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05/12/2011 08:40:30 AM · #26 |
Originally posted by vawendy:
Being psychic would be wonderful!!
Being anything other than completely oblivious would even be acceptable.
Unfortunately, the chances of either are equally as likely.
:P |
ROFL! Where's the like button?! |
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05/12/2011 09:42:31 AM · #27 |
The reason I asked is that I when I got home from class last night my wife was all mad and grumpy and when I asked what's wrong I got the usual "NOTHING!!" And a few minutes later, "If you don't know what's wrong then there must be nothing wrong." Huh? Why can't you just answer the question? Why do we have to play 20 questions?
Truthfully I probably don't want to know anyway. Her uncle lives here with us too, and between him and our son, the kitchen is always a mess. No one seems capable of cleaning up after themselves. I can sort of understand the 12 year old leaving a mess since he doesn't care about anything but his Xbox 360, but seriously, I expect a 60 year old man to wash his own dishes, wipe up crumbs he leaves when making a sandwich, or wipe up any spills he makes. But he doesn't. I come home every day after a 10 hour shift at a job I truly hate to clean up his messes. Bread crumbs all over kitchen table and floor, milk spilt all over, the sink overflowing with dishes and the AC turned down to almost 60.
So I quit picking up after him and told him to do it himself. Of course he listens about as well as the 12 year old and makes a bigger mess now. Kelly will come home after I have left for class and see that her uncle is a slob, but doesn't say a word to him about it, she waits till I get home and yells at me about it. She get because she shouldn't have to clean it up after her long day. I agree but she needs go a set of ovaries and go tell her uncle to quit being a lazy pain in the ass, don't take it out on me. I'm putting in 18 hour days 5 days a week between both of my jobs and going to school and don't need this added on it.
GRRRRRRRRR
Ok, I'm done with my rant. For now. |
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05/12/2011 10:05:07 AM · #28 |
Sounds like the problem is that you're both mad at the uncle and taking it out on each other. You need to be a united front instead of 2 combatants. She might not be able to "man up" enough to deal with the uncle. Families are extremely complex, difficult things. But perhaps you guys can work out a way together to get it taken care of. Sit down, figure out what can be done, what should be done, and who is able/unable to do it? Realize that just because she should stand up to him, doesn't necessarily mean that she can. Find ways to work around the inadequacies.
She is just as frustrated as you are. Otherwise she wouldn't have reacted that way. |
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05/12/2011 10:06:21 AM · #29 |
No...I don't like men who are psychic (he may discover the new Nikon lens that I hid in the closet!)
I would appreciate neatness though and all relatives must live in their own houses.
Just my two cents... |
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05/12/2011 10:15:16 AM · #30 |
Originally posted by cutout:
POLYGAMY is the answer
one for love
one for sex
one in the kitchen
one in the laundry room
and one to feed the rabbits
aaah dreams |
I have a feeling that only the rabbits would win in that situation.
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05/12/2011 10:29:01 AM · #31 |
Originally posted by vawendy:
Sounds like the problem is that you're both mad at the uncle and taking it out on each other. You need to be a united front instead of 2 combatants. She might not be able to "man up" enough to deal with the uncle. Families are extremely complex, difficult things. But perhaps you guys can work out a way together to get it taken care of. Sit down, figure out what can be done, what should be done, and who is able/unable to do it? Realize that just because she should stand up to him, doesn't necessarily mean that she can. Find ways to work around the inadequacies.
She is just as frustrated as you are. Otherwise she wouldn't have reacted that way. |
I don't understand why she can't stand up to him, and gets pissed at me when I do. No one wants him here, and I don't think it's fair that we have to suffer because this idiot has screwed his own life up.
His name is Mike, and here's a small history of what I know since I've been around...
He has 2 sisters, Kelly's aunt Johnna, and her mom Loretta. Now Mike was living with Johnna when I came into the picture and married Kelly. Johhna and her husband left one time on a cruise and left Mike alone on their farm. They come home a week later and some farming equipment is missing and Mike has a big chunk of money. Could be a coincidence but then a guy shows up saying he bought a tractor from Mike and was there to pick it up. Mike was actually selling their stuff without them knowing!!! So he got booted out and almost got his ass kicked by his brother in law.
So he moves in with Loretta who reluctantly takes him in. Well her husband saves all of his change, and had about 20 HUGE jugs full of coins. So they leave for a weekend to go see family in Kansas and once again Mike is left alone. Well 5 of the jugs of change come up missing along with several guns that my father in law uses when he goes hunting and Mike once again has a huge chunk of cash and can't explain where his money came from. So he gets booted out again.
He lives on the streets a few days and comes begging Kelly to let him stay with us for a few months. Well that has turned into 5 years, he won't get a job, eats all of our food, leaves messes everywhere, bitches that we have pets, and expects us to do his laundry. The best part, is that right before Christmas of 2009 I left Kelly my debit card so she could get some money, and Mike overheard me telling her my pin code since he was in the living room with us. She left my card on my desk while I was at work and he took it and had someone take him to the casino. I had $400 left after Kelly got what she needed and by the time Mike was done I was -$500. He came home and cried that he was sorry he did that, and begged not to be kicked out. Kelly fell for it and let him stay, saying he promised to pay me back. Well I haven't got a single dime though he had a few odd jobs and made some money. He still acts like owns the place and I'm at a breaking point. This man has ripped off everyone who has tried to help him and I think he needs to go and figure out his own life instead of dragging ours down with him. I don't even want to come home anymore because of this guy and I have honestly been looking at different one bedroom apartments for myself. I came home yesterday and all the change I had on my dresser was gone because he didn't have money for cigarettes. Well sorry thats not my problem and you need to stay out of our bedroom.
I could keep going with stories about this guy, but I need to get ready for work. So if anyone wants a 60 year old man thats free to a good home, message me. |
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05/12/2011 10:51:21 AM · #32 |
Originally posted by hihosilver:
No...I don't like men who are psychic (he may discover the new Nikon lens that I hid in the closet!)
I would appreciate neatness though and all relatives must live in their own houses.
Just my two cents... |
Yeah me too. Hell I would love to watch a movie without his running commentary. Watching a movie when Mike is home is almost like that show Mystery Science Theater 3000 but he's not funny |
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05/12/2011 11:02:58 AM · #33 |
| Want some advice from someone who's been there? Well, here it is anyway. Tell him to get out. Period. End of discussion. You can tell your wife "he goes or I go" and it will only make problems between you two. Don't put her in the situation of having to choose. Just do it. It's your home as well as hers and you shouldn't be forced to put up with crap. I did this exact thing years ago with my husbands brother. It saved our marriage. He was mad at first, but got over it quickly when our things stopped disappearing. This is a man who even stole our daughters piggy bank. But my husband couldn't get past the part that he was his brother, no matter how far he took things. So I had to take matters into my own hands. I took a day off work and I put him out while my husband was at work, I stood over him while he packed his things (so he didn't take anything else) and took his keys. There was no warning. My husband has thanked me many times over the years for taking the decision out of his hands. |
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05/12/2011 11:04:10 AM · #34 |
Originally posted by monster-zero:
Originally posted by vawendy:
Sounds like the problem is that you're both mad at the uncle and taking it out on each other. You need to be a united front instead of 2 combatants. She might not be able to "man up" enough to deal with the uncle. Families are extremely complex, difficult things. But perhaps you guys can work out a way together to get it taken care of. Sit down, figure out what can be done, what should be done, and who is able/unable to do it? Realize that just because she should stand up to him, doesn't necessarily mean that she can. Find ways to work around the inadequacies.
She is just as frustrated as you are. Otherwise she wouldn't have reacted that way. |
I don't understand why she can't stand up to him, and gets pissed at me when I do. No one wants him here, and I don't think it's fair that we have to suffer because this idiot has screwed his own life up.
His name is Mike, and here's a small history of what I know since I've been around...
He has 2 sisters, Kelly's aunt Johnna, and her mom Loretta. Now Mike was living with Johnna when I came into the picture and married Kelly. Johhna and her husband left one time on a cruise and left Mike alone on their farm. They come home a week later and some farming equipment is missing and Mike has a big chunk of money. Could be a coincidence but then a guy shows up saying he bought a tractor from Mike and was there to pick it up. Mike was actually selling their stuff without them knowing!!! So he got booted out and almost got his ass kicked by his brother in law.
So he moves in with Loretta who reluctantly takes him in. Well her husband saves all of his change, and had about 20 HUGE jugs full of coins. So they leave for a weekend to go see family in Kansas and once again Mike is left alone. Well 5 of the jugs of change come up missing along with several guns that my father in law uses when he goes hunting and Mike once again has a huge chunk of cash and can't explain where his money came from. So he gets booted out again.
He lives on the streets a few days and comes begging Kelly to let him stay with us for a few months. Well that has turned into 5 years, he won't get a job, eats all of our food, leaves messes everywhere, bitches that we have pets, and expects us to do his laundry. The best part, is that right before Christmas of 2009 I left Kelly my debit card so she could get some money, and Mike overheard me telling her my pin code since he was in the living room with us. She left my card on my desk while I was at work and he took it and had someone take him to the casino. I had $400 left after Kelly got what she needed and by the time Mike was done I was -$500. He came home and cried that he was sorry he did that, and begged not to be kicked out. Kelly fell for it and let him stay, saying he promised to pay me back. Well I haven't got a single dime though he had a few odd jobs and made some money. He still acts like owns the place and I'm at a breaking point. This man has ripped off everyone who has tried to help him and I think he needs to go and figure out his own life instead of dragging ours down with him. I don't even want to come home anymore because of this guy and I have honestly been looking at different one bedroom apartments for myself. I came home yesterday and all the change I had on my dresser was gone because he didn't have money for cigarettes. Well sorry thats not my problem and you need to stay out of our bedroom.
I could keep going with stories about this guy, but I need to get ready for work. So if anyone wants a 60 year old man thats free to a good home, message me. |
You're right. He shouldn't be there. It's not teaching your 12 year old empathy, it's teaching the 12 year old how to scam.
Maybe if you make it about the kid instead of the uncle?
I feel for you. But it's really hard to do what's right with family. Sometimes it feels like love is easier than tough love. But letting him get away with flushing his life isn't love. But she obviously doesn't see that right now.
Kelli's right. He should be out, and if your wife can't do it, maybe you can. Tell her you are thinking of your child and your marriage. (and Kelli's gem of "don't make her choose, just do it" is a wonderful piece of advice.
Message edited by author 2011-05-12 11:07:03. |
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05/12/2011 11:05:18 AM · #35 |
Boot him. Save your marriage and your family and boot the dude out the door. Sounds like everyone always runs to bail his ass and he's never had to take any responsibility for himself.
I have (HAD) a similar family situation, and the counselor said that as long as everyone jumps when that person does something, they are keeping God from working in their life, and keeping that person from EVER having to take any responsibility for themselves. Finally took the advice, and voila, this person has a job and apartment now and hasn't called anyone in the family for money in a couple of years. My opinion, fWIW. |
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05/12/2011 12:03:56 PM · #36 |
Thanks for all the advice. I think kicking him out while she is gone is the best. She will be gone for a few days here pretty soon so that may be the time to do it.
I went into his room earlier before I came to work to reset a breaker switch and the guy is too lazy to get and use the restroom so he's been peeing in old milk cartons. He wasn't home, but I was MAD. Its seriously 10 feet from his bed to the toilet. And he has been smoking in his room which is a huge problem since our sons room is next to his and shares a vent. Our son has bad asthma so I smoke outside no matter what. This is getting to a point where if he doesn't go, then I may take Ty and he and I will go |
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05/12/2011 12:22:21 PM · #37 |
| Be really careful... if it looks like you're doing it behind her back, that could really backfire. It's hard to forgjve that. You need to be up front with her. Does she know he's not using the bathroom? |
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05/12/2011 12:22:52 PM · #38 |
Originally posted by monster-zero:
Thanks for all the advice. I think kicking him out while she is gone is the best. She will be gone for a few days here pretty soon so that may be the time to do it.
I went into his room earlier before I came to work to reset a breaker switch and the guy is too lazy to get and use the restroom so he's been peeing in old milk cartons. He wasn't home, but I was MAD. Its seriously 10 feet from his bed to the toilet. And he has been smoking in his room which is a huge problem since our sons room is next to his and shares a vent. Our son has bad asthma so I smoke outside no matter what. This is getting to a point where if he doesn't go, then I may take Ty and he and I will go |
If that was my Mother, Brother, Father, he still would be soooo out of the door!!!! No excuse for this NONE Nada, just slouthfullness! |
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05/12/2011 12:29:46 PM · #39 |
Also, change your locks. There is no reason this man should be anywhere near your house or family.
If it was me, I would go to a judge and get a restraining order put out on him. I would have also called the cops about a robbery and sent his ass to jail.
This man has gotten way to much out of you and your family already, you need him out of your life for good. |
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05/12/2011 12:35:02 PM · #40 |
oops. Posted same thing twice
Message edited by author 2011-05-12 12:37:21. |
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05/12/2011 12:38:54 PM · #41 |
Originally posted by vawendy:
Be really careful... if it looks like you're doing it behind her back, that could really backfire. It's hard to forgjve that. You need to be up front with her. Does she know he's not using the bathroom? |
Yeah I told her but she didn't say much. I know she's stressed at her job and coming home to all this sucks, but it needs to be addressed |
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05/12/2011 12:42:10 PM · #42 |
Originally posted by monster-zero:
Originally posted by vawendy:
Be really careful... if it looks like you're doing it behind her back, that could really backfire. It's hard to forgjve that. You need to be up front with her. Does she know he's not using the bathroom? |
Yeah I told her but she didn't say much. I know she's stressed at her job and coming home to all this sucks, but it needs to be addressed |
It does need to be done. I'm just saying be careful about doing it while she's gone. If she comes back and finds out about it, it will look like you've done it behind her back. Would it work if you tell her before she leaves that you're going to take care of it. It's important for your family. But this way she doesn't have to be around to see it? If she knows about it before hand, maybe she'll have the strength to say no when he goes whining to her that you kicked him out. If she doesn't know about it until after you've done it, she might feel sorry for him and you might be back in the same boat. |
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05/12/2011 01:08:33 PM · #43 |
You should pitch it to Hollywood as a reality sitcom, "Uncle Mike".
Episode 1. The boss comes over on the way to a meeting. He's thirsty, so he grabs a glass and fills it with apple juice... unaware that it is actually Uncle Mike's urine.
Episode 2. Uncle Mike visits the casino, pulling a toy wagon with 20 huge jars full of change in it.
Episode 3. Uncle Mike needs some money for smokes, so he sells a 12 year old boy to a band of gypsies.
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05/12/2011 01:35:01 PM · #44 |
Originally posted by vawendy:
Be really careful... if it looks like you're doing it behind her back, that could really backfire. |
if all of what is being posted is true, behind her back or not, I wouldn't care what my wife thought, he'd be gone, especially with the kids health. |
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05/12/2011 01:35:33 PM · #45 |
| What is your relationship with your mother in law like? She kicked Uncle Mike's ass to the curb first, bring her in to help solve this. It won't make it any easier on you, but if your wife gets angry at you for heartlessly giving Mike the boot, the blowback will be much less if her mother was in on it. May be her mother can think of some distant relatives who can put in a few years at the oars. |
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05/12/2011 01:35:39 PM · #46 |
He's done. He will not change, and there is no reason to expect even a moderate improvement.
Get rid of this plague before it destroys you.
Let me put forth the strongest argument I can:
Do this for your child, he deserves better - we learn from, and act like, those around us... You are currently teaching your son to not stand up for himself or his family, and Mike is currently teaching him far worse. Fix this now or regret it for life.
Sorry if this offends you, as that is not exactly my intent, my intent is to spur you to immediate action, don't put this off any longer, it's already been far to long.. If you believe in justice, then do your part and stop the injustice. |
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05/12/2011 03:34:55 PM · #47 |
I had someone very similar to Mike in my life once. He was constantly broke, bummed off of me, was a total slob, was constantly threatening to kill himself, etc. He's the sort of person who, if he ever won the lottery, would withing 6 weeks appear on the cover of the local tabloid crying his eyes out about how winning the lottery was the worst thing ever to happen to him...because he would have blown it all buying stuff.
Fortunately I realized that if we stayed together, he would drag me down. So I kicked him out of my life, completely severed all ties.
Mike is using you and your family, and teaching your son how to be a worthless, thieving slob like himself. He's got away with dodging responsibility for so long by the sounds of it, he expects to be taken care of.
So pull the rug out from underneath him. Get the locks changed or at the very least re-keyed when he's out. Tell him he's out, he's history, and has to fend for himself. So what if he's family? He's just abusing that position to continue to leech off of you. Unless you like being bled dry of food/money/basic contentment in your own home, you HAVE to get rid of him. Fast.
And I'd suggest too that once Mike's gone, that you sit down with your son and get tough with him too on things like sloppiness. Please don't turn into one of those mollycoddling parents who let their kids get away with murmder. Don't let him turn into Mike. |
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05/12/2011 04:39:09 PM · #48 |
There need to be a couple of "come to Jesus" meetings and the outcome should be Mike packing his stuff and going away. Now. Don't put it off, Mike needs to go, for the good of everyone, including Mike. First, you should tell your wife that Mike needs to leave...if she gives you the "but he's family..." sympathize, but hold firm that he is going to leave, for the good of everyone. You should point out (maybe in a nicer way) that his presence is effectively destroying your family. Then kick him out. Be direct. Let him know he's not welcome back. There will likely be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
If your wife is concerned about him being kicked out on the streets, offer to get Mike a cheap hotel room for a few days...pay cash and make it clear that's the last support he can expect from your family. Then stick to it. Make sure he knows where the homeless shelter is. I would also pursue a restraining order.
You should also consult a lawyer because even though he doesn't pay rent, depending on where you live, he may be considered a tenant, which means you may have to formally evict him. I've heard horror stories about scenarios like this, you could be screwed...at least for a while.
I could see letting him stay 5 days, or even 5 weeks, but he's more than worn out his welcome. I seriously don't know how you could put up with it for that long, family or not. |
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05/12/2011 05:47:48 PM · #49 |
Thing is though, I don't see Mike packing his stuff himself; he's too damn lazy. Frankly Mike is incredibly lucky. He's essentially a street person who has a roof over his head. I worked with street people in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside, the very poorest neighbourhood in all of Canada, so I've seen several Mikes do their thing. Over and over and over again. That's how I was able to spot it so quickly with my own version of Mike and kicekd him out, sharpish.
Bet you anything that he would *ahem* 'accidentally' include some of your stuff, too. If possible get him out of the house for a few hours, then toss out everything of his on the front lawn into a nice big heap. Get the locks changed. When he returns home, tell him he's out, and that's it. Call a cab to take him to cheapest fleabag motel around; settle with the cabbie up front so Mike doesn't have any money. Give him only enough $$ to last him a couple days. Then send him on his way. And he is not allowed back inside the house, ever again, no matter what. Because guess what, he'll come up with some sob story and apply the thumbscrews yet again and worm his way back in. And before you know it you're back where you started.
And as for the 'But he's family...' argument...you know what? Mike ruined his own life, through his own doing (though I'd bet you he'll tell you it's not his fault, he's had a hard life, blahblahblah...) so he has no problem whatsoever ruining anyone else's, family or otherwise. Huge kudos to you for sticking with this familial hot potato for so long, but now it's time for him to go. And yes, I'd also go for the restraining order.
Good luck, keep us posted! |
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05/12/2011 06:02:16 PM · #50 |
Originally posted by vawendy:
Be really careful... if it looks like you're doing it behind her back, that could really backfire. It's hard to forgjve that. You need to be up front with her. Does she know he's not using the bathroom? |
I did it behind my husbands back, and he was glad. We had fought about it over and over for months to the point I was ready to take our daughter and leave. I was so sick of hearing "but he's family, he's my brother". After much thought I decided I wasn't letting his brother ruin our marriage or my life any longer. My husband got over it real quick. I will mention though, it's been 18 years since they've spoken. His brother hasn't changed. He left the state and moved to Florida where he's been in and out of jail. |
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