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08/19/2006 05:53:41 PM · #101 |
Turn on yahoo if you wanna shout at me--
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08/19/2006 06:04:20 PM · #102 |
Originally posted by pcody:
Bogart divorced his wife and married his babe 2 years later. and they lived happily ever after(until he died) |
ok, rephrase: What would Humphrey Bogart's onscreen characters say/do?
:) |
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08/19/2006 06:06:03 PM · #103 |
| That's what I thought you would say if you rethought the question. |
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08/19/2006 06:18:07 PM · #104 |
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
If you really love someone and they can't seem to understand that or for some reason can't accept it, what do you do?
Do you fight for them? Do everything you can and hope they will accept it? Or what?
Help! |
Honestly, if she's not ready then there's nothing you can do to force her to understand it. And if you quit trying, then you've proved her right.
Alternately, if she's just not reciprocating, then there's no point in dragging things out. When she finds the right guy, she'll suddenly be quite over the ex-husband.
It's up to you to decide which is right and which path to follow.
Message edited by author 2006-08-19 18:20:43.
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08/19/2006 06:23:21 PM · #105 |
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
Unless we are talking about a cute girl from Mexico :-) |
Ayyyy ayyy ay ayyyyyy, canta y no lloreeees, por queee cantando se alegran cielito lindo los corazoneeees... :D |
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08/19/2006 06:30:28 PM · #106 |
Originally posted by Gaby_G:
Ayyyy ayyy ay ayyyyyy, canta y no lloreeees, por queee cantando se alegran cielito lindo los corazoneeees... :D |
Something about singing and not crying... glad about singing...
Sorry, my Espanol is not so hot.
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08/19/2006 06:31:45 PM · #107 |
leroy, may i ask how long she was married?
i have to say that i don't get the huge warning flags about her character or her motives that everyone else seems to be getting. i do think, rather, that she's just not ready to make another committment yet and i think trying to force her to make that decision after only dating for 6 months will not end well for you.
my husband of 24 years walked out on me 7 months ago (trading me in for a newer model) and although we had problems, it was still a devastating blow to my self confidence and self worth. feelings like those don't just vanish overnight. and if her marriage was at all abusive, those feelings can be compounded much more than normal and take a lot longer to work through. add to that the stress of going to school, raising 4 kids and caring for a grandmother...sounds to me like she is pretty much overwhelmed at the moment and has no time to even consider what SHE might want or need.
i know you are doing what you can to help her with expenses, but i have to ask...is there any part of you that thinks that spending money on her and the kids will obligate her to love you? is it possible that she might think so? i know i would have strong feelings of resentment if i felt that way about someone...even thought i knew the money was helping my family.
it sounds to me like your lonliness is causing you to try to rush things along a little...and that's understandable. maybe i'm a little old-fashioned but i think that 6 months dating is maybe a little too soon to profess that "till death do us part" kinda love. i might shy away from that, too, if i were her.
anyway, those are my thoughts. hope i haven't offended you because that wasn't my intention. just offering my perspective as someone who is going through a tough time, too.
you're a nice guy, leroy, and i'll keep you in my prayers that everything works out for the best.
*hugs*
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08/19/2006 06:36:46 PM · #108 |
Originally posted by sher9204:
leroy, may i ask how long she was married?
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15 years, I belive.
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08/19/2006 07:12:04 PM · #109 |
Originally posted by sher9204:
i have to say that i don't get the huge warning flags about her character or her motives that everyone else seems to be getting. |
Just on the off chance that you're including my message in that category, let me be perfectly clear that I do not have anywhere enough information to impugn her "character" or her "motives", nor do I mean to do so. I'm sure she's a wonderful woman because Leroy wouldn't be committed to her if she wasn't.
BUT, from my own experience, I can caution that friendship and expedience can lead to becoming enmired in a situation that's not in anyone's best interests except, perhaps, financially.
It's like I said earlier; it's entirely possible that she needed help, he gave it, the kids are emotionally committed, and she feels like she's been backed into a corner. That's quite possibly the real meaning of her "that's sweet" rejoinder to Leroy's "I love you."
Let's be realistic; in the real world people are all the time making decisions based on practical realities rather than what their heart says. Now, clearly, Leroy wants some "heart" in this relationship; my earlier comments were by way of pointing out that she may be stuck on a different tack, involving expedience. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as Leroy accepts it. But based on his earliest post, he wants more.
He can continue on the path he is on now, and hope that expedience will grow into love (sometimes it does), or he can look at the big picture and say the odds are against this (because they are). I can't advise on that, I really can't. But I've been in a similar position and I have reported my results. I'm almost 60 years old and I'm alone, after a mid-life, 15-year commitment that came to nothing. I don't like thinking of what my life is gonna be like 10 years from now, or 20 years from now. Especially (God forbid) if I lose my sight...
Robt.
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08/19/2006 07:20:25 PM · #110 |
All I can say is that no amount of praying, wishing, wanting, desiring, dreaming, longing, is gonna make her love you.
You can wait, accept it for what it is now and don't expect anything more from her.
Personally, I think you should back off before you've emotionally invested more than you can afford.
Message edited by author 2006-08-19 19:20:59. |
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08/19/2006 07:30:47 PM · #111 |
| She just got out of a fifteen year marriage? Give her a break. |
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08/19/2006 07:32:17 PM · #112 |
Originally posted by raish:
She just got out of a fifteen year marriage? Give her a break. |
I don't want to marry her, like now or anything...I'd at least like for her to finish school for ANY of that talk comes up. That's two semesters away.
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08/19/2006 07:40:55 PM · #113 |
| I'm too tired ( it's bed time here ) to write down something useful here, but right now I just want to give you a big hug. |
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08/19/2006 08:35:05 PM · #114 |
First off, big hug. This isn't a fun place for anyone to be. Being alone is hard, and when you have that glimmer of hope that you aren't going to be alone there's the part of you that wants to grab on full force and hold on for dear life. This is even worse when you believe, right or wrong that someone can't really be attracted to you because of a defect of some sort (disability, physical appearence, weight, etc).
It's easy for most of us to say do XYZ. Any of us who've been in the situation know it's not that simple. There's so many other things tied in there.
It's taken me a long time to learn a few things. First, I can't walk into ANY relationship with the mindset that I'm going to change or fix the person. Those "fixes" are inevitably temporary. True change has to come from inside. Second, until I'm truly comfortable with ME, and I've fixed the things that bug me I'm always going to settle.
I'm worth more then that. You are worth more then that. You are a good person, you are funny as heck, and you've earned the right to have someone love you 100 percent for the person you are.
Being alone sucks. There's no getting around it. Don't let that fear of being alone and unworthy drive your decisions. Like I said earlier, you are a good person and I honestly believe there's someone out there for you who's going to love you for the amazing person you are. You do not ever need to feel that you have to settle.
I'll be thinking about you. Just remember, you are a good, valuable person. Don't be willing to settle. Reach for something better.
All my best man. |
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08/19/2006 10:53:55 PM · #115 |
Same happened to me some years back with a woman I fell head over heels with. We got physically involved but she wanted no commitment on any kind of level stating the reasons similar to what your woman friend is telling you. I hung on for about 7 years with her dating other people hoping she'd come around one day. I treated her like a queen. It never happened and I finally wisened up.
Don't let your friend walk all over you and make a fool of you. Read a small book titled: "Why Nice Guys Don't Get Laid." :) |
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08/20/2006 09:00:19 AM · #116 |
Carpooling's the only way to go. You're welcome to come ride my bus anytime. It's just not that big though.
Sorry, I'm not a lot of help on these things. I'm generally considered an emotional amoeba. |
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08/20/2006 09:07:51 AM · #117 |
| I would say that all you can do is fight even though you know you will lose; you must fight. |
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08/20/2006 10:29:27 AM · #118 |
Originally posted by blemt:
Being alone sucks. |
IMHO No it doesn't. It's great to have a relationship, but being alone does not suck.
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08/20/2006 10:51:07 AM · #119 |
Originally posted by Azrifel:
Originally posted by blemt:
Being alone sucks. |
IMHO No it doesn't. It's great to have a relationship, but being alone does not suck. |
i agree. there's 2 sides of the coin, i enjoy independance.
just don't tell my next girlfriend that.
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08/20/2006 10:55:39 AM · #120 |
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
If you really love someone and they can't seem to understand that or for some reason can't accept it, what do you do?
Do you fight for them? Do everything you can and hope they will accept it? Or what?
Help! |
Let it be and sing or take pictures. There's no better condition to make something of.
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08/20/2006 11:55:13 AM · #121 |
I used to enjoy independence and being free to play with whom I pleased, but I grew tired of that. Ofcourse, when I was a bartender that whole gig was a lot easier than being in a relationship.
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08/20/2006 12:18:39 PM · #122 |
Originally posted by Azrifel:
Originally posted by blemt:
Being alone sucks. |
IMHO No it doesn't. It's great to have a relationship, but being alone does not suck. |
The only time it sucks is if you don't enjoy your own company. |
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08/21/2006 05:14:38 PM · #123 |
Ijust want to let you guys know that I haven't made a decision yet, but I have been able calmmyselfa bit. No sense in making any hasty decisions.
Thank you all much for the advice and prayers.
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08/21/2006 06:09:08 PM · #124 |
Leroy,
What bothers me the most (besides what you're feeling) is her response. "That's sweet" just doesn't cut it. It sounds like she doesn't care about your feelings to reply in that fashion. It's got to sting like crazy to hear that and yet she does it. Does she know it hurts? Does she care? I read what she's been through, but the response just seems really cold.
I went through a difficult period some years ago and questioned the relationship I was in. I asked the counselor I was seeing about how I would know for sure whether to stay or go. She gave me this advice, "If you feel uncomfortable or feels like there's something wrong, then there is something wrong." This was the best advice anybody ever gave me. If it sounds very simple, it is. I would follow your gut on this one.
FWIW, I left the marriage after 10 years. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. 6 years later, a good wife, 2 great kids and I couldn't be happier...
PM me if you want more info on why "love" doesn't always work, and what you should really look for to succeed with a person. No time to type it all up now.
Message edited by author 2006-08-21 18:09:43. |
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08/24/2006 03:44:57 PM · #125 |
[/whining]
Update: Well, I've decided that it's time for me to move on. I will continue to be her friend (less benefits) and start dating other people. I think she is fine with that.
Soooo, I've met this nice girl and I think we are going out very soon. Oh, and there are two more that I think dig me too.. :-)
[smiling]
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