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09/09/2009 08:17:27 PM · #1 |
I'm hoping this may spark all y'all's memories for funnies you've heard; I just had to pass this along.
I met a new friend on the Boardwalk in Atlantic City.....his name was Maurice, and he is one of the regulars there with his cup, wheelchair, and despite what I'd consider to be a pretty challenging physical debility, one heck of a sunny attitude.
I'm not a big one for just dropping change in a cup and moving on, so I dropped a buck in his cup and sat down to see what his case was.
He's a bright, cheery, and funny guy who was glad to have a stranger just set a spell and talk to him. We ran the normal gamut of weather, how ya doin', and the like, and the conversation, naturally, turned to photography. We chatted about that a little, he remarked that I had quite a setup, and then he related a discussion that he had with a friend of his the other day.
It went something like this, apparently......
"Hey, Maurice, you know where I can get film for my Polaroid????"
"Yeah!........1970!"
I almost hurt something laughing!
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09/09/2009 08:34:33 PM · #2 |
| Maurice is a wise man. Perhaps he also knows where I can get some kodachrome and disc film? |
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09/09/2009 09:00:53 PM · #3 |
Originally posted by NikonJeb:
"Hey, Maurice, you know where I can get film for my Polaroid????"
"Yeah!........1970!" |
That's hilarious -- thanks for sharing the story. |
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09/09/2009 09:27:16 PM · #4 |
My favourite comedian was Mitch Hedburg. Here is what I can remember of his:
I got my hair highlighted once, because I thought some strands were more important than others.
I am against picketing, but I dont know how to show it.
Rice is good.... when your hungry, and want to eat 2000 of something.
I wish I could play little league now. Iâd be way better than before.
I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, Iâll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. Theyâre relentless.
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, Iâll just get a tan instead.
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We canât tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.
Iâm sick of following my dreams. Iâm just going to ask them where theyâre going and hook up with them later.
And, for the DPC crowd:
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. âHereâs a picture of me when I was younger.â Every picture of you is when you were younger. Hereâs a picture of me when Iâm older. Howâd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.
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09/09/2009 10:36:28 PM · #5 |
Originally posted by VitaminB:
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. âHereâs a picture of me when I was younger.â Every picture of you is when you were younger. Hereâs a picture of me when Iâm older. Howâd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. |
that's funny. reminds me of just yesterday as i was listening to the radio and the announcer came on with a traffic update to let us know about "some previous accidents in the area". Really? what we need is a report on the future ones. |
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09/10/2009 12:16:47 AM · #6 |
My favorite one liner guy is Steven Wright:
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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09/10/2009 01:09:00 AM · #7 |
I think this was one of Steve Wright's:
That's the last time I go to donate blood at Dr. Acula's. |
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09/10/2009 07:38:00 AM · #8 |
Originally posted by chromeydome:
My favorite one liner guy is Steven Wright:
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? |
Steven Wright is my hero.
If I grow up, I wanna be just like him.....
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
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