WARNING! Crude (but hysterical) humor...

Pentax DA 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 AF

08/14/2005 07:09:11 PM · #1

I received this joke via e-mail tonight and thought it was so funny, I just had to share it...

Two nuns, Sister Lynda and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick! !" shouts Sister Lynda. "What shall we do?"

"Switch the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Lynda switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do Now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Lynda turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams and the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Lynda.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Lynda. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

saracat

Pentax K10D

08/14/2005 07:10:32 PM · #2

*rolls eyes and shakes head*
Veeery funny...

khdoss

Nikon D300

Sigma 30mm f/1.4 EX DC HSM for Nikon

08/14/2005 07:14:14 PM · #3

snicker...
missing that update button huh... =)

ergo

08/14/2005 07:16:39 PM · #4

This was good. Thanks, and keep em coming. Maybe we should start a jokes thread :)

Canon EF-S 10-22mm f/3.5-4.5 USM

08/14/2005 07:25:08 PM · #5

Originally posted by khdoss:

snicker...
missing that update button huh... =)

YES!!! I'm dying here... I can't wait until midnight so I can start clicking again! ROFL

digitalpins

Canon EOS-60D

08/14/2005 07:34:36 PM · #6

lol that was a goodone

DanSig

08/14/2005 07:38:36 PM · #7

here's one.. the spelling is probably bad, but I had to translate it from Icelandic..

A young man was shopping at Wal-Mart, when he was picking out a fresh chicken for dinner a beautiful woman standing by the cooler waives at him and smiled, he became a little embarrased but walked over to her and asked if they knew eachother " yes I think you are the father of one of my child" she said.
the man blushed and became very uneasy and started to studder..
"are you the stripper from Dirty Sluts that I banged at my Batchelor party in front of all my friends and sprayed whipped cream over while you shoved a cucumber up my ass ?.. oh my god.. I didn't recognise you"

the woman answered without changing the expression on her face.." No I am your son's teacher"

Mattel Barbie Photo Designer Digital Camera

08/14/2005 07:42:19 PM · #8

ROFLMAO - Good one!

4score

Nikon D80

08/14/2005 07:50:15 PM · #9

Well, not a joke, but hilarious to watch!

//www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/dancing-roommate-p1.php

nsbca7

08/14/2005 09:17:15 PM · #10

A young man was shopping at Wal-Mart and as he was picking out a fresh chicken for dinner a beautiful woman standing by the cooler waived at him and smiled. He became a little embarrassed but walked over to her and asked if they knew each other. "Yes, I think you are the father of one of my children" she said.
The man blushed and became very uneasy and started to stutter.
"Are you the stripper from Dirty Sluts that I banged at my bachelor party in front of all my friends and sprayed whipped cream over while you shoved a cucumber up my ass?.. Oh my god.. I didn't recognize you"

The woman answered without changing the expression on her face." No I am your son's teacher."

You did a pretty good job with the translation, but slight corrections for American English.

Funny joke too.

David Ey

Nikon D80

Nikon AF Micro-Nikkor 60mm f2.8D

08/14/2005 10:16:48 PM · #11

the funny place.org

RayEthier

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

Canon EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 USM

08/14/2005 10:19:28 PM · #12

These two nuns were pedalling their bikes on the back streets of Rome, when the novice nun said to the Mother Superior ..."I've never come this way before!!!"

The Mother Superior smiled at the novice nun and answered: "It's the cobblestones... My dear"

alanbataar

Canon EOS-400D Rebel XTi

Lensbaby 1.0 (The Original)

08/14/2005 11:52:20 PM · #13

OK, since this seems to be a thread dominated by nun jokes...

Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a man sneaks up behind them and shouts loudly just as he exposes himself to the nuns.

The first nun gasps, and has a stroke.

The second nun groans, and has a stroke as well.

The third nun cries, and doesn't have a stroke because her arms are too short.

Intelli

Nikon D300

Nikon AF-S DX Zoom Nikkor 17-55mm f/2.8G IF-ED

08/14/2005 11:58:23 PM · #14

lol alan that's bad

sher

Canon EOS-300D Rebel

Tamron AF 28-300mm f/3.5-6.3 XR Di LD Aspherical IF for Canon

08/15/2005 12:29:43 AM · #15

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father.

While her dad gets his hair cut, she stands right
next to the barber chair, eating a Hostess snack cake.

The barber says to her, "You know, sweetheart, you're
gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs too."

taterbug

Nikon D300

Nikon AF Nikkor 50mm f/1.4D

08/15/2005 01:01:37 AM · #16

An old senior couple, John and Martha have their anniversary. They decide to relive the old days and go stay at the hotel where they spent their honeymoon years ago. John is in the bathroom, and Martha starts thinking, "I wonder if I can still put my legs back on the headboard like the old days?" So she struggles and finally gets one foot wedged back on the headboard, and then the other, so there she is, legs stuck back up over her head on the bed. John shuffles out of the bathroom, looks at the bed and says "For gosh sakes Martha, you could at least comb your hair and put your teeth back in..."

Canon EF-S 10-22mm f/3.5-4.5 USM

08/15/2005 04:10:58 PM · #17

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father, "what have I done!" He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi."

They explained their problem to the Rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the Rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the voice "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."

MikeO

Fujifilm x100

08/15/2005 04:19:10 PM · #18

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window, 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs **it middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind'...

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".' 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I f*cking wrote it!!!'

digitalpins

Canon EOS-60D

08/15/2005 04:29:43 PM · #19

Here is one I just heard dont know if you guys/girls have heard this one before but here you go....

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course, when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you?  My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.  Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said.  "Here are my tools," reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend. "Can I take a look?  I think I might be able to see my house from here."  So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.  I can see right in the window.  Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.   Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!  Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......  He's naked, too!!!  That B!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife.   She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor.   He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his _______ off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took aim with the rifle, but just stood there perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

frychikn

Olympus C-5050Z

08/15/2005 09:43:41 PM · #20

A young boy asks his father to explain the 'facts of life' to him. The father is no good at explaining that sort of thing so he hands the boy $100 and gives him the address of the local whorehouse. He tells the kid, "you go to this address, give the lady the $100, and she will teach you everything you need to know about the "facts of life".

On the way there, the kid runs into his grandmother, who asks him where he is going. He says "My father sent me to this address to pay a lady $100 to teach me about the facts of life".

The grandmother says "I tell you what, you give me $50, I'll teach you about the facts of life, you can keep the other $50 and your father will never know the difference". He agreed, went home with his grandmother, and they did just that.

Later that day, however, the kid's conscience bothers him, so he ends up confessing everything to his father. Smoke comes out of the father's ears as he says to his son "You fucked my mother! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!".

The kid says "Well why not, you fuck mine all the time, don't you?"

elderell

Fujifilm FinePix S5000 Z

08/16/2005 11:42:32 AM · #21

Speaking of Nuns... Two young nuns decide to take a shortcut through the park on their way back to the Convent one night..Suddenly two men burst out of the shadows and pull the nuns behind some bushes..You hear some rustling,and then you hear one nun praying very loudly,"Forgive him,Father,for he knows not what he is doing.." A few seconds pass,then the other nun blurts out: "MINE DOES !!"

The Eskimo

Nikon D3s

Nikon AF Zoom-Nikkor 70-300mm f/4.0-5.6D ED

08/16/2005 11:59:17 AM · #22

Sister Mary Katherine, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun
was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into h! er tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.''

08/16/2005 03:29:32 PM · #23

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked there's a knock at the door. The nun calls: "Who is it?" a voice answers: "A blind man". The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says: "Well hello there ma'am, and can I sell you some blinds?"

bah-dum-bump

It was Friday,and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off.They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,"Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies,"OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

bah-dum-bump (Last one for today...)

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."

08/16/2005 03:41:07 PM · #24

Sorry - ran across one more nun joke that I wanted to share...

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"