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05/25/2010 11:07:12 AM · #1 |
Well I guess you could say that I'm saying sorry for myself today.
It has been a long day and we had our last class meeting to say goodbye in the private setting of the 4th year students which was at the same time emotional and rewarding.
Of all the classmates I will bid farewell to, I will miss this one the most. I have dozens of pics that I have been trying to put together, but I am torn inside. For 4 years, she has been my secret muse. I have watched from the sidelines from the first year as she wowed me and hundreds of others on stage. I marveled from behind the lens as we have done a few projects together. Always a central figure in every class from early on, there has always been something between us that we both know just won't work. 4 months ago my heart died a little inside when she excitedly revealed that she had a boyfriend for the first time. Naturally, he's something of a jerk.
This week is the culmination of that 'won't work'. After this, I will probably never see her again as she moves back with her family in a remote part of Taiwan and we both move on.
So as this emotional day winds down, with not enough time to finish the hundreds of pictures that show her flexible beauty and her amazing ability to take on hundreds of different faces, I have only time to do a quick job with this one.
And knowing that there is no way to really show her how much she has meant to me for the last 4 years, all I can do is put up my little testament here as I try to concentrate on studying for the last of the big final exams tomorrow.
Moli, you are, by far, my favorite. |
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05/25/2010 11:14:47 AM · #2 |
| umm are you their Teacher? |
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05/25/2010 11:34:42 AM · #3 |
Actually no, she's my classmate. I happen to be almost 10 years older than most of my classmates though.
Bleh, I just looked at that pic in small res. Looks crap. *sigh* Looks great in a full size print... No time. |
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05/25/2010 11:37:17 AM · #4 |
| That all sounds kind of "Humbert Humbert" to me. |
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05/25/2010 11:40:46 AM · #5 |
Originally posted by Spork99:
That all sounds kind of "Humbert Humbert" to me. |
That sounds like a very unfair comparison, and somewhat out of order. |
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05/25/2010 11:43:19 AM · #6 |
Originally posted by SaraR:
Originally posted by Spork99:
That all sounds kind of "Humbert Humbert" to me. |
That sounds like a very unfair comparison, and somewhat out of order. |
that sounds like something i have no idea what you're talking about |
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05/25/2010 11:46:07 AM · #7 |
| Well, at least tell her you love her before she goes. Otherwise you'll regret it forever. |
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05/25/2010 11:47:05 AM · #8 |
Originally posted by JH:
Well, at least tell her you love her before she goes. Otherwise you'll regret it forever. |
Agreed!
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05/25/2010 11:49:18 AM · #9 |
Originally posted by smardaz:
Originally posted by SaraR:
Originally posted by Spork99:
That all sounds kind of "Humbert Humbert" to me. |
That sounds like a very unfair comparison, and somewhat out of order. |
that sounds like something i have no idea what you're talking about |
oh ok, i googled it, yeah, thats pretty messed up considering lolita was about a 12yr old girl not a college girl..... |
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05/25/2010 12:02:36 PM · #10 |
Originally posted by Spork99:
That all sounds kind of "Humbert Humbert" to me. |
It's not nearly that creepy, but yeah a bit creepy. Almost stalker-ish but it's an inside job. I don't know maybe I'm just reading something into it that isn't there.
Matt
ETA an explanation. the fact that you are telling thousands of strangers on the internet and not her is what does that for me.
Message edited by author 2010-05-25 12:04:49. |
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05/25/2010 12:13:45 PM · #11 |
| Keiran, nothing wrong with having a mad crush, or deeper feelings, for someone ten years younger, even if she is an actress (just kidding). Your feelings were nicely expressed. But since you apparently never dated her, I can't take it too seriously. If you were truly intimates it might be another story. It's much easier (and safer) to pine for an ideal than to have a real relationship. Rather than yearn for the unattainable, why not ask someone out who is interested? And I don't mean that as a put down. |
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05/25/2010 12:13:58 PM · #12 |
| Phew on not being her teacher. |
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05/25/2010 12:18:21 PM · #13 |
In reading this, I can't help but to remind everyone that there are vast cultural differences! This is a proper culture...not like Americans who just go around expressing their every thought/feeling and expect that its welcomed. There are customs that must be adhered to and the feelings of the family to be taken into consideration. Courtship there is a process, starting with meeting the parents.
Message edited by author 2010-05-25 12:20:04. |
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05/25/2010 12:25:11 PM · #14 |
If it won't work, you should listen to your head. However, it might be worth your time to tell her what she has meant to you and your work.
In the end, it doesn't mean that you will get this girl, but she might very much welcome knowing that beyond mere friendship she has been important in your life and work. |
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05/25/2010 12:55:38 PM · #15 |
heh. Didn't expect a response. I just needed to get it off my chest.
It's one of those things that everyone knows, but everyone also knows that it can't work. Even people who barely know us knew enough to put us together in the school yearbook. Actually, she has known my feelings unspoken since we did that Cola Corta thing together.
We didn't date, but we spent most of every day for around 2 and a half years in each other's company. She made an attempt to try a date type thing about 2 years ago and it just didn't work. She doesn't speak English and while I speak Chinese very well, I lack the depth and eloquence to pull it off with someone like her. Since that day, we all knew that it would never work and we have kept our affections at a distance ever since. If it were only communication barriers, it wouldn't be a problem, but there are other serious difficulties that would be presented as well that are culture, family and religion based that aren't specifically relevant for this discussion. FWIW, she enjoys spending time with me and we always have a great time together.  
Citymars, I appreciate your comments. It's not so much yearning for the unattainable, as much as watching something unique and special (and unattainable) float away out of my life. (there are several other things going on right now that are repeating that theme, so it's a bit of a sore spot).
It's one thing to be attracted to a girl. It's another thing to have a muse - a girl that is at the same time a stimulant and a catalyst of creativity. While we knew that the relationship could never be romantic, we were able to enjoy some good creative collaborations over the past 2 years, even in spite of the distance and it was always a joy. I actually have about 1100 pics of her kicking around through my collections. Of the pics I have archived, nearly a fifth of them are of her.
In fact if this were just about a crush, I wouldn't put it up here. This is sadness about losing more than just a pretty girl in my life. She is an emotional stimulant and a creative catalyst.
As to her age, she's 23 in Taiwanese (they start from 1, so in the West, we would call that 22. I am 32 according to the West). She can (and has) pulled off looks in plays from age 10 right up to age 40.
***
JH - I think I will try to find a way to tell her verbally, but it is difficult to find a way to put it into "beautiful Chinese" because there's always more than one way to say things. Today in our class meeting, I got so emotional when I was asked to speak that after a few sentences, I couldn't do the Chinese. I might have a similar difficulty. However it goes, it's going to be a tough goodbye.
ps. thanks for the kind words.
pps. Ambaker, I like the way you put that. I have known however for around 2 years that there is no future for us. It doesn't stop me from enjoying the time I have had the privilege of spending with her since then. The real difficulty is that this isn't unrequited feelings, this is a case where we just have to be objective about it and say no to ourselves even before something happens. And even stranger, there has never been a really strong aspect of sexual attraction. We were attracted mutually because of our personalities. In many ways, this makes the feelings that much more difficult to deny and move past.
Message edited by author 2010-05-25 13:06:18. |
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05/25/2010 01:52:57 PM · #16 |
Originally posted by eschelar:
... ... |
Looks like she adores you back.. |
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05/25/2010 02:24:59 PM · #17 |
Keiran, you have so many beautiful memories of her and wonderful photos to look back on to remind yourself of a friend. There is more than one kind of love, as you stated it is not sexual, but companionship, a mutual love of each other as friends. What memories to carry with you throughout your life.
Parting is such sweet sorrow, someone somewhere said once:)) Shed a tear, hug each other.
I am sure if it is both your destinies, then you will meet again in the future:)
Good Luck with the exams. |
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05/25/2010 09:05:24 PM · #18 |
I was always fortunate to have had relationships that we knew weren't to be forever, yet they were beautiful, important, and memorable. Yes, it's sad that you'll both move on, but yoiur lives have been enriched by knowing each other and your memories will be cherished for the rest of your life because of the way the relationship remained special. Having not ever had it transition into doing laundry, and wondering if you'll have enough to eat and pay the rent often makes the beauty of what you had that much stronger......the magic never was never sucked out of it by the reality of everyday life. Love her, miss her, wish her all the best in the world, and remember.....
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05/25/2010 09:48:02 PM · #19 |
I'm hoping for a real life chic flick where in the end, the unattainable one realizes that he's the one she loves and against all odds, they will find a way to be happily ever after. Well. You ARE in theatre, and fairy tales do happen in the movies, right?
I agree that there appears to be a bit more chemistry in those photos than simple classmate/platonic muse types of feelings.
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05/25/2010 10:07:55 PM · #20 |
the hours are ticking by. 3 hours to go. 60% finished with studying. Still got to finish one more pic for another member of the group (who played the detective in Cola Corta).
And the pics that I wish I could spend hours on carefully tweaking and fine tuning go untouched.
After today, I will see her one last time - at the graduation ceremony - where she will be accompanied by her boyfriend...
Perhaps today is the last time I will have a chance to show her my feelings...
There's a potent moment coming soon... hoping to face it well. |
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05/26/2010 04:16:21 PM · #21 |
Hopefully your moment was everything you wished for...
Be well. |
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05/26/2010 04:34:44 PM · #22 |
âSing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.â
Mark Twain |
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05/29/2010 02:31:30 AM · #23 |
Originally posted by ambaker:
Hopefully your moment was everything you wished for...
Be well. |
Thanks.
It was very nice. And went somewhat as expected. I gave her the full size A4 print of that pic plus another from the same series (there were about 12 with about 6 different moods in her face, but no time). I also did one pic for another of the 4 girls and did another "facebook style" composite from cell phone pics. I had a moment "alone" (about 10 seconds in the hallway with about 8 other people) and quietly gave her a little something I have been keeping around for someone special for around 6 years. A little necklace.
I told her it was just for her, but didn't get a chance to say much more. She took it and slipped it in her purse just as her friends showed up. She knew exactly what I was talking about and was not at all surprised.
We did some pictures and shared some hugs and the girls said goodbye to me knowing that we will probably only see each other one more time.
Parting is such sweet sorrow indeed.
Message edited by author 2010-06-12 09:27:44. |
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06/12/2010 09:26:53 AM · #24 |
Well, that was that.
The four girls were a teary mess at the grad ceremony and after lots of wet soppy hugs, we made our goodbyes.
Afterwards, about 30 of us went to a BBQ restaurant and Moli saved a seat for me beside her (I was half an hour late), but that was all. Just some casual conversation and a few comments about her lame boyfriend who couldn't even be bothered to show up for her grad.
She didn't wear the necklace either.
I kept things 'friend level' appropriate and she was satisfied with that.
So that closes that chapter.
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