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12/11/2008 02:25:43 AM · #651 |
I dont know who is the author. I received this image by email, and wanted to share it here
Message edited by author 2008-12-11 02:27:39. |
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12/11/2008 04:24:26 AM · #652 |
For all 'Skippy' fans everywhere . . a chance to see him in a whole new light :- )
//www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4UY-Vjmjn8
//www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM5EYFZPX1o |
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12/11/2008 11:44:25 PM · #653 |
Originally posted by TrollMan:
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It was after this event that  Judi gave up her beloved but irrevocably damaged film camera and swore off short focal length lenses forever. She dyed her hair a "fresh-roo-blood" red, and dressed exclusively in 'roo and wallaby leather garments. She has not been troubled by these vile creatures since........ |
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12/12/2008 04:16:17 PM · #654 |
A priest is walking home on a cold day, and along the way he sees a small child on a front porch. The child is jumping up, trying to reach the doorbell, with no luck.
The priest walks up to the porch, smiles at the child and rings the doorbell. The child just stares at him, wide-eyed.
The priest says "Now what?"
The child says "Now we run like hell!" |
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12/12/2008 08:09:40 PM · #655 |
Manager Jargon Mastery
c'mon people, let's Proactively Leverage Our Synergies to Enhance Stakeholder Value! |
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12/16/2008 07:56:51 PM · #656 |
Just received this story over an e-mail. It's one of the best I've read for a long time. I thought I'd share:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,'
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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12/16/2008 08:24:08 PM · #657 |
Originally posted by rjkstesch:
Just received this story over an e-mail. It's one of the best I've read for a long time. I thought I'd share:........ |
OMG Im dam near peeing my pants from laughing so hard, today I really needed that, thanks :) |
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12/19/2008 05:55:56 PM · #658 |
A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog.
He picks up his dog and starts swinging him around in circles above his head.
The bartender asks, "What the heck are you doing?"
"Oh I was just taking a look around."
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12/20/2008 11:28:28 AM · #659 |
Ladies, does your hubby or boyfriend give you thoughtless gifts? Men, are you clueless as to what constitutes a thoughtless gift? Wind up in the doghouse often? This is for you...
The doghouse
Message edited by author 2008-12-20 11:29:13. |
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12/20/2008 11:52:12 AM · #660 |
Originally posted by BAMartin:
Ladies, does your hubby or boyfriend give you thoughtless gifts? Men, are you clueless as to what constitutes a thoughtless gift? Wind up in the doghouse often? This is for you...
The doghouse |
OMG...hilarious...I've never seen it and I WORK for JCP, lol! |
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12/20/2008 12:14:39 PM · #661 |
Originally posted by bergiekat:
Originally posted by BAMartin:
Ladies, does your hubby or boyfriend give you thoughtless gifts? Men, are you clueless as to what constitutes a thoughtless gift? Wind up in the doghouse often? This is for you...
The doghouse |
OMG...hilarious...I've never seen it and I WORK for JCP, lol! |
So I should be good with the new tripod I got for my wife? ;p
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12/20/2008 01:12:53 PM · #662 |
Received from: Frank
The Deer Hunter
Gazing at the calendar, again it's that time of year, Preparing the equipment I use, in my quest for wary deer. Each year it gets harder to track down and spot, One with a bigger rack, than the one I've already got.
It's a lot of hard work, tramping the woods to find A quiet secluded spot to set up my hidden blind. Following the many trails, hours turn into a day, But I finally find a place, where a deer I can waylay.
Tomorrow I'll come back, and my blind I'll set up, Hoping by then, that this rain will finally let up. Every thing's ready, and now the time has come, To go to my blind, and the deer to hide from.
I stumble thru the woods, my way I have to fight, To be in position and ready, before days first light. I try to be quiet, not to make too much sound, But the trail is slick, a light snow covers the ground.
Finally in position, over the side to look I lean, There in front of me, the biggest buck I've ever seen. He stood tall and straight, with a near perfect rack, As my camera clicked, into the trees he ran back. |
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12/20/2008 01:21:31 PM · #663 |
Originally posted by GeneralE:
Received from: Frank
The Deer Hunter
Gazing at the calendar, again it's that time of year, Preparing the equipment I use, in my quest for wary deer. Each year it gets harder to track down and spot, One with a bigger rack, than the one I've already got.
It's a lot of hard work, tramping the woods to find A quiet secluded spot to set up my hidden blind. Following the many trails, hours turn into a day, But I finally find a place, where a deer I can waylay.
Tomorrow I'll come back, and my blind I'll set up, Hoping by then, that this rain will finally let up. Every thing's ready, and now the time has come, To go to my blind, and the deer to hide from.
I stumble thru the woods, my way I have to fight, To be in position and ready, before days first light. I try to be quiet, not to make too much sound, But the trail is slick, a light snow covers the ground.
Finally in position, over the side to look I lean, There in front of me, the biggest buck I've ever seen. He stood tall and straight, with a near perfect rack, As my camera clicked, into the trees he ran back. |
thats cute:) |
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12/22/2008 09:06:09 PM · #664 |
| A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup." |
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12/24/2008 11:20:16 AM · #665 |
My nephew Travis brought his school photo home and showed it to his mother. "Travis, I thought I told you to take off your jacket before having your picture taken," she complained. "And you didn't even smile. In fact it looks as if you were talking while the picture was being taken."
"I was talking," Travis replied. "I was telling the photographer my mom wanted me to take off my jacket before I had my picture taken." |
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12/24/2008 11:28:57 AM · #666 |
Thank you so much for posting that...Hahahahaha! |
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12/26/2008 03:26:30 PM · #667 |
Received from: Lulu
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter.
The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
================================
The three words most feared by the American male: Some Assembly Required |
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12/26/2008 04:14:51 PM · #668 |
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12/26/2008 04:18:54 PM · #669 |
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call
spouse in from garden to help.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just
visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's
mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece
of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat
to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for the vet to make a housecall. |
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12/29/2008 02:55:11 PM · #670 |
Received from: Barry
In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running. |
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01/09/2009 07:01:23 PM · #671 |
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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01/21/2009 07:49:55 PM · #672 |
Here it is.
The answer to the question we have all been hearing and asking for so many years..
And the answer is....
YES!
[thumb]758515[/thumb]
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01/21/2009 08:27:55 PM · #673 |
| Looks like a fire or logging road to me ... :-) |
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01/21/2009 10:26:17 PM · #674 |
where else would a beer shit ?
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01/27/2009 06:23:53 PM · #675 |
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He
gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at
the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.' . .
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