Updated Employee Handbook 2004 ...
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci
Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need
a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you
do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every
year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work
is done enough.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to
8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies,
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors
must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and
a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast
and take a diet pill.
*Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
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