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05/27/2005 11:16:31 AM · #1 |
Many circumstances arise throughout the course of life that aren’t necessarily ideal, but we live with them anyway. We tend to accept them and continue on, mostly out of fear of change, or simply out of habit. We become comfortable and complacent, accepting whatever goes on, even when we know that in our hearts and souls (and sometimes even in our minds) that it isn’t right…it’s just what is necessary. I’ve been guilty of this many times, and for many years. I know that you probably have, at least on some level, as well. Sometimes I think women tend to do this more than men, mostly because of how we are socialized as little girls, and how society more or less expects us to act (I’m not bashing either sex here, just making an observation). I did well in school, because that was what was expected of me. I went to college and received two degrees, because that was what was expected of me. I married, had three beautiful children, and became a supermom/superwife/superworker, because that was what was expected of me. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become a bit more forthright in expressing my needs, and as such, have made a life-altering decision that will allow me to work on becoming who I want to be, rather than who everyone else wants me to be.
After almost 15 years of marriage, I have reached the difficult decision that it will be best, both for me and for my children, to end our relationship. We had at least ten wonderful, blissful, happy years together, and not-quite five that have been, in a word, unpleasant. Some of this is due to circumstances beyond our control, but much of it is due to some very serious issues that have created an unsafe environment, for me and for the boys. I must put us first, and with that, do something I swore I would never do. I imagine in the days, weeks, and months to come, I will be doing a lot more things that I thought I would never do as well, but I look forward to the challenges ahead of me. I embrace the opportunities to be ME, rather than just someone’s wife, someone’s employee, and even at times, someone’s mother (I hope you understand what I mean by that… I love my children dearly).
You might wonder why I’m telling you this. I know that this may come as a surprise or even as a shock to some of you, but since I consider you my other “family” I wanted to share with you this important news about my life. I plan on taking more chances, embracing changes, and celebrating life in a new way from now on. I have been, in a sense, spinning my wheels for a long time. Now, it’s time to put it in gear and go places.
So far, we have (and plan to continue to do so) been very open and flexible about all the issues that surround the divorce, including filing together, signing all necessary paperwork together, and we will both attend court on July 11 together. We have been surprisingly communicative…almost better than we were before I filed. I hope and pray that we remain friends, especially for the sake of our children. They are taking it as well as can be expected, and I am enlisting the help of many friends and professionals alike to guide us through the transitions ahead so that the children come through this with relatively few battle scars.
So there you have it. This is a catharsis of sorts for me, because saying it “out loud” makes it more real, more concrete. I would appreciate your support during this time, because just knowing that others have been through this before and lived to tell about it makes me feel a little better. Thanks for being my online family and friends.
BTW… Star Wars had relatively little to do with my decision…just in case you were wondering. ;o)
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05/27/2005 11:20:33 AM · #2 |
| i only hope that this all leads to the piece of mind and heart you are looking for...although i have never been in this situation i know that with any tough decision the hardest part is making it...may you and your husband and children find the peace you deserve and the happiness that will follow knowing that you are both doing what is best for all |
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05/27/2005 11:23:15 AM · #3 |
Good luck, and best wishes on your new life!
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05/27/2005 11:23:24 AM · #4 |
| Only you know what is best for you listen with your heart and see where it takes you. Good luck in your new life. |
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05/27/2005 11:26:19 AM · #5 |
Those of us who consider you family will support you in what ever decisions you make. I am hoping this will give you some peace of mind and allow your smile to emerge once again. We love you Laurie.
Barbara
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05/27/2005 11:29:33 AM · #6 |
I couldn't have said it better Barb!
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05/27/2005 11:30:02 AM · #7 |
I sincerely hope everything works out for the best for you & your boys. I know it's not going to be easy, but somehow think you will make this work out, in the best way possible.
Just wanted to extend a hug and wish you the best. |
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05/27/2005 11:31:39 AM · #8 |
Laurie,
It takes great courage to do what you are doing. The DPC community is with you, 110%.
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05/27/2005 11:39:54 AM · #9 |
Laurie,
I have known you for a few months now just through here and the chat. I know you will do everything right. You are a great woman and I admire you. To me you are like a sister. It is very good that you and your husband are being polite and civil to each other not only for the kids sake but for your own. If there is anything I can do for you just e-mail me. I am behind you also 110%. Much love to you.
James
Edit: to take out my signature below.
Message edited by author 2005-05-27 14:33:25. |
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05/27/2005 11:43:34 AM · #10 |
Laurie, you are one of the sweetest, strongest people I have ever come to know. I know that you will have the strength to make a new happy life for yourself. Keep those kiddos close. Give them lots of hugs, and show them your brilliant smile as often as possible. I will be thinking of you.
drake |
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05/27/2005 11:51:41 AM · #11 |
Laurie, It takes someone that's very strong to do what you've done, to make the decisions you've made and to carry your boys through what may be some confusing, sometimes difficult moments to come. I've had to make some hard decisions in my past, things that HAD to be changed and only good things have come of it. I'm definetly not saying it was easy by any means to get to this point, but it was well worth it in the end. My heart and thoughts are with you and from what little I know of you, I believe you have the courage, strength and tenacity to get through this. Stay strong, smile often (even when it's hard to do) and give and get lots of hugs and kisses from those sweet boys of yours.
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05/27/2005 12:00:55 PM · #12 |
First off I wish every one of you the best. I don’t know the details that cause a bliss marriage to fall into disarray but it seems to be a mutual separation [divorce]. It will not be a new life, but the same life with different circumstances and issues and I wish you the best in that. All I can say is do what your heart and soul tells you that is best, for you and your children along with you soon to be X-husband. Only you know the full details and the final decision has to derive from those experiences.
Best of luck and my God bless you and your family.
Message edited by author 2005-05-27 15:02:02.
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05/27/2005 12:02:30 PM · #13 |
Not that it will affect me either way but to avoid being on Jerry Springer I offer his as a suggestion. Don't keep introducing your kids to guys your dating as it WILL confuse them later in life. Only introduce them FIRST as a friend and then second not until you've known that person for like 6-8 months. As for your kids, never stop them from seeing their father but make them see the truth about ALL situations (usually later in life i.e. 15+yrs old). Good luck to you and your kids, I know it will be hard for them as I went thru it as a kid and no thats NOT the reason I'm like this today lol.
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05/27/2005 12:02:52 PM · #14 |
Good luck with everything you do .. I know you'll get through this :)
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05/27/2005 12:26:09 PM · #15 |
| peace be with you, laurie, and your family. |
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05/27/2005 12:32:36 PM · #16 |
I totally understand where you are coming from Laurie, after 15 years of marriage (no kids) I too made the decision that I was in a unperfect (if there is such a thing) relationship and we divorced mostly civil. We went to counceling before the divorce and I realized that it was also the way I was raised that caused me to live the way I lived. I was always taught to take care of your wife (that is a good thing don't get me wrong) no matter what, through thick and thin, in sickness and health (many years of sickness by the way), but it was all done at what I feel was a cost to my feelings and wants.
I never felt like I had a say in our relationship, she was older and educated much higher (as I'm sure you can tell by my spelling ;) )and I always felt lesser than her. We have both since moved on and I am remarried to a wonderful woman who is also divorced from a very similar situation with the most wonderful daughter in the world (no really she is).
While I feel a lot probably could have been worked out I do feel that I married too early in life and there was not enough communication between us in our wants and desires. I am glad to see that you and your soon to be ex are having a good repore, some people are better as friends then as spouses.
Keep your chin (and camera lens) up, you're on the right track and you've got lots of people behind you.
God bless you in this difficult time.
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05/27/2005 02:18:38 PM · #17 |
I wish you all the very best Laurie and hope everything transpires as you would want it to.
Paul. |
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05/27/2005 02:30:50 PM · #18 |
Wow, very heavy. Hard time for you and all concerned. I'm sure you've had some sleepless nights.
I wish you all the best in the world.
Chin up, courage, keep looking forward and love to you and your family.
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05/27/2005 02:50:24 PM · #19 |
I really appreciate the support I get from this community. It makes dealing with tough things just a little bit easier, knowing I don't have to do this completely alone. Thanks so much. :o)
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05/27/2005 02:51:31 PM · #20 |
I'm sorry to hear this Laurie, I know you're going through a terribly hard time right now, but I am glad to hear that you are finally doing the right thing-
Not what is expected of you, but what your heart tells you, that is very hard.. To move out of everyone's expectations.. Like walking against the stream at times, but know you are not alone... Many are walking this path..
Don't be afraid, life is a gift to be enjoyed each moment. |
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05/27/2005 02:59:19 PM · #21 |
Laurie,
Strength and grace in adversity is what I call virtue. You've got it in spades!
Lots of love to you,
Pam
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05/27/2005 03:09:36 PM · #22 |
Laurie,
I have mixed emotions because I know sometimes marriage does end this way and it seems you've given it a great deal of thought. On the other hand, I do hope you've tried counseling and a few other avenues of reconciliation before coming to your decision. If you are a spiritual person, I hope you find some guidance and peace in prayer. You certainly know you have our support and love here.
Judy |
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05/27/2005 03:23:27 PM · #23 |
Wow. A solemn wow, that is. Very sorry to hear - but glad you are looking forward to the future. Like others here, I am a fervent believer in obligation to family - especially to the children - but realize that our best efforts still sometimes fall short in making things work out.
Since we're sharing intimate details - - I got married when I was 18. That lasted 6 years and she wanted to have children and I knew once that happened, there is no going back and we still had a high school type of relationship, which had to change first. That didn't happen and we divorced - no major hostilities - and no children to be affected. A couple years later I met my current wife - but she was married and had just left her husband at the time and had 3 very small children in tow. Her husband was a bit older, abusive, alcoholic, derelict. Anyway - I had a SERIOUS choice to make now - if I marry her, I have an instant family with 3 children to raise and if I want my own (which I did), that makes it no less than four. Obviously I decided to go for it - I loved all the kids and have raised them as my own. We had our own son, 5 years later. I never stopped the other kids' father from seeing them, but he lost interest almost immediately. He doesn't pay child support and would pop up every 5 years or so, but never a birthday or Christmas remembered for his kids. On the surface it seemed that his presence (almost non-existence) didn't matter - we were always a family as far as they are concerned. That changed in their teen years. That is when the effects really hit them.
Anyway, I'll save the rest of the story for some other time. I know kids can endure many things, but split parents is one of the most devastating. I pray you and your soon-to-be-ex continue to put the kids first and work together to raise them without hostility.
As for you, everyone here agrees (myself included) that you will do fine. Just keep smiling and clicking and don't go back to working for DQ! LOL
Your brother from another mother,
-Ken
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05/27/2005 03:38:37 PM · #24 |
Laurie, that is sad to hear, but as has been pointed out, you are a strong person and will get through it. It does sound like your head and heart is in the right place.
I know it is very hard, I too went through a divorce after 10 years with 2 children some time ago. It took me some time to come to terms with it, but I ended up remarrying the girl that I should have been with in the first place (but that is another story).
Anyways, if you need, or just want someone to talk to, or just unload on who shares a perspective of similar experiences, I am there, feel totally free to pm me anytime.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Best of luck.
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05/27/2005 03:58:28 PM · #25 |
Good luck Laurie. I don't know what it's like from personal experience (hubby and I have been together 6.5 years and no end in sight), but I watched my parents' relationship fall apart when I was 7, and my Dad got divorced from his wife of 25 years just last year. In both cases there was a lot of reasons, but mainly it was due to a lack of communication throughout the relationship (actually in my parents' case it might have had a lot to do with them being kids at the time, not yet finished becoming grown ups).
I'm glad you've made the decision to do what's right for you and your kids. I hope married couples reading this will remember that the most important thing you can do to protect your marriage is always talk to your spouse about how you're feeling and how they're feeling and about what's going on. |
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