parenting of stepdads...grrrrrrrrr

12/09/2008 11:46:26 PM · #1

someone please give me some insight to the whole step-parent discipline issues.. I'm laid back mom, bust butts when needed. Dad is mr, my daddy was stern so i'm going to be too. someone out there please tell this gets better with time right? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Katmystiry

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

Canon EF 85mm f/1.8 USM

12/09/2008 11:54:03 PM · #2

As a step parent you aren't suppose to do the discipline .. the real parent gets that chore .. if he doesn't do it right you talk in private and if he still doesn't do it right (in your eyes) you grin, bear it and pray!

12/09/2008 11:55:52 PM · #3

no no I'm the real parent, and he does do the correcting too. he has been in their lived since my oldest was 1 1/2 and my son a few months. their real father is a dead beat and not around he hasn't seen or talked to them in over a year. they are now 5 and will be 4 on x-mas day

12/09/2008 11:58:35 PM · #4

oh yeah.. the event of the day that caused the stress, the almost 4 year old took a stick from his chalk board easle, and while I was in the shower thought it was a good idea to beat the wall and bust a whole the size of my fist in... i busted some butt, needless to say
dad attempted to get my son's teddy teddy and cut it up with sissors... this was not acceptable with me and we ended up getting in a fight, I did save teddy Teddy.
my son goes no where without his teddy, he's had it since he was 2 weeks old. yes he destroyed a wall in our home, but thats his teddy teddy...

Katmystiry

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

Canon EF 85mm f/1.8 USM

12/09/2008 11:59:33 PM · #5

My hubby has been raising my daughter (with me) since she was 4 .. he still does not do the discipline .. I do and if he doesn't like something she is or is not doing we talk about it and I handle it. (deadbeat dad here too)

Canon EF 28-135mm f/3.5-5.6 IS USM

12/10/2008 12:06:46 AM · #6

at first thats how it was, they are my kids, my rules, my spaking, my, my my.. but we are in this together. it is not just "my" anymore it is ours. he treats them as they were his own. he has from the day I allwed him to meet my kids. I look around at people I know personally who have step children and thank god each day that our household is not like that. they critisize the others kids, show favorites, insult, it's horrible. my husband doesn't do this, and is AMAZING with the kids. they call him Daddy cause he is all they know, they have a daddy and then they have "daddy charles" which is thies bio. father, but they don't ever talk about him, ask about him.. nothing anymore about 3 months ago my daughter asked what ever happened to that charles guy they used to see.. just to give some insight on their thought of thier own father.. this is all on their doing.
my husband was always said as " Mr. Chase" and the hannah picked up calling him daddy from the kids at school saying hannah your daddy's here.. and I corrected it for a while, then after we married i quit and figured what ever they wanted to call him they could.

Katmystiry

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

Canon EF 85mm f/1.8 USM

12/10/2008 12:24:27 AM · #7

We can't change the way we do things, he has 2 from a previous marriage and it is a horrible situation (putting it mildly) so our rules remain, he disciplines his and I discipline mine. My daughter loves my hubby, he is her dad (despite the sperm donor) .. his kids are taught to hate the evil step-mom .. yes we have 2 worlds in one home. I believe because how we make it work is the only reason it works. We have no kids of our own, never will (whew) but we love each others like they are our own, we just have some boundaries in place to make it all work.

TCGuru

Canon EOS-40D

12/10/2008 12:40:43 AM · #8

From someone that is coming from exactly your shoes, Monica, if I disagreed with something my husband was about to do to our children, I would very calmly ask him to come into another room with me. Then, discuss it rationally, without arguing so you both have time to cool down and not make rash decisions (like cutting up the toy).

After you reach a mutual decision, something in this case might be like: Make him do without the bear for a few days (Dad's solution) so every time he thinks about it or reaches for it for a couple of days, he remembers what he did... not to totally destroy the bear (Mom's solution).

You both, mutually, would get exactly what you wanted and the child would learn that if you destroy something, you have to do without in order for it to be fixed. He will probably not see what you and your husband have to do without in order to pay for the repair in the wall but he will learn either way.

BUT, it is also important to explain to your child that you both sat down and talked it over. Your child is 4, he will understand this. He will also learn that to settle an argument you have to be calm and talk; not fight.

Don't ever let the kids see you undermine his authority. They will lose respect for him.

Took us about 5 years before we gained this knowledge :) Passing it on in the hopes the rest of yours will be easier than ours were :)

12/10/2008 12:47:48 AM · #9

WEre pretty good about not fighting in front of them, thats my LAW in the house.granted it has happened a handfull of times but you can count it on one hand.

thats actually what we settled on, the bear is gone for 1 week. although since dad works most nights this week.. mom is getting punished too and thats not fair.. I am the one who will have the 4 yr old crying and screaming for his teddy teddy.. dad won't e here to listen to it.. so in the end I am punished too, but teddy is still in one peice..

I think I am attahed to the damn bear as much as he is.. when teddy went MIA for 2 weeks a while back I think I cried just as much.. haha

we discuss most that goes on then settle it, but this took me gabbing a suitcase packing it and heading out the door with the kids to get it to that point.. yeah.. not a fun night.. and I thought for the most we had this settled, but with the hole in the wall... that just took a a few steps backwards..

Canon EF 24-105mm f/4.0L IS

12/10/2008 01:18:04 AM · #10

This whole thread is sad.

Art Roflmao

Canon EOS-6D Mark II

12/10/2008 04:41:23 AM · #11

I am a stepdad who raised 3 kids from 1,2 and 4 to now 23, 24 and 26. <---see, I didn't kill them. ;-) Deadbeat dad situation there as well. I had a rough time at first, but when we had our first child together (now 16 and also still alive), a lot changed. I had a better understanding and felt even closer to my stepkids. They all still went through some major issues that I know were abandonment related, but they're doing ok now.

Anyway, Monica, I think stepdad crossed the line with the teddy bear slashing. While I don't know nearly enough to say it should be cause for great concern, I would hope you two can work together on some common ground rules. His reaction doesn't even seem appropriate regardless of paternity. An eye for an eye with a four year old? I don't think so. I hope you both can work through it, but in my opinion, your first responsibility is the safety and welfare of your children and they will already carry a burden with them for life, even though it may be better than the life they would have had with "real" dad.

Probably haven't said anything helpful. Just know I'm prayin things get worked out for your kids sake.

Canon EF 70-200mm f/4.0L USM

12/10/2008 09:41:36 AM · #12

Originally posted by Art Roflmao:

Anyway, Monica, I think stepdad crossed the line with the teddy bear slashing. While I don't know nearly enough to say it should be cause for great concern, I would hope you two can work together on some common ground rules. His reaction doesn't even seem appropriate regardless of paternity. An eye for an eye with a four year old? I don't think so. I hope you both can work through it, but in my opinion, your first responsibility is the safety and welfare of your children and they will already carry a burden with them for life, even though it may be better than the life they would have had with "real" dad.

I have two boys, ages 5 and 7. Both of them have a "Teddy", so I'm familiar with how kids that age bond to their "security blanket". Taking it away, threatening to take it away or worse, destroy it is simply cruel. From the child's point of view, "Teddy" is part of him, much the way he is a part of you, his mother. If you can imagine how you would feel if he were taken away, threatened etc.; that's how he feels when you or "dad" threaten it. There are other things to take away.

I agree with Ken/Art that stepdad's reaction seems entirely inappropriate and vastly out of proportion to the offense.

karmat

Apple iPhone 7

12/10/2008 10:19:50 AM · #13

Originally posted by Spazmo99:

Originally posted by Art Roflmao:

Anyway, Monica, I think stepdad crossed the line with the teddy bear slashing. While I don't know nearly enough to say it should be cause for great concern, I would hope you two can work together on some common ground rules. His reaction doesn't even seem appropriate regardless of paternity. An eye for an eye with a four year old? I don't think so. I hope you both can work through it, but in my opinion, your first responsibility is the safety and welfare of your children and they will already carry a burden with them for life, even though it may be better than the life they would have had with "real" dad.

I have two boys, ages 5 and 7. Both of them have a "Teddy", so I'm familiar with how kids that age bond to their "security blanket". Taking it away, threatening to take it away or worse, destroy it is simply cruel. From the child's point of view, "Teddy" is part of him, much the way he is a part of you, his mother. If you can imagine how you would feel if he were taken away, threatened etc.; that's how he feels when you or "dad" threaten it. There are other things to take away.

I agree with Ken/Art that stepdad's reaction seems entirely inappropriate and vastly out of proportion to the offense.

I agree with ken and spaz on the teddy bear issue. If I tried to take my almost 4 yo's "bear blankie" away, for any amount of time, she would be devastated. They call it a "security blanket" for a reason. Your son may be better able to deal with it though -- you know. I'm glad you saved the bear!

Hang in there! Blending families is never easy; finding that delicate balance that seems so elusive can be downright difficult, but I'm sure you can!

12/10/2008 11:35:39 AM · #14

thanks guys, you made me feel better on the " am I just over protective, let your kids do what ever mom" or " that is just wronghell no you don't touch his teddy teddy"

he's a good guy, he really is. He wouldn't be near my kids if he wasn't, which is why I had to vent with the teddy issue. now we do take teddy away on occation for the day, ( never the night) because my 4 yr old doesn't react to punishment AT ALL he is a liil terror! but you catch his attention when you get Teddy,

i have tried throwing his fav. cars away, ( putting them in the back room till he forgot about them then dumping them back in the toybox when he wasn't around) that didn't work.. I have tried making im go get a toy he had been playing alot with latley and saying it was mine now, and that didn't work. bustingthe hiney doesn't work with him.. time out doesn't work with him.. he is just a mini me and 10x worse... lol ( I was the saem way when i was a kid I ahve defanitly been punished)

PS. (teddy was snuck into his bed last nightafter dad went to bed to sleep with, and this morning we picked him back up....shhhhh)

Nikon AF Nikkor 50mm f/1.4D

12/10/2008 12:08:13 PM · #15

I'd recommend counseling. For everyone.

If taking away your son's "Teddy" is the only way to reach him and your husband feels OK with threatening a 4 year old with destruction of his "Teddy" and you, in turn, validate that as you have here, I'd say the issues run much deeper. I hope, for everyone's sake, that you guys can get it sorted out.

Originally posted by Photomom1981:

shamrock

Nikon D300

12/10/2008 01:24:37 PM · #16

Originally posted by Spazmo99:

This whole thread is sad.

No kidding. Destroy a 4 year old's toy? That's not effective parenting, that's just teaching the kid to be destructive.

How about a parenting class? Learn effective ways to teach your children, learn to work together. Don't argue in front of the kids, you have to present a united front. And try really hard not to project the same behaviors you are trying to correct.

Louis

Nikon D800

Nikon AF Nikkor 85mm f/1.8D

12/10/2008 02:38:39 PM · #17

Originally posted by shamrock:

Originally posted by Spazmo99:
This whole thread is sad.

No kidding. Destroy a 4 year old's toy? That's not effective parenting, that's just teaching the kid to be destructive.

I think it could be even more problematic than that. I think it could result in some severe personality problems. The toy is a stand-in "loved one", like a pet, and seeing it "killed" would be absolutely traumatic to a four year old.

But instead of listening to armchair psychology, I would also highly recommend some counseling for your family.

SaraR

Sony Alpha a7R III

Sony FE 24-70mm f/2.8 GM

12/10/2008 02:42:17 PM · #18

Originally posted by karmat:

If I tried to take my almost 4 yo's "bear blankie" away, for any amount of time, she would be devastated. They call it a "security blanket" for a reason. Your son may be better able to deal with it though -- you know. I'm glad you saved the bear!

My 22 year old would still be devastated, although her sot to is now just a rather disgusting raggy 'thing'!

Hope things are calming down for you now, Monica.

cynthiann

Nikon D810

Nikon AF Nikkor 50mm f/1.8

12/10/2008 02:51:52 PM · #19

Originally posted by Photomom1981:

PS. (teddy was snuck into his bed last nightafter dad went to bed to sleep with, and this morning we picked him back up....shhhhh)

Be careful with that. You might be teaching your little boy that it's OK to keep secrets behind step daddy's back. I'm not saying he shouldn't have his teddy, he absolutely should. But maybe you could convince your hubby of that and the both of you can think of a way for him to have it back... time served, so to speak.

My hubby stuck his finger in my daughter face and reprimanded her for leaving chips on the computer table, once. Later, when we were alone, I put a stop to that. He still complains but doesn't raise his voice or disrespect anymore. On the other hand, he sure is quick to pick up HIS daughters "chips" when she messes up. uhg.

12/10/2008 03:02:12 PM · #20

Originally posted by shamrock:

Originally posted by Spazmo99:
This whole thread is sad.

No kidding. Destroy a 4 year old's toy? That's not effective parenting, that's just teaching the kid to be destructive.

i understand his point in "destroying someting of his" because that is what he did. he destroyed something of ours, the wall, so in my husbands mind lets destroy something of his to teach him not to do that again.. I get the jist of what he was meaning behind it, but i would not agree with the destrction of teddy.

12/10/2008 03:04:33 PM · #21

wow, I post up one ranting issue on here and now we all need counciling?
good lord.

Canon EF 24-105mm f/4.0L IS

12/10/2008 03:14:18 PM · #22

Originally posted by Photomom1981:

Originally posted by shamrock:

Originally posted by Spazmo99:
This whole thread is sad.

No kidding. Destroy a 4 year old's toy? That's not effective parenting, that's just teaching the kid to be destructive.

i understand his point in "destroying someting of his" because that is what he did. he destroyed something of ours, the wall, so in my husbands mind lets destroy something of his to teach him not to do that again.. I get the jist of what he was meaning behind it, but i would not agree with the destrction of teddy.

Call a counselor, seriously. You and your son can go and I'd suggest that if your hubby won't go as a willing participant, you get out your suitcase again.

Even considering a "tit for tat" punishment with a 4 year old is ridiculous. If he hit your husband, would your husband hit him in return? You say he's a good guy, great with the kids and he may well be, but your posts paint a different and far more disturbing picture of the family dynamic.

Art Roflmao

Canon EOS-6D Mark II

12/10/2008 03:18:01 PM · #23

While I am not against counseling at all, I think the veracity of these armchair diagnosis and recommendations are over the top based on this one thread. If my wife posted all the mistakes I made while raising my 3 stepkids, you all would have lynched me by now. It sounds like she can handle things from here.