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07/01/2003 06:03:52 AM · #1 |
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the
form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the
heat haze, a tree in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving
juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Oh my, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!! We're
saved!!!"
"You're right!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the
tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five
feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot
down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the
dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon
Tree...
"it's a ham bush"
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07/01/2003 06:44:08 AM · #2 |
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07/01/2003 08:23:08 AM · #3 |
Should have seen that one coming Tony. Funny. Must be cause it's morning and I'm not quite uptight yet.......lol Cheers.
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07/01/2003 08:48:23 AM · #4 |
LOL; Reminds me of this one:
Two guys are having a couple of drinks at the local pub. They start reliving their youth. The first guy, a Scott, tells of a pig his father once owned.
"That pig with the one wooden leg, sure was smart" said the Scott
"One day me dad was ploughin the fields when the tractor fell over, trappin 'is leg. The pig with the one wooden leg must've heard his cries for help, cause it kicked open the door to its pen, raced through the fields, jumpin fences like Lassie, picked up the tractor and saved me dad's life."
He took a swig of his beer and continued:
"Another time me brother was fishin in the river, lost his balance and would've drowned if the pig hadn't jumped in after him, pulled him out and, wooden leg and all, carried out CPR. "
"Amazing!" his mate exclaimed.
"No," the Scott replied, "the most amazing thing that pig with the wooden leg ever did was the time our house caught fire. The pig must've smelled the smoke, cause it kicked down the backdoor with its wooden leg, pulled all of us to safety, dialled for help, and then went on to put the fire out himself, before the fire department could even get there."
"That is amazing!" his friend replied, "But why did the pig have a wooden leg? " his mate asked
"Cause in Scotland, if you have a pig whose that smart, you don't eat it all at once!"
Message edited by author 2003-07-01 08:50:03.
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07/01/2003 08:53:40 AM · #5 |
Like that one Martus ...
what about this one..
BLACK ROBBERS (True Story)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash
the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she
told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an
intimidating figure. The woman froze.
Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought
was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But
racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilised her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and
ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know
what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the
elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot
and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the
elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the
elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she
thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the
floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of
quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the
elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.
Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard
one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor
you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a
little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in
a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up.
Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit
the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having
a hard time not laughing. The woman thought:
My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was humiliated to
speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do
you apologise to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as
though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The
three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking
her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were
afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her
a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring
with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were
delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp
one hundred dollar bill. The card said:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
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07/01/2003 08:59:16 AM · #6 |
ROTFLMAO! I can just see the look on her face that next morning!
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07/01/2003 10:06:23 AM · #7 |
| ROFL thanks everyone for brightening up my morning =o) |
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