Outtake for "Floor or Ceiling".
A confronting one for myself.
Slowly I'm forcing myself to "out" my feet and photographing them.
I want pictures of me with them as they are now. I want to see them from another pov as I usually do so that I can overcome the fear I have for the operation. I want some reminders of those toes I've hated for all my life. In a few months, they will be gone. Gone as in "normal and straight as should" - I hope.
As a child I've been bullied because of them.
They've thrown my shoes upon the roof during gymnastics, in the middle of winter to force me walking bare foot in the snow. They filled my boots with mud so that I couldn't wear them. They've cut up my sneakers in summer to oblige me walking barefooted among them in the streets.
All the way from school to home, they danced and cheered around me, making so much noise that everyone turned to see what was going on.
"Ugly bitch ponded by the devil in her mothers womb, ugly bitch with the ugly crooked devil toes, clear the path for us with your ugliness so that nobody dares to come in our way"... was the song they sang all the way.
From my 8 years until I was 16, being bullied was almost daily business.
It destructed me way beyond comprehension and is still a part of me being who I am now: insecure, feeling inferior and wanting to pass by as invisible as possible, anywhere.
If ever there existed a small hidden chance for me accepting my feet as they were since I was born, that small chance was taken away by those at school.
Only my parents, closest family, kids and husband have seen them ever since. I hide them all the time, even in summer when it's hot outside.
And now, a few months before their last day of being as they are I want them photographed.
Next January 16th will be the day I say goodbye to them. That day, a new chapter in my life will start. Thanks to my husband who arranged the first meeting with the surgeon this last summer.
I'm writing this here, in my outtakes, were likely nobody will read it. Opening up to who might read it after all. You who are reading this now, I hope you can understand how much I needed to write this down here. How heavy that weight has been all my life. I don't mean to offend the one who's reading this now. I just need to write it of. Because I'm tired of playing the role of self-confident and strong personality. I want to show myself how I really am. Allow me this. Allow me to share this with those who want to know who I really am.
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