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01/30/2005 05:50:33 PM · #26 |
and don't forget the wonderful Word Detective
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02/01/2005 08:30:32 PM · #27 |
| gerk...... ummm.... beta use code language instead..... |
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02/02/2005 12:20:54 AM · #28 |
"You can get on the airplane if you want; me, I'm getting IN the airplane."
George Carlin |
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02/02/2005 01:31:57 AM · #29 |
Some of my favorites are where the same word has opposite meanings:
"Because of the scandal, the NCAA sanctioned the University of ..."
"These fully-licensed souvenirs are sanctioned by the NCAA and ..." |
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02/02/2005 01:35:41 AM · #30 |
Why?
--Do we call it "bacon" (bakin') when we usually fry it?
--Is filling out a form the same as filling it in?
--Burning something down is the same as burning it up?
--Do our feet smell and our nose runs?
Message edited by author 2005-02-02 01:36:18.
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02/02/2005 01:39:51 AM · #31 |
| If fortification means a large fort, does ratification mean a large rat? |
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02/02/2005 02:46:10 AM · #32 |
| If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? |
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02/02/2005 03:07:38 AM · #33 |
I am truly enjoying this thread,,,,,,,, keep up the good work.
Ray |
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02/02/2005 06:44:00 AM · #34 |
Some of my favorite Gallagherisms:
Why do they call them apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do tug boats push barges?
Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?
Shouldn't the word monosyllabic be shorter?
Why is the word abbreviated so long?
Why do they put braille on the keypad at the drive-thru ATM?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
More on the site I linked above... ;o)
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02/05/2005 11:11:05 AM · #35 |
My dad, the French chef ...
Mon pere prepares, then pares pairs of pears.
================
Kids can't find skates?
"There,there, they're there," their mother said.
Message edited by author 2005-02-06 00:06:29. |
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02/06/2005 12:04:42 AM · #36 |
Cross-posted:
The full text (many versions) of Hamlet and a huge number of other public domain works are available in clear text from Project Gutenberg.
Their current Top 100 Downloads makes a darned fine reading list of (mostly) English Literature.
If you like what they're doing and would like to help out, consider joining their Distributed Proofreading Project. |
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02/06/2005 12:18:30 AM · #37 |
ok here's 1 well worth the read at least part of the way through----
(sorry about the formatt got it from a friend in an email)
-Why  Kids Flunk English  and Foreigners Can't Learn It
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox
became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two a! Â re called geese, yet the plural of
moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice (never meese); yet
the plural of house is houses, not hice or even heese.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural
of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot,
would a pair be called beets.
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural
of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural
would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother,
we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the
feminine, she, shis and shim.
Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) The Polish maid had to polish the furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example ... If you
have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the
bough on a tree!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple
nor dog in hot dog.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
In a restaurant, why do we have to wait on the waiter who will wait
on us?
Why is a putdown and a sendup the same thing?
Why is it okay to call a woman a vision but not a sight?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why is it that we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?
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02/26/2005 12:39:03 PM · #38 |
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g-j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), "A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling"
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