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06/02/2005 07:33:39 AM · #26 |
Hi Scott - how old is your son? This sounds like a 'catch 22' situation. You want to trust your son and also protect him at the same time. At the end of the day you are the parent and you are responsible for your son. I agree that it is a good idea to only have internet access in your family room. I would not allow a child of mine (under 16) to have internet access in their bedroom etc. There are way too many crazies out there.
Mike
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06/02/2005 07:56:57 AM · #27 |
I too must commend you on your interest into his internet actions. I would certainly do as you have said and talk with him about his minimizing the screen when you come in. Re-enforce that you don't want to read what he is typing but you are his parent and want to make sure he isn't somewhere that maybe he doesn't belong. If he gives you the line about not trusting him remind him that by hiding stuff whenever you come in he has not given you much reason to trust him.
Luckily my wife raised my 13 year old step-daughter to be very cautious about what she listens to, watches and does on the internet, if she is watching a movie she thought was ok and it turns bad she will turn it off and has been known to profussly apoligize for watching it. Same with music, if we're flipping stations in the car and stop on a bad song she will tell us it isn't a good song and have us change it. Most of that is her Christian up-bringing but it is also because her mother cared enough to instill that in her.
Scott, show him that you do trust him and as long as he doesn't give you a reason to stop that trust it will always be there. Good luck and God be with you in.
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06/02/2005 08:02:45 AM · #28 |
My 2 cents....
My daughters are 12 and 16 and they share a computer. Rather than openly invade their privacy (which does embarras them), I installed a mirror on the wall opposite the computer. That way I can see at a glance what they are doing without having to walk right up to them and look over their shoulders. Also, I check the history on their computer often, which they are well aware of. We have also talked MUCH about the dangers of internet usage and what things they should never say online. So far we have had no problems.
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06/02/2005 08:07:00 AM · #29 |
Originally posted by idnic:
My 2 cents....
My daughters are 12 and 16 and they share a computer. Rather than openly invade their privacy (which does embarras them), I installed a mirror on the wall opposite the computer. That way I can see at a glance what they are doing without having to walk right up to them and look over their shoulders. Also, I check the history on their computer often, which they are well aware of. We have also talked MUCH about the dangers of internet usage and what things they should never say online. So far we have had no problems. |
And yet on this site your first AND last name are required. I suprised that nobody has sued yet for privacy infringment or something similar.
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06/02/2005 08:09:39 AM · #30 |
here's my side of this story...
When my daughter was in her teens, I monitored her use do fthe computer... I peeked over her shouldeer one time adn saw an inappropriate comment made by an adult male in a chat room... this chat room was local...the man was local adn was askignehr to come over to his house...
I halted the conversation, by typing that i was her mom and i didnt want him talking to her any more...not three monhts later this man was in jail for raping a 13 year old in his house that he met onthe internet...
I DO think that a child should not have a computer intheir own room, as this does not allow monitoring... BUT if they have to have it there, a monitoring of some kind with their knowledge should be done. Ken is absolutely correct on how to handle the situation. The other way to handle it is to disconnect the intrenet from his computer. Then its used for Schoolwork only. If he wants to "chat" or "blog" then he would have to do it in the famiy room on your computer.
I worked for an ISP... I SAW how many times that they researched someone for messing with kids ... I was the one who the police brought in the warrants for records.. |
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06/02/2005 08:11:03 AM · #31 |
Originally posted by notonline:
And yet on this site your first AND last name are required. I suprised that nobody has sued yet for privacy infringment or something similar. |
Understandable here, imo, It helps to protect the copyright of our images. P.S. My children are not allowed here! :)
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06/02/2005 08:41:45 AM · #32 |
Originally posted by Britannica:
A lot of you are going to give your kids a complex.
Seriously. You worried about your kid not talking to you -- that's good. But, you don't need to be finding out what they are not talking to you about, that is probably something quite trivial. I'll give you the benefit of doubt that if you thought it was anything but trivial they would not have a computer in their room anymore. You need to find out why they won't talk to you -- the what is immaterial. And don't give me that hog-wash about trusting them; that you just want to check to make sure. It is simply not possible for a sane individual to trust someone that is not willing to communicate with them.
Sure you have the right to enforce greater and greater restrictions if they don't cave in to your will -- and they have the right to resent it and find greater and greater ways to hide what they are doing. It's a cold war on a family scale, a fight for dominance over their individuality.
Privacy is very important for any age but especially for teenagers. it is only when they are alone that they can hear their own thoughts -- and only then can they make the decisions that will shape who they are to become. Give them no privacy and the only choice they have is to become who ever the group they are in wants them to be -- in a family environment that may not be so bad, but it's not a good habit to saddle someone with when they enter the world at large. Peer pressure is a mighty powerful thing to those without the practice at deciding things for themselves. Sure they will make mistakes, but some have to be made -- noone has ever learned to do anything without making mistakes. Living a life is the same as any other activity in this regard.
Sorry if this came off a bit hard, and is certainly not intended to be taken as a personal attack -- but it's a subject that is too important to be sugar-coated out of existence. The main thrust of what I was trying to say is simply to not concentrate so much on what the child is doing, that will only sidetrack you efforts. Concentrate instead of who the child is (and not, perhaps, who you fear they are becoming) and the rest will work itself out in the end.
David
BTW: It doesn't take a parent to know what a teenager is like, that will just give you another outside viewpoint -- it takes someone who has been a teenager to see things from the same viewpoint. ;) |
Funny, I went to a PTA meeting last night with a session about kids and the internet, and this sounds a lot like what they siad an on-line child molester would say. |
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06/02/2005 09:02:31 AM · #33 |
A good resource is //www.netsmartz.org/ Check out the "Real Life Stories".
Seems the biggest issue is thier bloging, followed closely by chat/IM with strangers. This is how child molesters find your kids and gain thier trust. If you ever have the opportunity to go to a presentation on how they do it, GO! An FBI agent gave one presentation at our kids' school, and it was startling.
IMO, you have to ignore the little stuff. In one sense, our job as parents is to let our kids learn by thier mistakes. What's important is that we keep an eye on them and prevent them from making a fatal mistake.
Message edited by author 2005-06-02 09:56:41. |
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06/02/2005 09:30:55 AM · #34 |
Originally posted by SDW65:
Originally posted by BobsterLobster:
I'm not a parent, so this is just my personal opinion, but I really think this is morally wrong. If the trust issues are this bad, they need addressing before you snoop on him. |
How is that Bob? I don't want to know what he is doing, his every move, just want to protect him from the Internet. You have to be a parent to understand parental instincts. Read my above post. Morally wrong would be to, as a parent, after talking to him he still hides what he is doing on the Internet stepping away an saying well let thing be... A parent has the right to know what his or her child is involved in. Like I stated above, I trust him but have little trust in the Internet. |
In the world today we (as parents) need to make sure that our kids are safe. If that means I am "spying" on my daughter then so be it. I'll spy. I'd much rather she be safe and mad at me than unsafe and me being oblivious.
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06/02/2005 09:35:12 AM · #35 |
Originally posted by kpriest:
"but my kid is different - they are very trustworhty" |
Exacly, I can trust my daughter to the ends of the earth, but I DON'T trust all the sicko perverts in the world. Heck I'm about to move to a town of 3,300 and there are three registered sex offenders in town (on just down the block). I'll do anything and everything in my power to protect my child.
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06/02/2005 09:44:00 AM · #36 |
Originally posted by notonline:
And yet on this site your first AND last name are required. I suprised that nobody has sued yet for privacy infringment or something similar. |
They don't have my first AND last name and I'm still around. |
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06/02/2005 09:52:07 AM · #37 |
This is a tough one... and yes we all have the best kids in the world. My son was doing the IM and Role Playing games on the net from 16-18 while he was in the house. He'd hide the IMs when I would come in to talk to him.
I actually gave him the same speech we give users at work...My house, my computer and I pay for the network connection that he is using. I have the ultimate authority and resposiblity over all of them as long as he is a minor and I have provided him those services. It's hard to make them understand... It is like handing them a loaded gun. Most of the time they use it properly, but I have the right to protect my own interests as well as his.
If the Feds show up at ones house to investigate inappropriate behavior on the internet they are not going to take just the kids computer...they are going to take them all.
He turned eighteen and moved out of the house so no longer an issue but it was always a concern....I found some of he chat sessions not so cool and who'd of guess that those honors girls from highschool were on the other end.
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06/02/2005 10:01:29 AM · #38 |
One more reason to watch what your kids do on-line:
From //www.zeropaid.com/news/4366/Single+Mother+Overwhelmed+by+the+RIAA+Suit
Single mom overwhelmed by recording industry suit
Tammy Lafky has a computer at home but said she doesn't use it. "I don't know how," the 41-year-old woman said, somewhat sheepishly.
But her 15-year-old daughter, Cassandra, does. And what Cassandra may have done, like millions of other teenagers and adults around the world, landed Lafky in legal hot water this week that could cost her thousands of dollars.
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06/02/2005 10:03:16 AM · #39 |
Just as a side issue, I have the same problems with my kids (mainly my 14 year old son), but it's damn hard keeping an eye on things when all the communication is done in Swiss dialect (still manage though - I hope) :)
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06/02/2005 10:13:56 AM · #40 |
Columbine might have been prevented if the parents had been watching.
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06/02/2005 10:15:56 AM · #41 |
I'll preface by saying that I have no intention of offending anyone. I do believe this is a very important issue, and in many ways, one that defines our current society more than many others would.
In the course of this thread, I've seen a number of statements like: "I trust my kid, but there are many other people out in the internet that I don't trust."
To me, there's a disconnect here. Trusting kids also mean trusting them to abide by the agreements that have been made between you and the kids. So why not just "ban" visits to chat sites where the crazies might be hanging around, the pornography sites, and any other site where you don't feel they belong? If you trust your kids, and they're trustworthy, then they won't go to such sites, and problem is mitigated, no?
If you don't think this kind of an arrangement is enough, then I'd say there is a trust issue between you and the kids. Some of you would say that I don't know what I'm talking about, as I'm not a parent and I'd feel differently if I did have kids of my own (you might very well be right). Kids are kids, and they disobey, some others might say as a counter to what I'm trying to suggest here.
Well, I didn't have an easy relationship with my folks when I was still in their house. BUT I did realize when they were being serious about something, and regardless of how much I disagreed with their decisions on these issues, I did obey them because that was the bargain we made in exchange for some freedoms I had. I trusted my folks to uphold their end of the deal, and I upheld mine in return.
If I was still in my parents' house, and I find out they were snooping on anything I was doing (instead of openly making clear some things that they didn't want me to do and trusting me to respect them enough to take that seriously) I'd reckon there would have been bigger trouble in the house, and from the little knowledge I have of myself and my character, I'd have made damn sure that I broke every law they set against me, and would have gone to all kinds of extra effort to rub their noses in it.
But that's just me. It's about respect, and snooping, I strongly feel, is disrespectful. I don't mean to "tell anyone else what to do," and I just wanted to express my opinion on this. You're the parents, you make the call, and you determine what kind of relationship works in your household.
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06/02/2005 10:17:28 AM · #42 |
Originally posted by ADGibson:
Columbine might have been prevented if the parents had been watching. |
Columbine would have been impossible had the US public taken a stronger stance, and one that makes sense, against ownership of firearms.
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06/02/2005 10:46:09 AM · #43 |
First let me say I am NOT a parent. And my privacy and boundaries were frequently violated as a young teen (minus the communication).
However, I am all for open communication and monitoring your teen's activity (internet & otherwise).
There is a difference between trusting your child and trusting their judgement. If total trust was effective then there would be no such thing as a "minor". The hormones and peer pressure teens experience can seriously affect the judgment of even the most well-raised kid.
I know because I, regrettably acted to introduce my friends to corrupting influences they might otherwise have avoided, if not for people like me.
By shutting windows when you walk in, your child is testing you (albeit subconsciously). If you are hesitant to broach the subject with him, he will sense that and will gain the upper hand. If I had a child I would be very straightforward about the rules. After all, who owns the house? Who pays the bills, including the internet access? You are the master of your domain and have every right to monitor all activity in it.
Don't forget that he could be putting your whole family in physical and/or financial danger, not just himself.
He might respond well to being reminded that he is a part of the family "unit" and therefore, has a responsibility to everyone. The only things I hid from my parents were all the terrible things I shouldn't have been doing.
Good luck with it. He's lucky to have a parent who cares.
Message edited by author 2005-06-02 10:47:07. |
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06/02/2005 10:51:50 AM · #44 |
I agree with greatandsmall, your child is truely lucky to have a parent who cares so much.
Teresa
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06/02/2005 11:04:27 AM · #45 |
Originally posted by SDW65:
Originally posted by TooCool:
That's easy! Put the computer in the family room! |
Not that easy. My computer is in the family room leaving no room for another computer. |
Dining room...a friend has 3 in his, my ohter friend has 2 in theirs...
I have 2 plus a laptop in my den. In my last house i used spare bedroom for awhile and then the dining room.
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06/02/2005 11:10:56 AM · #46 |
Originally posted by rgo:
Originally posted by ADGibson:
Columbine might have been prevented if the parents had been watching. |
Columbine would have been impossible had the US public taken a stronger stance, and one that makes sense, against ownership of firearms. |
Sorry dude...you are wrong on that. The kids STOLE the guns from gramps (not even the house they lived in, so it is NOT the fault of their parents that they got the guns). How about cars? THey wer under 16 and stole a car. If we had no cars, then they could not have gotten to school with the guns to shoot anyone.
Outlaw cars.
Sorry to digress...
parents are the ones responsible. TALK with your children. There are programs that you can put on the computer to stop and limit access to certain websites...but he might be able to get arond them.
Putting the puter in a family room would help, but that is not the 100% answer either.
There is or was anyway, programs that could run on a computer to make it act like a router (it took 2 NIC cards in the computer to do it). So then your son's computer would go through yours then to the router...winproxy might have been the software.
My kids are still too little, but i know it is coming. Cell phones and texting is the big thing these days. Corner a HS teacher at a dinner party and ask about 'kids these days'...it is a different world that 20 years ago. MUCH different and getting moreso everyday.
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06/02/2005 11:11:43 AM · #47 |
Originally posted by rgo:
Originally posted by ADGibson:
Columbine might have been prevented if the parents had been watching. |
Columbine would have been impossible had the US public taken a stronger stance, and one that makes sense, against ownership of firearms. |
I doubt it. If someone is determined to do something they'll still do it, no matter what the laws are.
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06/02/2005 11:33:17 AM · #48 |
Originally posted by hankk:
Funny, I went to a PTA meeting last night with a session about kids and the internet, and this sounds a lot like what they siad an on-line child molester would say. |
You want to know the real funny thing?
If you check out just about any "Signs that show your kid *may* be a drug user" pamphlets the crap they put in those makes just about every single teenager a drug abuser. I never did any drugs as a teenager, but my parents were damn sure I was a drug abuser, because that's what the pamplets said.
It's Scare Monger tactics. They say things that seem plausible and since everyone is so concerned for the children, they will buy every single bit of it, whether any of it is true or not.
Then they make statements that paint anyone who might be using some kind of logic to interpret their statements as the bad guy only to reinforce their Scare Monger money train. |
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06/02/2005 11:37:52 AM · #49 |
what about doing a test of some sort, check to see if your local police department has someone working in a internet watching area, find out where he chats the most and see if the police can enter the site and test his response to them being there as an "innocent" person.
I remember a story (probably an urban myth) of a man chatting with a young girl online for a long time and after finding certain information that she thought was innocent enough he tracked her down and watched her all day. When she came home that night he was there with her parents, he was an undercover police agent and told her and her parents about how he found her from just small info she freely gave out.
It maybe enough to scare him into knowing no matter how careful he is, if someone wants to get info from you they know how to word things so you talk freely. Just a thought, I'm still behind you 100%.
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06/02/2005 11:38:42 AM · #50 |
OK, just a reminder to please keep your posts on topic, and not to go off on a tangent about gun control or whatever...
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