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08/19/2006 07:21:46 AM · #26 |
I send my condolences as well.
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08/19/2006 09:50:57 AM · #27 |
Family and friends are your best support. But there are times that you want and need to be alone. These are probably the hardest times. Your heart and mind will go back over the things you love and enjoy.
Photography , or any other hobby, can also be great therapy. You get to spend time by yourself enjoying something you like or even love, but your mind has something to concentrate on.
While you have to take time to grieve, you also have to work hard on "moving on". By this I don't mean forgetting, but rather, to try to enjoy the memories and at some point look for companionship. A lot of people have a hard time with this. It "feels" like you are abandoning your partner that you loved so much, but thats where the work comes in. You have to work on yourself to let this be a new journey and not something that erases the past. It's hard to do when you love someone so much.
I hope I made some sense here. I hope I helped, if just a little. I wish I could give you a big hug.
As you know, this is a great community, so don't ever be afraid to ask for help.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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08/19/2006 12:15:47 PM · #28 |
I am not sure if this is helpful, but it is something I repeat to myself over and over again to remind myself that I am not alone in pain, and that pain & loss is an essential component of spiritual growth. It's from "Agammemnon", Aeschylus's great tragedy.
He who lives, must suffer;
and even in our sleep, pain that does not forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart,
until, in our own despair, even against our will,
comes wisdom, by the awful grace of God.
I'm sorry for your loss. But use the suffering to become stronger.
Robt.
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08/19/2006 07:08:50 PM · #29 |
Just wanted to extend another thank you to all those who have replied to this thread today and PM'd me over the past couple of days. Your thoughts, prayers and kindness is greatly appreciated.
With thanks,
Natalya
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08/19/2006 07:31:42 PM · #30 |
I lost my father to cancer 14 months ago, and I completely understand where you're coming from.
The first initial shock of him dying lasted for a few months where it just felt like the pain would never end, but then faded gradually over the next few. It became more of a thing to be sad about when reminded rather than a constant feeling of loss.
Right around the one year mark I started feeling as helpless and lost as I was right after he passed. Everything reminded me of him, and I just felt like a huge part of me was missing. It kind of hits you that 12 whole months have passed without them. I felt like it was wrong for the world to keep going without him, as if everything should just stop.
When I miss him, I sit on the couch and look out the window onto the street. There are two large trees right outside it that bloom these white blossoms all over them that turn pink in the fall. I watch their progress and think about him. He used to sit on that couch everyday once he became ill. I feel close to him knowing he watched the same flowers grow, and it makes it seem as if not so much time has passed.
The memories I have of him are slowly starting to fade, and it's those times when I can't remember how he'd laugh, or what he smelled of that those pains come back.
Try going someplace that you and your partner went, your favorite restaurant, park, bookstore. And just sit down and remember him. Play his favorite songs on your stereo, make his favorite meal, and look through old photos.
Sometimes I just sleep through whole days at a time because I don't want to think about it. Take time for yourself, some people assume that 14 months after is so much easier than 2 months, but losing such an instrumental part of your life can never be fixed. Don't let their assumptions decide what you need to do to grieve. If you can't go to work one day, don't go. Stay in your pajamas and read.
I hope with time your grief lessens, but don't ever forget your loved one.
Sincerely,
Monica
(edited for spelling)
Message edited by author 2006-08-19 19:33:30. |
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08/19/2006 07:41:56 PM · #31 |
| I often wonder about this....does it get easier....easier may not be the right word....less difficult...well guess it means the same thing but not really....at the end of 1993 I was out of job that I had worked for 19.5 years. On unemployement which was fun for a bit...It was great having the year end holidays unencumbered. And unemployment was fine and had a severance and working room mate and I would get a new job soon...No problem. Then Richard died in March of 1994 and my entire world was in a turmoil. The hardest thing I ever had to was call his mother and sister to come have them give permission to pull the plug after he had a massive coronary a week into his hospital stay. I was not permitted to make the decision and every thing was taken out of my hands and I had nothing but the apartment and rent to pay and no job and.....but within a month I had found a new job and moved to a smaller apartment in time. You have to go on...that's all just go. 4 months after Richard died my two best friends in the world died a day after each other in early July. I saw each right before they passed. Jesse was blind and incoherent and Jimmy was almost comatose but opened his eyes and smiled at me. And then they were gone.I went to Jesse's memorial service and sang at Jimmy's. Tough to do but Jimmy had asked me. But I went on....you have to. It hurts like crazy to think about even now as I type through tears....but it passes. I always wonder why I am still here and they are not. Perhaps someday I will find out. |
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08/19/2006 08:58:28 PM · #32 |
Banmorn, you remind me of why we are here. I think one reason is to make things as easy as we can for those who follow us.
Sometimes there is another reason. The chance to set things right. The following story is painful, still, to relate. But it̢۪s time. I̢۪m sure not getting any younger.
My brother died when he was 4 days past his 26th birthday. It was sensational in his day, he was robbed, beaten and left for dead by the side of a lonely road. It took three weeks for him to die. When he did, I screamed and cried myself to sleep for months and never told anyone what had happened because it happened in another state many miles away.
Then a year ago, in October 2005, a reporter in the town where he died called trying to contact a relative. He wanted to tell my brother̢۪s story. I̢۪m the only one left. Somehow, following slim leads, this incredibly determined reporter found me 50 years later. What I never knew, and what the reporter told me in that initial phone contact was that my brother was a homosexual and was murdered because he was so labeled. Yes, I̢۪ll give you a link to the story.
And since then, an honorary grand niece began a documentary on my brother̢۪s life and death as a class project Who knows, perhaps she̢۪ll continue it. Education is a key to knowledge.
So, Banmorn, and others, this is the intent of this post. Sometimes there are reasons that hit you in the face as to why you should stay totally alive. Sometimes the reasons are more subtle. Sometimes they don̢۪t show up for years.
Stay fully alive, stay ready. Live!
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08/20/2006 07:33:38 AM · #33 |
To Monica, Robert and Alice thank you for your replies. Each of you has a story that has touched my heart and I feel for everyone of you.
Originally posted by sfalice:
So, Banmorn, and others, this is the intent of this post. Sometimes there are reasons that hit you in the face as to why you should stay totally alive. Sometimes the reasons are more subtle. Sometimes they don̢۪t show up for years.
Stay fully alive, stay ready. Live! |
Alice, this is so right! With all the ups and downs that each day brings and as hard as I find everything at times I know that each thing that happens is for a reason. Damian's passing has changed my life and the person I am forever, but if out of this tragedy I am able to use my experience and sadness to help, if I grasp all the things I loved about Damian and let those things shine through in my life then this hasn't all been in vain.
Thank you all again,
Natalya
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