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 08/19/2006 08:59:39 AM · #76
It sounds like you may need some time for yourself. It will give her the chance to do things on her own without your help as well.
 08/19/2006 09:11:29 AM · #77
Some sage advise from Amber's post onwards. Pay heed! Or forever pay the price.
 08/19/2006 09:51:07 AM · #78
If you showed your favorite photograph to another professional and asked them to critique it and they said, "That's nice" would you know that it wasn't?
That's what she is telling you. That's the way I'd see it anyway. I think she is just afraid of being lonely, as you are, and she's settling for what is there but hoping for something better. If she had a loving feeling in her heart, she would be able to say that and ask for the time she needs to work out the trust and commitment issues.
It hurts and I'm sad you are in the situation. Sometimes people start the physical part of the relationship to early. The emotional side of the self gets to going full speed and the logical side gets shut down before we learn that the object of our love isn't a good match for a long term relationship. It takes some couples a few years to discover the error and some people are lucky to discover it sooner.
You are a good man, Leroy, and you deserve someone that will match your passion, honesty and commitment.
 08/19/2006 10:29:06 AM · #79
I don't know you, Leroy, but I just have to say that it seems like she is using you. You do not deserve her. As much as it hurts, you probably need to let go and move on. When you meet the right woman for you, you will be so glad that you did not hang on to this one.

I know that these words are harsh but there are a lot of women who use men this way. You need someone who is as excited about you as much as you are excited about them and don't compromise and hope and wait.

There is a book that was written for women that is titled "He's Just Not That Into You". Many women hang onto men hoping, wishing and praying that the men will eventually be madly in love with them. When in fact, it is just not the right match and the man will never be in love with the woman.

Pray about it, cry out to God for guidance and know that sometimes we have tremendous grief and cannot understand why things are the way they are. Just know that there is someone for you who will be passionate about you and will want you for who you are and won't drag you along.

08/19/2006 10:40:37 AM · #80
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
Sorry for the slow response. Hard to type through tears. I guess I'm realizing I need to either grow a thicker skin or move on.

I don't like the whole moving on thing. I'm not good at it. FWIW, I've never dumped anyone. Pretty much, I've always stuck around til I got dumped.


I feel for you bro... it is tough... No dumping at this point as that might not be good for the kids that you have bonded with.

I would disguise it as (and us guys have heard this) I really need some time to find myself, step back a bit but not entirely out of the picture... be visible but out of range.

I have two friends that have gone through or are in a similar situation...

Both of the women are divorced with kids.

The one bud, I believe, really needs the physical aspect of the relationship. When he slows supporting (monetarily) the friend and the kids, the intimacy slows (or gets cut off) as well. It pangs me to watch my bud empty his pockets because he's not thinking with the right brain. As mentioned in one of the posts in this thread he is a crutch to get through a tough period.

My other bud was closer to a situation such as yours, she was not ready for a relationship. He tried over and over to make it work but just never any kind of commitment. Over time my bud really bonded with and helped the kids, giving them affection and material things their father/mother never did.

God bless helping (other peoples) children that are need but it will bring complications later should things not work out. My bud adores the children of his previous relationship and speaks of them almost as if they were his own. He still provides them with things the mother does not.

He now finds himself in a situation where "Miss Right (no children)" has come along, but she just doesn't understand the whole supporting of an ex-girl friends children...She trys not to question the motives but it sits in the back of her mind. Yet again he finds himself in an unhealthy situation that is bringing him down.

Not all relationships with these circumstances turn out this way, but this is what I have recently.

I would back off a bit. If you back off and she comes to you then there might just be something there.

Good Luck Leroy...

Andy

Message edited by author 2006-08-19 10:43:13.
 08/19/2006 10:51:54 AM · #81
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
Originally posted by Gaby_G:


AWWWWW... Marry me!!!!!



How's the weather in Mexico right now?


Weather around here is great! ;)
How are you feeling today?
 08/19/2006 11:38:23 AM · #82
Hi Leroy,

Guess I'll pitch in here; although the advice you've gotten is very good.

Thought I'd give you some perspective from her possible POV; as I've done something very similar to what she's doing (minus the kids).

To a woman who's had it that rough; a nice, safe guy is kind of hard to deal with. When you're so used to handling lots of drama, it can be confusing when it's not there. You don't know how to be, and it seems almost boring. It's like being a race car driver and then switching to a school bus. School buses are much safer and more stable, but it's just about impossilbe to switch over when your instinct is to "Gun it!". It took me a lot of self examination and therapy to understand this. And my husband is still a bit on the dangerous side. (I'm sick!)

I'm sure that's a terrible analogy; but what I'm trying to say is that it sounds like she's "wired" for a certain type of unhealthy relationship and anything else might make her feel "smothered". If this is the case, then there is nothing you can do about it. You might want to take a look at why you are attracted to women like this, though. Perhaps you are looking for someone to need you instead of someone who can be your equal?

There are lots of lonely, wonderful women out there. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate you!
 08/19/2006 11:49:19 AM · #83
Originally posted by Gaby_G:

Weather around here is great! ;)
How are you feeling today?


Still soul searching, but not so much in tears or feeling sick at the moment. I am very sleepy though.

Thank you, everyone, I've read this entire thread several times and feel there is some very heartfelt advice and love here.
 08/19/2006 12:02:33 PM · #84
.

Message edited by author 2006-08-20 01:59:25.
 08/19/2006 12:08:00 PM · #85
Leroy,

What you're describing EXACTLY parallels how I got involved with my wife some years ago, right down tot he children except there were only two of them. Deadbeat, abusive dad, no money even for food, "afraid" to "get involved", and so forth. Eventually the cash flow became so difficult I moved in with her to save rent money. Then of course we got married. Now the kids are grown up and we're not together any more. In fact, the only reason we stayed together as long as we did was I made a commitment to see the kids through HS without ANOTHER change in parental units.

Except for the kids, biggest mistake I ever made; but you can't really call anything a "mistake" when you've been so important to two growing children. But that's after the fact, you know? They aren't your job right now, and you don't really need a job, you need a relationship that fulfills you.

Everything I am reading here is sending up warning flags for me. I am seeing this as you being strung along because she, and the children, need you right now. She isn't doing it maliciously, I am sure, but it is still happening. How can she turn her back on someone who has "done so much" for her and the kids? She almost certainly feels a combination of gratitude and resentment towards you, and it is confusing for her.

You've felt that way, right? When someone digs in and really helps you, part of you is grateful and part of you resents being in the position of NEEDING help, so your emotions are very mixed.

Another parallel between our situations is that both of us are handicapped to some degree or another, and this has had its effects on our relationships with women (at least it has with me, I assume it has with you). But we're both warm, giving people, and we WANT to be "with" someone so bad it's like a NEED. Or that's how it was for me, then, anyway. I'm older now and I see things more clearly.

So, from personal experience, I can tell you this doesn't sound real good at all, unless you're truly gonna be satisfied with a long-term relationship based on how much the kids need you, and an awareness that when the kids are grown it will probably end...

Hang in there, e-mail me if you wish.

Robt.
 08/19/2006 12:13:52 PM · #86
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
If you really love someone and they can't seem to understand that or for some reason can't accept it, what do you do?

Do you fight for them? Do everything you can and hope they will accept it? Or what?

Help!


You should never have to fight to get someone to love you or for them to appreciate the love you have for them. If you have to fight for it, then it's just not something that's supposed to be.
 08/19/2006 12:16:18 PM · #87
anyway you put women are messed up. However that being said, the odds of you being able to convince her with words is going to be slim to none and IF you show her with actions it could be taken as a sign desperation which isn't good either. Be her friend but don't get into that BS "friend zone". Listen to her and talk to her and listen to her some more. Be there for her but give her the space she needs. Remember its not always what you say or do but how well you listen.

Then again what the hell do I know, I'm still single and loving every minute of it. The only hard part about being single is waking her up in the morning and asking her her name again.
 08/19/2006 12:28:57 PM · #88
Originally posted by Bear_Music:
Leroy,

What you're describing EXACTLY parallels how I got involved with my wife some years ago, right down tot he children except there were only two of them. Deadbeat, abusive dad, no money even for food, "afraid" to "get involved", and so forth. Eventually the cash flow became so difficult I moved in with her to save rent money. Then of course we got married. Now the kids are grown up and we're not together any more. In fact, the only reason we stayed together as long as we did was I made a commitment to see the kids through HS without ANOTHER change in parental units.

Except for the kids, biggest mistake I ever made; but you can't really call anything a "mistake" when you've been so important to two growing children. But that's after the fact, you know? They aren't your job right now, and you don't really need a job, you need a relationship that fulfills you.

Everything I am reading here is sending up warning flags for me. I am seeing this as you being strung along because she, and the children, need you right now. She isn't doing it maliciously, I am sure, but it is still happening. How can she turn her back on someone who has "done so much" for her and the kids? She almost certainly feels a combination of gratitude and resentment towards you, and it is confusing for her.

You've felt that way, right? When someone digs in and really helps you, part of you is grateful and part of you resents being in the position of NEEDING help, so your emotions are very mixed.

Another parallel between our situations is that both of us are handicapped to some degree or another, and this has had its effects on our relationships with women (at least it has with me, I assume it has with you). But we're both warm, giving people, and we WANT to be "with" someone so bad it's like a NEED. Or that's how it was for me, then, anyway. I'm older now and I see things more clearly.

So, from personal experience, I can tell you this doesn't sound real good at all, unless you're truly gonna be satisfied with a long-term relationship based on how much the kids need you, and an awareness that when the kids are grown it will probably end...

Hang in there, e-mail me if you wish.

Robt.


Please Leroy... THIS is THE advice you need!!!
 08/19/2006 12:50:40 PM · #89
Bear, I think your post pretty much nailed my situation to a tee. I really need to make some sort of decision about how I want to proceed.

Yeah, my handicap does limit my ability to find relationships, as I don't drive. I've pretty much met all my latest love interest online, including this one. Not sure the net is the best place to meet people anymore. Unless we are talking about a cute girl from Mexico :-)
 08/19/2006 01:02:47 PM · #90
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
Not sure the net is the best place to meet people anymore. Unless we are talking about a cute girl from Mexico :-)

Ahhh.... The Internet - where your girlfriend's name ends in '.jpg'

You didn't think I could stay serious for *that* long, did you? ;-)
 08/19/2006 01:07:35 PM · #91
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
Not sure the net is the best place to meet people anymore. Unless we are talking about a cute girl from Mexico :-)


I've met my hubby on the internet :P

did you get my pm?
 08/19/2006 01:17:08 PM · #92
Got it, Super-sweety-chicken-girl :-)
 08/19/2006 01:37:06 PM · #93
Notonline,

When you marry the right person, it is one of the most fufilling and wonderful relationships. I never want to go back to being single again.

Being single has its perks but being in a wonderful, committed realtionship with my husband is the best thing in my life.

Hang in there, Leroy.
 08/19/2006 01:47:14 PM · #94
.

Message edited by author 2006-08-20 02:01:12.
 08/19/2006 02:56:15 PM · #95
Bro I feel for you man I have been there. What Bear said is on the money.

Joseph campbell said follow your bilss.
I say life is to short to eat shi*.

Sending the positive vibes your way man!

Erick
 08/19/2006 03:26:05 PM · #96
Originally posted by Art Roflmao:
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
I need to do some objective praying tonight.

Collective praying. I'm with ya pal.


Am praying too.
 08/19/2006 05:01:11 PM · #97
Well, my wife doesn't drive either. You want to marry us and we can have a threesome? *grin* Heck, I drive a commuter bus for a living, you'd get free rides. *double grin*

Seriously, Bear's post is the best advice.

Prayers are directed your way. {{{{Manly hug}}}} *sticking a piece of cheese on your shoulder when you're not looking*
 08/19/2006 05:03:31 PM · #98
Originally posted by NathanW:
Well, my wife doesn't drive either. You want to marry us and we can have a threesome? *grin*


You are speaking about the carpool right? ;-) hehe
 08/19/2006 05:22:26 PM · #99
What would Humphrey Bogart say/do?
 08/19/2006 05:40:37 PM · #100
Bogart divorced his wife and married his babe 2 years later. and they lived happily ever after(until he died)
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