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06/10/2008 10:38:17 PM · #1 |
My mom sent this to me.
I normally erase stuff like this from my mom, but I thought it was funny and wanted to share.
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chile cook-off in New Mexico
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this
is.. They actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around.. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe
Plaza Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chile
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild..
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chile an aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher .. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chile peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. A t least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing.. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top of h imself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to rea lly hot chile?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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06/10/2008 10:44:31 PM · #2 |
Bravo I just pissed myself!
:-)) |
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06/10/2008 10:52:37 PM · #3 |
| How funny!! Makes me wanna cook somethin'...lol! |
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06/10/2008 11:13:08 PM · #4 |
| Reminds me of life here in Colorado- There are those here who love heinously hot things, presumably based on the southwest food influence (like myself). And then you have those from the midwest (I'm looking at you, Nebraska and Kansas!) that think Taco Bell mild sauce scorches you. Last time I made my acclaimed Citrus Habanero Chicken at a friendly barbecue (it really isn't very hot (nor is it supposed to be). I swear) there were several people that couldn't stop downing the beer in an effort to drown the spice. It's funny to watch, until you realize how much awesome food these people must miss out on... |
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06/11/2008 09:18:03 AM · #5 |
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06/11/2008 09:38:38 AM · #6 |
Originally posted by Man_Called_Horse:
I normally erase stuff like this from my mom, but I thought it was funny and wanted to share. |
By the way, why do Moms send this kind of thing to their kids, their kids' spouses, and all the neighbours? I wish mine would stop. :/ |
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06/11/2008 09:43:09 AM · #7 |
Originally posted by Louis:
Originally posted by Man_Called_Horse:
I normally erase stuff like this from my mom, but I thought it was funny and wanted to share. |
By the way, why do Moms send this kind of thing to their kids, their kids' spouses, and all the neighbours? I wish mine would stop. :/ |
Thankfully my parents both know better.
I just wish the rest of my acquaintances did as well. |
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