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12/16/2009 06:40:07 AM · #1 |
Can you tell I've been cleaning out old e-mails?
This is the best of all the jokes I saved.....
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover that he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. Jack takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . Priceless
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12/16/2009 07:47:27 AM · #2 |
| LOL... thank you Jeb, really nice... now I'm translating for my workmates... |
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12/16/2009 08:45:41 AM · #3 |
Well, what joke thread is complete with just one joke...
A man walks into the drug store and walks up to the pharmacist.
"Excuse me ma'am, could I get some Viagra tablets cut into quarters?"
"Oh dear sir I'm sorry, but I don't think a quarter of a Viagra will give you an erection."
"An erection? Lady, I am 96 years old. I don't want an erection. I just want it to stick out a little bit so I stop peeing on my slippers."
ETA: Fixed incorrectly spelled words
Message edited by author 2009-12-16 10:39:27. |
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12/16/2009 08:53:32 AM · #4 |
Originally posted by CEJ:
Well, what joke thread is complete with just one joke...
A man walks into the drug store and walks up to the pharmacist.
"Excuse me ma'am, could I get some Viagara tablets cut into quarters?"
"Oh dear sir I'm sorry, but I don't think a quarter of a Viagara will give you an erection."
"An erection? Lady, I am 96 years old. I don't want an erection. I just want it to stick out a little bit so I stop peeing on my slippers." |
i am not joking but this is from morning.
Some sadist has put pamela anderson's nude at the entrance of toilet. Every time i go there there i get erection. I can't pee. This is terrible.
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12/17/2009 07:56:32 AM · #5 |
Originally posted by zxaar:
i am not joking but this is from morning.
Some sadist has put pamela anderson's nude at the entrance of toilet. Every time i go there there i get erection. I can't pee. This is terrible. |
That was way more information then I needed. |
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12/17/2009 08:14:55 AM · #6 |
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the Hot-dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything. |
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12/17/2009 08:21:52 AM · #7 |
Originally posted by david1707:
Originally posted by zxaar:
i am not joking but this is from morning.
Some sadist has put pamela anderson's nude at the entrance of toilet. Every time i go there there i get erection. I can't pee. This is terrible. |
That was way more information then I needed. |
domp take it literally, remember it is a jokes thread. |
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12/17/2009 11:41:15 AM · #8 |
| Don't worry, I didn't. I hope you eventually made it past Pamela. At least they didn't put it on the inside of the stall. |
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05/08/2010 09:19:17 AM · #9 |
I took my uncle to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My uncle kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my uncle , I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Message edited by author 2010-05-08 09:19:52.
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05/08/2010 10:14:25 AM · #10 |
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death. |
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05/08/2010 10:21:33 AM · #11 |
The Hairdresser
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called este." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?" |
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05/08/2010 09:28:17 PM · #12 |
| A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!" |
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05/08/2010 09:49:56 PM · #13 |
A man takes his grandson fishing.
After about a half hour, the old man opens his ice chest, pops open a beer, takes a big gulp and goes, "Ahhhhh". His grandson watches and asks, "Hey grandad. Can I have one of those beers?". The man asks the boy, "Can you touch the tip of your peter to your butthole?". The boy says, "No." Grandad says, "Then your not big enough."
Little while later, the man opens up his pack of smokes, lites one up, takes a drag and goes, "Ahhhh".
Boy: "Hey Grandad. Can I have one of those cigarettes?"
Man: "Can you touch the tip of your peter to your butthole?"
Boy: "No."
Man: "Then you ain't old enough."
Time passes and the boy pulls out a bag of oatmeal cookies and takes a bite of one and goes, "Ahhhh"
Man: "Say young fella. Can I have one of those cookies?"
Boy: "Can you touch the tip of your peter to your butthole?"
Man: "As a matter of fact, I can."
Boy: "Then go f**k yourself! These are MY cookies!"
8-D
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05/09/2010 01:01:04 AM · #14 |
In honor of Mother's Day......
So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother’s Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack’s . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said “chapped.” Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right–their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn’t seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat’s behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother’s Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they’ve been using your chapstick on the cat’s butt.
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05/09/2010 01:58:45 AM · #15 |
Originally posted by MichaelC:
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the Hot-dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything. |
The Buddhist gave the vendor a five and stuck his hand out expecting his change. When the vendor declined the Buddhist said "What about my change?".
The vendor replied: "Change must come from within"
Message edited by author 2010-05-09 01:59:26. |
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05/21/2010 08:54:12 AM · #16 |
| For all those men who say, "why marry the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you! Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig for a little sausage!!!! Have a Good Friday Everyone ;) |
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05/21/2010 09:37:43 AM · #17 |
Originally posted by Kelli:
For all those men who say, "why marry the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you! Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig for a little sausage!!!! Have a Good Friday Everyone ;) |
:) |
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05/21/2010 11:28:58 AM · #18 |
| Oh, Kelli....ZING x10! :) |
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05/21/2010 11:29:54 AM · #19 |
| hehe. that made me chuckle. gotta remember that one |
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05/21/2010 11:33:23 AM · #20 |
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2010- Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .......
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.
3. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.
4. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
7. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
8. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way...
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06/19/2010 03:33:36 PM · #21 |
Here's one of those forwarded emails I got today. The last one gave me a chuckle...
proofreading is a dying art in the Headlines dept.
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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06/21/2011 06:06:14 PM · #22 |
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
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