i need someone to talk to - DPChallenge Forums

Nikon AF-S Nikkor 24-120mm f/4G ED VR

03/29/2005 12:02:57 AM · #26

Originally posted by nsbca7:

I see this all the time. It is all around me almost every day. Half of my child models are in a similar situation. Perhaps that is why they make such good models, because they have seen so much. I never know what to do. So I treat the kids as well as I can when they are around and I try to give their moms or dads subtle parenting advise when I can. What more can I do? If you demand that the child is treated better or offend the parent what good have you done? You never get to see the child again and then you have absolutely no say or influence.

Calling the authorities is no option unless loss of life is imminent or brutal beatings are taking place, because where the child may end up could be a very much worse place then where he or she is now. At least it is not an option where I live.

And then I try to look at the brighter side. I was raised pretty rough and pretty wild and I think even though I am still a little rough around the edges I turned out OK. Iâ��m happy.

thanks for your input. If he has to be taken from his mum i would rather he lived with one of us. But the risk is that he wont if i go through with my call. I think i need to be more involved in his life than what i already am. I need to make him a priority when i can. Plus also for her, i think she is seriously lacking in parenting skills and maybe it is something i can teach her. I think so far my kids have turned out to be great individuals.

Ozzie

Nikon D90

03/29/2005 12:07:48 AM · #27

As a fellow Aussie, I feel for you. Have you spoken to his mother about taking him for a weekend for a break? Have you been able to discuss any of this with her? It's not so easy when she is on the defensive.

Good luck with whatever happens.

MAK

Leica M Monochrom

Leica 18-56mm f/3.5-5.6 Vario Elmar-T ASPH

03/29/2005 12:08:50 AM · #28

Maybe the sister has issues and needs help herself too, in some cases the 'lack of care' sometimes goes WAY deeper than we first imagine but I would suggest firstly to get the child away from the current situation and then it will not only be very helpful to the child but will also give the mother a chance to STEP BACK and look at her life too, you MAY be surprised at the result. FIRST concern HAS to be the child.

You MUST call. hope this helps.

magicshutter

Nikon D70

Nikon AF Nikkor 50mm f/1.8D

03/29/2005 12:10:31 AM · #29

Originally posted by lentil:

his mum gets really defensive when anything is brought up about him. his dad is not on the scene, and beleive me that is a good thing. As much as i like having him, my kids suffer when he is around. i just dont know what to do

Lentil,

I'm not going to suggest you call anyone except the person in question. Child protective services will only take him from EVERYONE in your family,, at least in america.

I think confrontation is the only way.. It's plain and simple, some people have no idea how to be parents. Sometimes they need to be shown the correct path. I think your concern is wonderful and might be used to show the actual parent what love means. You said yourself that she has a history of mental illness, that alone should tell you something.
I say speak up, for the child's sake as well as your own. Give her some advice on how to be a better provider.

edit: I work in a portrait studio as well, and unfortunately see the same things you see every day. It's also unfortunate that I'm not able to tell these parents exactly what I think of their tactics when their child won't 'smile'.

Message edited by author 2005-03-29 00:11:55.

Mattel Barbie Photo Designer Digital Camera

03/29/2005 12:12:19 AM · #30

the mother most certainly needs help. She has been in a mental insitution before for phychosis. (sp?) her issues run deep, she has been offered free counselling again and again but wont take it.

In answer to you heatherd, i would take him for the weekend and i know she would love that. She cant stand having him around. I just worry what she will get up to while he is gone. Like today he is a preschool, she was off drinking. It is a Tuesday for crying out loud, no occasion... just because

nsbca7

03/29/2005 12:19:53 AM · #31

Originally posted by lentil:

Ask her. Maybe she will give you the kid if you are truely ready for that. It would have to be a better option then turning them over to the authorities and haveing him sent to some godless boarding home.

Canon EF-S 17-55mm f/2.8 IS USM

03/29/2005 12:22:11 AM · #32

i am going to talk to her tomorrow, will let you know what she says

jpochard

Canon EOS-40D

03/29/2005 12:50:12 AM · #33

Tough situation, very similar to my own at the moment. I don't think there is verbal abuse or physical with my nephew's kids...just no real parenting at all. The boy is 5 and the girl is 3. The little boy isn't even potty trained yet. No teaching of abc's and such, no bedtime, no story books...just feed and clothe and tons of toys and tv. Your situation sounds worse, but it's difficult to deal with someone else's parenting skills.

One thing I might suggest. I don't know the ages of your own children. I know you mentioned your concern for them around this 3yr. old boy. If your children are old enough at all to talk to, and you end up with this boy more often in your care or living with you - discuss it with your kids in a way they will understand. Involve them in showing this boy the love he needs. A frank discussion with them about his behaviors and needs might teach them a lot about helping others and let them know you're still loving them and care about their needs too.

Olyuzi

Panasonic Lumix DMC-GX7

Panasonic Lumix G 14mm F2.5 ASPH

03/29/2005 02:18:05 AM · #34

Be the mother's friend...gain her trust and confidence...offer her help for any situation which she may feel overwhelmed by or out of control in...encourage her to seek you out for help...tell her about your own childhood and issues with neglect and abuse, but don't lead her to believe it's for the purpose of criticizing her parenting. Be positive with the mother and show her her strong points. When she does something that you dislike, ask her how she thinks her son feels...If you want to include her son in your family, then you will have to include the mother as well...make her a part of the family as well and make her feel loved too...Only then can you truly help both the mother and her son. I'm not convinced that isolating either is truly an answer. It's a great undertaking...good luck.

Canon EF 100mm f/2.8 USM Macro

03/29/2005 02:27:27 AM · #35

thanks olyuzi,
i do beleive the mum to have low self esteem issues. She tells everyone that she is a slack mum. I am struggling with trying to be close to her, i find it a real challenge. Dont get me wrong we get along great, i always tell her i love her and her son. It is just i am fighting my own demons here too and that is what i find hardest. Deciding what is my problem or hers. My husband is going over tonight to "catch up" and just do a unexpected check up on her. We'll see how she is doing. Thanks for your concern
Lisa

Alexys

Canon EOS-300D Rebel

03/29/2005 02:34:48 AM · #36

My poor English doesnÂ´t allow me to explain my thoughts clearly, so Good luck!

tristalisk

Canon EOS-350D Rebel XT

Canon EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6

03/29/2005 08:25:26 AM · #37

I was unlucky enough to be on the childs end of this while growing up. I was moved from family member to family member. My mother was at the time a heavy user of drugs. My mother was not abusive but her fiancee was. My sister two brothers and myself were beaten pretty much daily. We were bruised and had become withdrawn from the rest of the world. My mothers family called child protective services attempting to do what they felt was the best for me. I was then given to a foster home along with my brothers. My sister was given to one of my aunts. While in the home I was very hostile towards any parental or authority figure. I had placed the blame on them that I had left my family. I would break out and run away. During this time I started dinking and smoking. I was usualy caught and returned to a foster home within a few weeks. No matter how nice the foster parents had been to me I would always treat them in an angry and disrespectfull manner. Several years later my abusive father gained cusody of me and my brothers. My mother and him had separated. His new wife and three news kids were now a part of my family. The abuse continued. This time however it was worse. My mother was no longer there to defend us. His new wife had proved to be equaly abusive. She had at one time stuck my hand in a frying pan to prove it was hot. She went into phyciatric care for a while after family services had heard of the incedent from the school. Shortly after her return my youngest brother was born. Several months after his birth he passed away. She accused me of suffocating him in his sleep. I suppose this was revenge for me putting her in the clinic. I was then returned back into foster care. My mother came to visit me around a year later. She was given permision to take me to a park for lunch. Soon we were runaways heading out of state. I lived with her for several more years until I was around fifteen or so.Although she wasn't drug free it was not an abusive environment. She then tried to pull me out of school. I can't say I blame her much I was cought selling drugs and vandalizing school property. I then asked I local man I had been doing yard work for if I could stay with him. I told him tha my mother was taking me out of school. He and my mother agreed to the situation. So I moved in with him. I went back to school and my grades began to climb. I started playing school sports and making freinds. Sounded like I finaly had a break. Then he began to molest me. I felt I had nowhere to run. I couldn't talk to anyone about it I was too ashamed. The sexual abuse continued for two more years. I lived in the country miles from help. No job prospects in site. No transportation. No escape. I then talked to an air force recruiter at school. I joined the military at the end of that year. Since then I have traveled the world, and obtained two college degrees. I can't say my life has been perfect since then but it has managed to get better. By the way me and my mother are best of friends. Well Lentil and any others in simular situations I hope that a brief history of my past has maybe helped you in some small way. My advice would be save the child and cure the parent. Send them to family counciling.

Skip

Canon EOS-1D X

Canon EF 300mm f/2.8L IS USM

03/29/2005 10:00:22 AM · #38

i am dumb-founded...

if troy hasn't given us all a reason to step up and step in, then there will never be a reason good enough to get involved.

thank God you have managed to move your life along, troy, and thanks for being able to share your story with us.

GoldBerry

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

Canon EF 50mm f/1.4 USM

03/29/2005 10:41:13 AM · #39

Hey Lentil, honestly it freaks me out to hear people talk about taking a child away from it's parents.

If she has problems, then you need to support her. You're her family. Taking away the child won't fix wants wrong with his mommy..no matter how minor or major. Most people who really need help the most don't want it, that doesn't mean you should just give up. That's just how I see it..I can't imagine what would happen to me if my family gave up on me in my hour of need.

Canon EOS-60D

Canon EF-S 55-250mm f/4-5.6 IS

03/29/2005 11:10:29 AM · #40

In all my experiences with CPS in the US, the thing that I have learned is that complete removal of the child only happens in the absolute worst case scenarios...typically the child, if the situation warrants removal of any type, is placed with a relative and not immediately sent to some foster home or orphanage. I don't know how DOCS does it in Australia, but I am certain that reporting the situation to the proper authorities is going to be beneficial in the long run. Of course, here in the US, CPS typically takes forever to respond and if DOCS is the same way, the things you do in the meanwhile can make a difference in their lives and in the way DOCS handles the case. If you provide support and assistance to both the mother and the child, and she appears to be making progress and the child is not in imminent danger, DOCS might simply provide necessary case management, community service coordination, and other types of assistance that they need so that removal is never an issue. I work with neglected kids all day every day, and have for the past 10 years, and have yet to see one of my hundreds of CPS referrals be removed from their homes. I don't think that would be the case in your situation either. Hope this eases your mind a little. Hang in there! :O)

tristalisk

Canon EOS-350D Rebel XT

Canon EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6

03/29/2005 11:14:38 AM · #41

keep us posted lentil. If theres any thing I can do to help let me know.

woohoopepper

Nikon D70

Nikon AF-S DX Zoom-Nikkor 18-70mm f/3.5-4.5G IF-ED

03/29/2005 11:22:20 AM · #42

Good luck lentil ... children must come first and it's hopefully not too late to reverse the harm that has been done to this child - mental anguish and abuse. I hope you will be able to stop the cycle of abuse otherwise this child is on a clear road to psychopathic behavior.

debbybris

Canon EOS-20D

03/29/2005 11:30:13 AM · #43

I do hope you can take in this little boy to help give the mother time to get better. It will be hard for you and your family. The little boy probably doesn't get on with your children as he doesn't get any attention, and the only attention he can get is negative...being naughty. I am sure it can be turnt into positive attention in such a short time. It is such a sad story. Yours too tristalisk, if there is a god why does he give helpless children to families like this, if the mother gets help though it could be a happy ending. It is a real hard situation and I wish you well for the future ahead of you all.
debbie

GeneralE

Canon PowerShot S3 IS

Canon 12x IS USM (S3 IS built-in Lens) -- 36-432mm (35mm EQ)

03/29/2005 11:39:16 AM · #44

Originally posted by laurielblack:

Pretty much everything else she said too. Good luck!

justin_hewlett

Canon EOS-1000D Rebel XS

Canon EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 IS

03/29/2005 11:49:33 PM · #45

Best of luck to you, Lentil. I hope everything turns out for the best.

Message edited by author 2005-03-30 00:05:45.

Rooster

Canon EOS-400D Rebel XTi

Sigma 28-105mm f/2.8-4.0 Aspherical for Canon

03/30/2005 12:01:03 AM · #46

I just wrote a huge post that I back spaced out of. CURSES!
the jist of it was this...
this is not the best place to be seeking advice on such an important issue.
Any action on your part will have consequences. I implore u to seek appropriate advice/support/help before doing anything.
good luck friend
peace
rooster