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01/27/2009 06:37:09 PM · #676 |
| bahahahahaha i like that one |
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01/29/2009 11:33:21 AM · #677 |
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE,
NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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02/10/2009 11:30:16 AM · #678 |
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So,she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car. |
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02/19/2009 01:19:51 AM · #679 |
Got this in today's joke mail:
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did ''they'' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Military specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses. |
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02/24/2009 02:32:07 PM · #680 |
2 jokes I got from my car forum this morning
Why I fired my secretary
Yesterday was my birthday. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy birthday! " and possibly have a present for me. She barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday."I thought "Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember." My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning, Boss, and by the way, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday. What do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said "Thanks, Jane, that's the best thing I've heard all day." We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Jane said "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we? I responded "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back. "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there on the couch..........naked!
Another Joke
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend ? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and commit my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, & if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.
"I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes & threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment,then turned & went straight to the front door. I opened the door & stepped out of the house & walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. "Welcome to the family!"........The moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
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02/24/2009 03:05:01 PM · #681 |
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. When the wife returned there was a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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02/24/2009 04:57:44 PM · #682 |
Originally posted by digitalpins:
2 jokes I got from my car forum this morning
Why I fired my secretary
And I just sat there on the couch..........naked!
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So, he changed into his birthday suit.... ;-Ã
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02/25/2009 02:59:36 PM · #683 |
From today's email:
"Everybody wants to save the Earth, nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes."
Message edited by author 2009-02-25 14:59:51. |
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02/26/2009 02:00:03 PM · #684 |
Received from: Marty
The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late, but don't have to pay taxes, naturally, nobody wants to live any other way.
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03/01/2009 04:43:03 PM · #685 |
I hope you are all wearing your good christian panties today. ;)
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04/17/2009 03:52:16 PM · #686 |
| Walking into a noisy classroom, the teacher slapped her hand on the desk loudly and ordered sharply: "I demand pandemonium!" The class quieted down immediately. "You see, it isn't what you demand," explained the teacher, "so much as it is the way in which you demand it." |
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07/24/2009 03:24:54 AM · #687 |
Probably politically incorrect, but what the hey...
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian, and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the cooks are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it is all organized by the Italians. |
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07/24/2009 06:49:10 AM · #688 |
I think I hurt myself laughing!......8>)
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08/01/2009 03:06:56 PM · #689 |
Although reporters were kept well out of earshot from the recent White House "BrewHaHa" summit, the crack team of operatives at NPR's Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me! was able to lip-read a significant portion of the conversation, a transcipt of which reads approximately:
Professor Gates: You expect me to drink this swill?
Sergeant Crowley: Hey bro, if you don't want it I'll take it.
Vice President Biden: Have you ever heard me burp the entire alphabet?
President Obama: YES! |
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09/14/2009 04:01:24 PM · #690 |
| In recognition of Britains recent revision in its view of the father of modern computer science, I thought it might be appropriate to re-post this article I wrote some time ago (note the excellent Photoshopping!) ... |
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09/14/2009 06:01:46 PM · #691 |
For the Aussies ;P
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said âCan I help you?â
âYesâ she said, âI'd like to report a case of sexual assaultâ.
âWhere did it happen?â the Sergeant asked.
âIn the park just down the roadâ she replied.
âCan you describe what happened?â
âYes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with meâ.
âCould you give me a description of him?â
âYes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each legâ.
âSounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsmanâ, said the Sergeant.
âYesâ, said the lady, âHe was an Aussie Cricketerâ.
âThat's very observantâ, said the Sergeant, âYou worked that out from his accent?â
âNoâ, she replied. âI worked it out because he wasn't in for very longâ.
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09/14/2009 07:13:19 PM · #692 |
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09/14/2009 10:44:46 PM · #693 |
That's really, really sad.....
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09/15/2009 12:12:37 AM · #694 |
Originally posted by rinac:
For the Aussies ;P
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said âCan I help you?â
âYesâ she said, âI'd like to report a case of sexual assaultâ.
âWhere did it happen?â the Sergeant asked.
âIn the park just down the roadâ she replied.
âCan you describe what happened?â
âYes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with meâ.
âCould you give me a description of him?â
âYes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each legâ.
âSounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsmanâ, said the Sergeant.
âYesâ, said the lady, âHe was an Aussie Cricketerâ.
âThat's very observantâ, said the Sergeant, âYou worked that out from his accent?â
âNoâ, she replied. âI worked it out because he wasn't in for very longâ. |
She is quite an experienced woman.
Anyway i am glad she did not visit England , their batsman take even less time on pitch. |
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09/15/2009 12:51:23 AM · #695 |
Originally posted by NikonJeb:
That's really, really sad..... |
Why? The carrier pigeon still has employment.
;-) |
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11/24/2009 01:26:05 PM · #696 |
THE BLACK BRA
The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
engaged, one is a mistress and of course, I have been married for
20+years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels
and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to
exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me
wearing the black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me
and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
love all night long!
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the black leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes
and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word but we
had wild sex all night!
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing
the black leather bra and bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a
mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he
said... "What's for dinner, Batman?"
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09/10/2010 03:09:23 PM · #697 |
Now that's gotta hurt . .
leapfrog
But you still have to laugh . . |
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09/10/2010 06:27:17 PM · #698 |
Originally posted by Jedusi:
Now that's gotta hurt . .
leapfrog
But you still have to laugh . . |
Yup -- good way to separate a shoulder (worse than a dislocation). However, we needed this thread to be bumped to the front page, so giving it any kind of kick-start is appreciated ... :-) |
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09/10/2010 06:29:38 PM · #699 |
Originally posted by Jedusi:
Now that's gotta hurt . .
leapfrog
But you still have to laugh . . |
That exact thing happend to me :-( ahaha |
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09/21/2010 05:46:45 AM · #700 |
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner. Talk about dyson with death.
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