it seems you are very fortunate that he married her.
 02/04/2007 01:38:29 PM · #7
Originally posted by Spazmo99:
Just think about how lucky you are to not be her.

He sounds like a real "prize".


The funny thing is that I've always kinda hated that I couldn't ever put him behind me just because of stuff like that. He's not a bad guy, but supremely irresponsible and certainly not without issues. Bleh. I'm glad to be rid of him but it still hurts.
 02/04/2007 02:18:06 PM · #8
Yea, it will still hurt. BUT, if he couldn't be faithful to someone he dated for two years (and wasn't serious?????????), you would never have been able to trust him after you were married. My take on it, and I obviously don't have the pain involved that you do, is that he was lying to you, and he was lying to his fiance/wife, but most of all, he is lying to himself. Frankly, you could be in a lot worse shape -- you could be her.

Hug yourself, go do something that you enjoy, and keep hangin' on.

02/04/2007 02:55:51 PM · #9
Sounds like you definitely dodged a bullet there.

But, do you really miss him? Or, do you miss the person that you wish he was?
 02/05/2007 12:06:16 AM · #10
Originally posted by L2:
Sounds like you definitely dodged a bullet there.

But, do you really miss him? Or, do you miss the person that you wish he was?


Well, both. We met when we were 18 and 20, respectively, and that's pretty young. We became best friends over the years, and people change. They go through hard times, they grow up, they get a little chubbier than they used to be, but when you're best friends you accept the changes and love them anyway. There's a reason "for better or for worse" is a part of the standard wedding vows, and as friends we had that going. He was there for me through my low points, and I was there for him through his. I wanted to be with my best friend, faults and all. I still can't imagine any better scenario than one in which I wind up with my best friend, though that best friend is no longer him. Now I have no best friend. I miss him as he was when I first met him as a teenager, and I was very proud of him for the person he was finally becoming, finally getting his life together, not just finally finishing his bachelors but looking ahead to a PhD, and finally seeming to be turning into a responsible adult. Then he pulls this crap, I don't understand this decision he's made at all, and it's turned him into a total stranger. I hope that makes more sense, how twelve years can slip by, how I could forgive so many faults for so long. It's been a long and complicated journey. I wish it could have happened differently.
02/05/2007 11:40:41 PM · #11
((((((hugs)))))) You wished it could of happened differently, but it happened just the way it needed to for reasons you may not understand at this point in time. Try to make some sense of closure about this. I won't bad mouth the guy. He will have a lifetime of living with his choices and the regret he is sure to already feel by losing you. Sounds like he was confused (nothing real evil in that) and by trying to keep the current gf and still have you, he played both ends against the middle and lost big. Thoughts of you and WHAT if will linger in his mind for ever more had he ended up with you. That is punishment enough for any guy.

Sometimes what we love is the familiar, the comfortable. He is what you know, what you have known. Probably not wise to go backwards. You broke up for a reason then. That same issue is probably still there.

Find a fresh love. It will do you good. You are in a better place now and have more to offer someone else.

I hope you feel better soon. Cry all you want. It is cleansing and will help you heal, and don't forget you have your dpc family to whine too if you need to. :)

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