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11/19/2005 10:08:45 PM · #26 |
Originally posted by laurielblack:
Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there. |
WINNER!! Made me laugh out loud. |
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11/19/2005 10:09:41 PM · #27 |
I read this today. It's mean but funny:
Yo Momma is so fat my ears popped when I climbed on top of her.
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11/19/2005 10:10:54 PM · #28 |
that was pretty dang funny laurie, mostly because it's so true.
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11/19/2005 10:26:51 PM · #29 |
What do you call a guy laying in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do you call him 2 weeks later?
Pete
What do you call a guy that hangs on a wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs floating in the water?
Bob
What do you call him when he ski's?
Skip
Oh the childhood jokes. |
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11/19/2005 10:28:07 PM · #30 |
The Strip Club
Dave works hard at the office and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every cuss word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real b**ch this time".
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11/19/2005 10:31:11 PM · #31 |
Originally posted by laurielblack:
The Strip Club
Dave works hard at the office and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every cuss word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real b**ch this time". |
LOL thats funny |
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11/19/2005 10:31:17 PM · #32 |
It's two kids on chrismas night. When 0:00 rings, these children runs to the trees for their gifts. One look at his gift and says :
- Haha, I have more gift than you !
the other kid reply:
- Haha, but it's not me that has cancer !
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11/20/2005 12:27:39 AM · #33 |
Two antennas got married, the wedding sucked but the reception was great..
Two canibals were eating a clown, one said to the other " Does this taste funny?"
A dislexic walked into a bra... out loud....
These you have to say
What do you call a deer with no eyes....
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
What do you call a deer that has been castrated has no legs and no eyes
Still no fucking idea..... |
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11/20/2005 12:46:58 AM · #34 |
There was this bar that had a contest. Put ten bucks in the bowl and make the horse out back laugh. Nobody could do it for the past year or so. This guy comes in and reads the sign, puts ten bucks in go back and 5 min later the horse is laughing out of control. So the man collected his winnings drank a beer and left. Months went by and there was a new contest, for ten bucks make the horse cry. He was still laughing from the other contest. So the guy that made the horse laugh walks in the door. The bartender says hey now you need to make the horse cry. So the guy says ok , puts in ten bucks, goes in back and 5 min later he comes out and the horse is crying his eyes out. The bartender says hey how did you do both soo easy? The guy says well, the first time I told him I had a bigger hot dog then he did ....this time I showed him.
Message edited by author 2005-11-20 10:29:29. |
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12/06/2005 11:23:14 AM · #35 |
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat... He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said "try these on" So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them". So I replied, "...Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon he said to his wife "try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me.. "So Jack says,"...Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says,"Here you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says, "...Exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will.
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12/06/2005 11:48:45 AM · #36 |
The man in the mail office is sorting the mail.
He picks out a letter addressed to Santa Claus, North Pole.
On opening the letter the man reads
" Dear Santa, You know times are hard, and as an old pensioner who has fell on hard times,do you think you could find you way clear to send me £20 so that I can buy the grandkids something for Xmas"
The man tells all the other workers and they club together and collect £12, which they send to the old man.
One week later the same man is sorting the mail and sees a letter in the same handwriting addressed to Santa, North Pole..
It reads
" Dear Santa, thanks for the money you sent, but next time do you think you could deliver it personally, as I think the people working in the mail office have stolen £8"
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12/06/2005 12:14:30 PM · #37 |
Originally posted by laurielblack:
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat... He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said "try these on" So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them". So I replied, "...Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon he said to his wife "try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me.. "So Jack says,"...Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says,"Here you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says, "...Exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will. |
A couple had just entered their second marriage and since neither of their first marriages went very well they decided on their honeymoon to make some ground rules to live by. After she named a few it was his turn, to which he came up with. "It was hard to tell when my previous wife was in the mood for sex, so when we go to bed at night I want you to hold my "hot dog" and if you are in the mood for sex, just give it a gentle tug to let me know. And if your not in the mood, just give it a couple hundred gentle tugs".
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12/06/2005 12:26:02 PM · #38 |
Working for a Living
A heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family̢۪s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew gems-in-the-rough, all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I̢۪ve been working with a crew building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"
She replied "I will if those useless sons of bitches at the lumber yard ever bring us any drywall that̢۪s worth a s&*t."
www.liggit.com
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12/06/2005 01:03:03 PM · #39 |
Article on world's funniest joke.
My favorite (or a close variation thereof):
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.
"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!" |
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12/06/2005 01:23:47 PM · #40 |
Did you hear the one about the long-sighted circumciser???
he got the sack |
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12/06/2005 01:50:25 PM · #41 |
Nah. The world's funniest joke was buried a long time ago. |
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12/06/2005 02:51:46 PM · #42 |
Guy's in a bar with a bunch of friends at a table. They are talking animatedly, making a lot of noise, generally romping it up. Bartender's watching them when one of them gets up and ambles over, says "Buddy, I got a proposition for you!"
"What's that?" says the bartender.
Guy pulls out a c-note and says, "I'll bet you 100 bucks I can stand on top of the bar right here and pee into that mixer jar over there, fill it up without spilling a drop on the bar."
Bartender says, "You gotta be kidding me! That blender's SIX FEET from here!"
Guy says, "I know! But I can do it! Here's a hundred bucks says I can do it!" and he holds out the bill.
Bartender sighs, shakes his head, helps the guy climb up on the bar. Guy unzips, pulls out his dick, and starts peeing all over the bar. Pee's going everywhere BUT into the blender jar.
Bartender watches dumbfounded as the guy reholsters, zips up, and hops down with a grin on his face. Says, as he starts cleaning up, "Man, that's the easiest hundred I ever made! What are YOU smiling for, anyway?"
Guy says, "'Cuz I just made 400 bucks! I bet my buddies 500 dollars I could pee all over your bar without your yelling at me!"
Robt.
Message edited by author 2005-12-06 14:52:40. |
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12/06/2005 08:38:20 PM · #43 |
Originally posted by cheekymunky:
Did you hear the one about the long-sighted circumciser???
he got the sack |
Did you hear about the Rabbi who gave discount circumcisions?
He only took tips.
drg
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12/06/2005 08:39:49 PM · #44 |
Originally posted by cheekymunky:
Did you hear the one about the long-sighted circumciser???
he got the sack |
Did you hear about the Rabbi who gave discount circumcisions?
He only took tips.
drg |
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12/06/2005 09:05:24 PM · #45 |
Originally posted by drgsoell:
Originally posted by cheekymunky:
Did you hear the one about the long-sighted circumciser???
he got the sack |
Did you hear about the Rabbi who gave discount circumcisions?
He only took tips.
drg |
Wonder if that is the the same Rabbi from this joke?
A Rabbi kept "the tips" his entire life and when he retired he took the large jar of them to a taxidermist and asked him to make something out of them, the taxidermist said to come back in a couple weeks.
When the Rabbi returned the taxidermist handed him a very small wallet. The Rabbi was confused. "Is this all you could make out of all those skins?" he asked.
The taxidermist took back the wallet and said "well it may not look like much, but look...when you rub it you get a 4 piece luggage set complete with wardrobe bag."
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12/06/2005 11:02:31 PM · #46 |
Originally posted by wavelength:
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club." |
Ouch! |
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12/06/2005 11:07:05 PM · #47 |
| Did you hear the one about the head swimming down stream singing "I ain't got no body"? |
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12/06/2005 11:45:22 PM · #48 |
I heard Barnum Bailey was hireing for the position of elephant circumcisor.
The pay's not great, but the tips are big.
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