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03/05/2005 10:06:34 PM · #1 |
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
3. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
4. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
5. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
6. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
9. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc Says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
10. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
12. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start."
13. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
21. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
22. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says,"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
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03/05/2005 10:26:21 PM · #2 |
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03/05/2005 10:40:29 PM · #3 |
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03/06/2005 11:23:00 AM · #4 |
What's the difference between a seamstress and a flute player?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.................... |
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03/06/2005 11:30:10 AM · #5 |
Originally posted by frychikn:
What's the difference between a seamstress and a flute player?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.................... |
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03/06/2005 12:14:04 PM · #6 |
The late Dorothy Parker famously said:
"You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her read."
Robt.
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03/06/2005 12:19:07 PM · #7 |
Originally posted by kirbic:
Originally posted by frychikn:
What's the difference between a seamstress and a flute player?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.................... |
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Please explain why you'd be drinking coffee as you open a thread called "Made Me Laugh" in the first place ...
Is this the place for the story of the orchestra member who lost her vibrato ... ? |
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03/06/2005 12:20:36 PM · #8 |
| ... and perhaps I should add a "Warning: Testosterone Ahead" alert to the thread title ... |
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03/06/2005 12:24:06 PM · #9 |
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03/06/2005 08:59:47 PM · #10 |
Originally posted by GeneralE:
Originally posted by kirbic:
Originally posted by frychikn:
What's the difference between a seamstress and a flute player?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.................... |
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Please explain why you'd be drinking coffee as you open a thread called "Made Me Laugh" in the first place ...
Is this the place for the story of the orchestra member who lost her vibrato ... ? |
Continuing in the same vein:
Q - Why did the woman break off her relationship with the french horn player?
A - Because every time he kissed her he tried to push his fist up her ass! |
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03/06/2005 09:27:08 PM · #11 |
Some Answering machine messages:
1- Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
2- "This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
3- You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Thank you.
4- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
5- Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
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03/08/2005 03:21:20 AM · #12 |
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03/09/2005 03:18:30 AM · #13 |
You Never Know
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. " ‘Don't Despair’ paid 80-to-1." |
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03/09/2005 05:01:35 PM · #14 |
Photo of the Day at iWon.com:
Yosemite National Park, CA
Sent in by Kerry
We've been to Yosemite many times but this past October, 2004, was the most beautiful we had ever seen it. You can see Half Dome on the right and El Capitan of the left. This was definitely an Ansel Adams moment. |
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03/09/2005 05:14:34 PM · #15 |
The novice nun and the mother superior were bicycling throught the back streets of Rome when all of a sudden the novice nun looked to the mother superior and said: I've never come this way before!!!"
The mother superior smiled coyly and replied "It's the cobblestones my dear"
Ray
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