Dunno' if this has been posted before (didn't see it in a search), but it cracked me up. Hope it spreads a few smiles.
Uncredited when I saw it.
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MR. GOAT AND THE YELLOW BUCKET
I simply do not know what to do about the water trough. The pig likes to swim in it, and the horses get upset. I bought a second trough - but that is another story. In order for y'all to understand why I don't simply put a bucket of water out there for the livestock, and why I had to buy another water trough, here is why:
I can't put a bucket out there - - because of the goats. They have horns. The last time I tried a bucket, Mr. Goat stuck his head in, got his horns hooked over the handle, spooked and lifted his head, flinging the bucket ONTO his head.
So Mr. Goat starts running around, bleating. BAAAAAAA BAAAAAA BAAAAAAAA. The horses freak out - because coming right at them is the yellow bucket with a goats body - and the bleating has this odd echo type sound to it, like BAAAAAAAA baaaaaaaaa BAAAAAAAA baaaaaa
Y'all may not know this - but goats can run fast. Especially with a bucket stuck on their head.
So I'm yelling, Mr Goat. Mr. Goat. *)!*& Mr. Goat. Big dust clouds from the horses. Other goats are horrified - will not move - staring at Mr. Goat because oh my God - someone ate his head.
At this point I'm thinking Mr. Goat is going to drop dead of a heart attack. First of all - he's wet. Nothing more upset than a wet goat - except a wet goat with a bucket stuck on his head.
Second, I can't get to him because the horses are doing that run up, snort, turn and buck fart gallop thing.
And they're not really scared - because I know for a fact that they have harassed the goats by chasing them into their calf hutch - and the only way the goats can get around is to lift the hutch up from inside, and scoot the thing around. So all you see is this calf hutch moving, and little hooves under it. Scuttling back and forth in the pasture like a giant tortoise.
So it's not like they haven't seen goats with plastic on their heads before - I wasn't born yesterday, ya know.
Anyway, I'm finally able to get past the horses by threatening to sell them to the Amish- and now have to contend with goats that simply will not move and let me by. So I have to drag them by their horns past the gate so I can get into the pasture - where Mr. Goat is still running around with this bucket on his head. BAAAAAAA baaaaaaa BAAAAAA baaaaaaaa
Folks - these goats are big. Over 100lbs of obese goat that will not move nosireebob no way where in the hell is Mr Goats head did you see that. So I grab a tail.
A goat will go anywhere you want it to - if you grab the horns and tail. Now that I have their attention - they start to wonder if they are destined for the bucket next. So they move out of the way.
Finally! I run out to the pasture and get ahold of Mr. Goat, and the horses (and now suddenly very mobile other goats) follow me.
Oh - this is going to be wonderful, I think to myself, imagining the police report and crime scene photos when my body is discovered - complete with a yellow bucket. What a way to go - trampled by a herd of horses and goats. Knowing the goats - they'll crap all over my dead body. Goats crap on everything.
Well - I can't get the damn bucket off Mr. Goat. I don't know how the heck he got it on there - but I can't get the handle over his horns. The horses and other goats are "helping" which just makes Mr. Goat even more upset - and I'm wondering how the heck I'm going to get the goat back to the barn so I can cut the handle with bolt cutters.
Yeah - I didn't think to bring those with me . I'm a farmer - not a rocket scientist - cut me some slack.
Well - God made his face to shine upon me and Mr. Goat - I finally wrenched the thing off. What does Mr. Goat do? Burp up some cud and crap.
That's what goats do - really. They eat and crap. At the same time.
So now I gotta make my way back to the gate with the yellow bucket - which the rest of the animals are sure contains feed or treats - after all - Mr. Goat got to have some so why can't they?
The fat lady beats a retreat to the front gate - swearing that never again will she use a bucket for watering livestock.
Nor own goats.
The End. |
