| Author | Thread |
|
|
12/10/2008 03:44:35 PM · #26 |
sheesh...
can't us gals exchange advise w/o angry old men calling it dysfunctional. None of us would be married right now, if we tossed out our hubbies when they lost their minds about something. |
|
|
|
12/10/2008 03:48:36 PM · #27 |
Originally posted by cynthiann:
sheesh...
can't us gals exchange advise w/o angry old men calling it dysfunctional. None of us would be married right now, if we tossed out our hubbies when they lost their minds about something. |
I'm sure there's a "gals advice exchange" forum somewhere if you're looking for enablers support. |
|
|
|
12/10/2008 03:56:56 PM · #28 |
OK, for once I am going to try and be serious here.
I have two kids, my eldest is 11 (Ricky) and my step-son, my youngest (Abigail) is 4 and my biological daughter (to use an awful clinical term), but for all wants and purposes they are my kids.
When Angela and I first got together (Ricky was age 3.5) she didnt try to introduce me as `daddy`, it was always Mark. Dad was on the scene and for most parts was pretty reliable and VERY good with him, which could of made things a lot harder - more on that later though.
I remember the first time I had to discipline Ricky was when we was on our first holiday and he got very out of hand and I could see Ange was losing her temper, so basically I took over, it involved a bit of a raised voice and sending him to bed early. Afterwards Angela and I talked about it and she admitted it was very hard for her to just sit back and watch me discipline her child but had to bite her tongue and let me get on with it. Now for the next few months there was a power-tussle between Ricky & I for Alpha-dog status, and I must admit at times I found myself losing my temper big time, many times feeling it would be easier just to jack in the relationship and move on. :(
Now, the biggest problem we faced was dishing out punishments, however due to the access Dad had to Ricky (which wasnt a bad thing) it was hard to dish out a punishment and make it stick for any length of time as when he went round Dads he basically could get away with what he wanted. Like I said, its not a slur on Rickys Dad, it was just the boundaries were a lot slacker around there than there were at home. So eventually me & Dad had a chat and had to reach an agreement where regardless if Dad thought any punishments dished out were too harsh or unjust he would carry them on round his house, and all credit to Dad he actually stuck to it (and still does) and vice versa. This also had the added effect of Ricky seeing a united front at both homes and realising that he couldn't play us off against each other (trust me, young kids know how to do this very well). Now, more importantly the same HAD to apply at home between Angela & I, if you start arguing over a decision in front of the child then they will learn from that and you will get a whole heap of other problems. By all means, we discussed it afterwards out of earshot of Ricky, but we always showed a united front.
Nowdays everything is cool, he knows I am Alphadog in the house, he knows he cant play Angela, Dad & I off against each other, he knows we all talk to each other, and likewise we have a pretty darn good homelife.
At this point I will refer to the incident of the tit-for-tat approach your other half was going to take. It was probably a knee-jerk reaction because he knows that it would provoke upset in your child, but he was probably so fraustrated at this point and didnt know how to react - I am not making it right, but I dont think `revenge` was on his mind at all.
Bear in mind it is hard being a step-dad and trying to pick up where the other father left off - it is sometimes quite lonely and frightening as well, very hard to put into words, and definitely a thankless task for most parts, I know no-one is forcing him to do it, but it takes a special kind of person to take on that responsibility and stick with it. Tell him you felt he overstepped the mark and it must never happen again. BUT, tell him that you let your little`un and Teddy-teddy have a cuddle because believe me, the youngun will defintely want to score a point off him by letting that little bit of info spill out, its the way kids are made. He will feel undermined and you will have set a precedent with your child, its natural to want to give your child everything and just make them happy, but in the long run a few days upset will lead to a more harmonious life.
Ignore spazmo and his comment about counselling - he is basing his opinion on one incident that was so out of character you felt compelled to post it here for some advice or maybe just the chance to get it off your chest, sometimes it helps doesnt it?
Message edited by author 2008-12-10 16:01:58. |
|
|
|
12/10/2008 04:09:15 PM · #29 |
Originally posted by Simms:
...Ignore spazmo ... |
hehe. :-)
Simms, for such a bastard, you can be a pretty decent guy sometimes. ;-)
|
|
|
|
12/10/2008 04:31:10 PM · #30 |
thanks simms..
We've talked about it we got it straight. mom remains alfadog over all..lol jk
it was kinda like you said.. overacting reaction over a hole in a house were about to move out of and sell.. it wasn't at all being "mean" to the baby.
I wasn't really paing much mind to anyone suggesting I needed counciling... and beside's why pay someone to tell my problems to when i can easily post it on here and get sooooo many professional opinions.. :) |
|
|
|
12/10/2008 04:34:06 PM · #31 |
Originally posted by Strikeslip:
Originally posted by Simms:
...Ignore spazmo ... |
hehe. :-)
Simms, for such a bastard, you can be a pretty decent guy sometimes. ;-) |
Angela? is that you? |
|
|
|
12/10/2008 04:44:41 PM · #32 |
Whatever...
If you don't want feedback, don't stand on the rooftop and shout "Here's my dysfunction!"
|
|
|
|
12/10/2008 04:52:01 PM · #33 |
Originally posted by Spazmo99:
Whatever...
If you don't want feedback, don't stand on the rooftop and shout "Here's my dysfunction!" |
Well... if you don't want feedback on your feedback.... ;-)
|
|
|
|
12/10/2008 06:40:41 PM · #34 |
| Hey, was I Yanko'd here? :( |
|
|
|
12/10/2008 07:16:19 PM · #35 |
Being a step dad is hell.....Then they say "I love you" and it's all good.
|
|
|
|
12/10/2008 07:30:35 PM · #36 |
I am not a parent. However I used to spend a lot of time on Usenet in alt.parenting.spanking debating and counseling parents about child rearing issues. I haven't done that in years however so forgive me if I am a little rusty on the subject. Anyone is welcome to correct any facts I have wrong about the situation in this thread.
I believe it is a good sign that the OP spoke out about what was going on. She clearly understands the situation is or was unacceptable and needed correction. This is much better than the parents I have met who believe everything is perfect and refuse even the suggestion that something might be wrong.
To Photomom:
I understand that this was a one time instance of this type of situation and the suggestion of counseling was probably a little premature however not completely off base if I may be so direct.
Counseling can help bridge gaps in communication between family members. Counseling isn't there to "fix" things, only a family can do that, they just provide a medium in a controlled environment where it can be done calmly and safely while pointing out things each member may not notice or realize.
Seeking counseling certainly does NOT mean your family is screwed up or that you guys are bad parents. It doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong either. Families face no end of problems both large and small, it is part of life. Usually those problems can be clearly seen but sometimes they can't.
Again I am not trying to pressure you into this, it has to be you and dad who decide if and when outside help is needed to clear things up. In a way, you have already done that by coming here and asking for our insights into this specific situation. There is a lot we cannot tell you however not having met your family in person, so it falls on some of us to assume what lay in the gaps.
I hope that you will continue to be open with yourself, your family, and with others when you feel something isn't right. There is no instruction manual about running family, mistakes get made, hopefully they are learned from and everyone moves on quickly to the next challenge. The only unforgivable mistake that can be made in any situation is refusing to ask for help when things aren't working.
I wish you and yours the very best Monica and remember that all of us are here for you should you ever want to chat further. We may not all agree with each other but I think we all do care. :)
|
|
|
|
12/10/2008 07:41:39 PM · #37 |
Mr/Ms Togtog knows what he/she is talking about.
OP, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You guys will be just fine.
edit to give her two shoulders instead of one
Message edited by author 2008-12-10 19:42:30. |
|
|
|
12/10/2008 11:31:29 PM · #38 |
Thank you for all of the useful advice. I don't think i will be seeking professional help over this issue which was resolved within 24 hours of it happening.. just wanted to rant about it..
seeing this is one of the only issues we have had ine the years we have been co-parenting I'm thinking were doing pretty good without counceling althogh thiank your for your concerns in offering the suggestions of going.
I'm pretty sure seeing that is what my degree revolves around, I can manage most of our "issues" that may arise.
to the user who stated about my son being out of control.. I'm to lazy to go back an see who it was. he's 4.. hitting the terrible two's 2 years too late.. and he's a boy. which to anyone with a toddler.. they are a handfull. now mix that with a stubborn personality and you have a boy who tests you constantly. on top of having two parents with ADHD.. I've got a long road ahead.. i didn't mean for it to sound as though i can't control my child, I just choose in my parenting style to take things away for punishment rather than reach for a belt or raise my hand. I'd rather teach them what ever it was you said i was teaching him by taking things away than to teach him it's okay to hit. now granted there are things that he does get spakins for, IE running away from me in a parking lot, biting his sister, or something that is dangerous, |
|
|
|
12/10/2008 11:34:53 PM · #39 |
I'm starting a new business: "Toddler Tasers" - a slightly higher powered version of the law enforcement units.
Taking early orders. Get them while they last. |
|
|
|
12/10/2008 11:50:04 PM · #40 |
Originally posted by Art Roflmao:
I'm starting a new business: "Toddler Tasers" - a slightly higher powered version of the law enforcement units.
Taking early orders. Get them while they last. |
i'll take 2 please, do they make them in step dad voltage? |
|
|
|
12/11/2008 09:34:24 AM · #41 |
Originally posted by Art Roflmao:
I'm starting a new business: "Toddler Tasers" - a slightly higher powered version of the law enforcement units.
Taking early orders. Get them while they last. |
Lol, do you carry Teen Tasers too? I could use one of those.... |
|
|
|
12/12/2008 11:53:40 AM · #42 |
Originally posted by Photomom1981:
dad attempted to get my son's teddy teddy and cut it up with sissors... |
I'm just reading this thread, so my apologies if this has been dealt with. This is wrong is so many ways.
If I could be so bold as to recommend Don't Shoot The Dog (The Art of Teaching Training). It goes over positive and negative re-enforcement. When to use it and when not to.
(Husband and Father of 3 boys) |
|
|
|
12/12/2008 12:06:55 PM · #43 |
Originally posted by Nullix:
Originally posted by Photomom1981:
dad attempted to get my son's teddy teddy and cut it up with sissors... |
I'm just reading this thread, so my apologies if this has been dealt with. This is wrong is so many ways.
If I could be so bold as to recommend Don't Shoot The Dog (The Art of Teaching Training). It goes over positive and negative re-enforcement. When to use it and when not to.
(Husband and Father of 3 boys) |
Don't suggest that anything is wrong or that they should seek help in any way. That's way out of line. Evidently, in this universe terrorizing your 4 year old stepson is evidence that the guy is a great step-dad. |
|
Home -
Challenges -
Community -
League -
Photos -
Cameras -
Lenses -
Learn -
Help -
Terms of Use -
Privacy -
Top ^
DPChallenge, and website content and design, Copyright © 2001-2025 Challenging Technologies, LLC.
All digital photo copyrights belong to the photographers and may not be used without permission.
Current Server Time: 08/27/2025 07:00:30 AM EDT.
