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08/18/2007 03:51:25 PM · #1 |
We always hear 'The Rules' from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
- Men are NOT mind readers.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
- Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we will never think of it that way.
- Crying = blackmail
- Ask for what you want: Let's be very clear on this one
A. Subtle hints DO NOT work
B. Strong hints DO NOT work
C. Obvious hints DO NOT work
D. JUST SAY IT!!!
- Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a doctor.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If you won't dress like Victoria Secrets girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask.
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.....NOT BOTH!!!! If you already know the best way to do it, do it yourself.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say "Nothing", we will act like there's nothing wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine....really.
- Don't ask us what we're thinking, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation or golf.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have to many shoes.
- I am in shape. Round is a shape.
- Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight: But, did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Edited: Eug, was supposed read don't ask.
Message edited by author 2007-08-18 16:07:20.
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08/18/2007 03:55:10 PM · #2 |
Originally posted by MrEd:
- If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do ask. |
Don't tell them to ask me THAT. That's just cruel. |
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08/18/2007 04:14:49 PM · #3 |
| "Eugie dear, do you think this makes me look fat??" she asks with fluttering eyelashes and dagger hidden behind back... |
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08/18/2007 04:17:54 PM · #4 |
The remote. You forgot to mention the remote.
"You been watchin' Jeff Foxworthy?"
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08/18/2007 04:45:35 PM · #5 |
Originally posted by BeeCee:
"Eugie dear, do you think this makes me look fat??" she asks with fluttering eyelashes and dagger hidden behind back... |
Yes? Er, um... I mean NO! |
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08/18/2007 05:53:33 PM · #6 |
Judi says -We always hear 'The Rules' from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
- Men are NOT mind readers. - Neither are we.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.- You would be if you had to clean it.
- Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. - Good...it gives me time away from you.
- Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we will never think of it that way. - Good...cause I don't like shopping either.
- Crying = blackmail- Do you cry that much?
- Ask for what you want: Let's be very clear on this one
A. Subtle hints DO NOT work
B. Strong hints DO NOT work
C. Obvious hints DO NOT work
D. JUST SAY IT!!! - That's the only way I speak.
- Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. - And don't you forget it either.
- Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. - And what are your girlfriends for?
- A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a doctor. - That has another name....a 'husband'.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. - Didn't you say that to me last year? Oh, that means this point is inadmissible!
- If you won't dress like Victoria Secrets girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. But I do! So what is your excuse!
- If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask. - What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.You had better believe it.
- If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. - I thought (according to you) there was only one way to do things..your way? So what gives here?
- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.....NOT BOTH!!!! If you already know the best way to do it, do it yourself.- I always tell you what to do...and end up doing it by myself...
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.- That's easy...your surfing capabilities prevent you from ever watching anything but commercials.
- Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is. - So what colour is your car?
- If we ask what is wrong and you say "Nothing", we will act like there's nothing wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle. - Usually you are the 'nothing'. Do you really want to hear that?
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine....really. - Only if it is 'Victoria's Secret'.....right?
- Don't ask us what we're thinking, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation or golf. - But are you prepared to be outdone in the knowledge of those areas? I didn't think so.
- You have enough clothes. - I know.
- You have to many shoes. - But not enough boots.
- I am in shape. Round is a shape. - For a keg on legs!!
- Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight: But, did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. - Yup...and 'tents' go down by themselves after so long!!!!
Edited: Eug, was supposed read don't ask. [/quote]
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08/18/2007 06:58:22 PM · #7 |
Originally posted by Judi:
Judi says -We always hear 'The Rules' from the female side.
- Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is. - So what colour is your car? |
According to the car dealership my van is "Iris." To me it looks like a dull blueish/gray color.
In reality it's starting to lose it's color. All that lovely "Iris" color is peeling right off and leaving a nice gray undercoat...except for the rust that is. |
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08/18/2007 07:01:06 PM · #8 |
Originally posted by NathanW:
Originally posted by Judi:
Judi says -We always hear 'The Rules' from the female side.
- Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is. - So what colour is your car? |
According to the car dealership my van is "Iris." To me it looks like a dull blueish/gray color.
In reality it's starting to lose it's color. All that lovely "Iris" color is peeling right off and leaving a nice gray undercoat...except for the rust that is. |
Hahahaha...I rest my case.
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08/18/2007 07:08:21 PM · #9 |
Add this rule to the mens list:
- Men can't have their own list without some woman adding to it.
*And off I go!*
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08/18/2007 07:10:07 PM · #10 |
Originally posted by yanko:
Add this rule to the mens list:
- Men can't have their own list without some woman adding to it.
*And off I go!* |
That's only because women invented lists!!! LMAO!!
Message edited by author 2007-08-18 19:10:20.
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08/18/2007 08:11:18 PM · #11 |
Originally posted by Judi:
- Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is. - So what colour is your car? |
White :P
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08/18/2007 08:27:06 PM · #12 |
Originally posted by Judi:
Originally posted by yanko:
Add this rule to the mens list:
- Men can't have their own list without some woman adding to it.
*And off I go!* |
That's only because women invented lists!!! LMAO!! |
hmmmm... I would agree with ya there.
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08/18/2007 10:17:03 PM · #13 |
Originally posted by BeeCee:
"Eugie dear, do you think this makes me look fat??" she asks with fluttering eyelashes and dagger hidden behind back... |
A (now divorced) friend was complaining that his mouth worked faster than his brain...His wife asked "do these pants make me look fat?" and he answered "Its not the pants."
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08/18/2007 10:55:10 PM · #14 |
haha. But I'm big boned. True true, but I've never seen a skeleton with a fat ass like yours.
Originally posted by hankk:
Originally posted by BeeCee:
"Eugie dear, do you think this makes me look fat??" she asks with fluttering eyelashes and dagger hidden behind back... |
A (now divorced) friend was complaining that his mouth worked faster than his brain...His wife asked "do these pants make me look fat?" and he answered "Its not the pants." |
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08/20/2007 05:09:14 PM · #15 |
Originally posted by Jacko:
haha. But I'm big boned. True true, but I've never seen a skeleton with a fat ass like yours.
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LMAO!!
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08/20/2007 05:18:18 PM · #16 |
| The rules set forth by women have been around for centuries, so when are you men just going to learn them? Also, "Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for." Since when has a man solved a problem? |
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08/20/2007 05:23:48 PM · #17 |
Originally posted by kate12303:
The rules set forth by women have been around for centuries, so when are you men just going to learn them? Also, "Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for." Since when has a man solved a problem? |
since I was born. hehe |
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08/20/2007 05:35:41 PM · #18 |
Originally posted by kate12303:
The rules set forth by women have been around for centuries, so when are you men just going to learn them? |
Sorry. I rebel against ALL authority. ;) |
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08/21/2007 01:15:36 AM · #19 |
The International Council of Manlaws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by A topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with his mates, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts To say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with his mates smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"
I hope this clears up any confusion.
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08/21/2007 01:54:09 AM · #20 |
Originally posted by BeeCee:
"Eugie dear, do you think this makes me look fat??" she asks with fluttering eyelashes and dagger hidden behind back... |
A female friend of mind told me an ingenious response to this question:
Nope. You're fat makes you look fat. |
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08/21/2007 01:54:12 AM · #21 |
Originally posted by jan_vdw:
7: No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. |
good one, i never realized this until you mentioned it, like now...OMG |
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08/21/2007 11:55:30 AM · #22 |
Originally posted by jan_vdw:
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
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Make that an Xbox 360 and it will be alright. |
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08/21/2007 01:43:00 PM · #23 |
Originally posted by jan_vdw:
22: Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
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at work onetime i was sitting on the throne and a guy came in and tried to start a conversation with me, it was the most awkward thing ever!
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08/21/2007 01:49:07 PM · #24 |
Originally posted by noisemaker:
Originally posted by jan_vdw:
22: Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
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at work onetime i was sitting on the throne and a guy came in and tried to start a conversation with me, it was the most awkward thing ever! |
It's Ok so long as he's on the throne too. You're on 'equal footing'. HA! |
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08/21/2007 01:53:05 PM · #25 |
Originally posted by _eug:
Originally posted by noisemaker:
Originally posted by jan_vdw:
22: Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
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at work onetime i was sitting on the throne and a guy came in and tried to start a conversation with me, it was the most awkward thing ever! |
It's Ok so long as he's on the throne too. You're on 'equal footing'. HA! |
He wasn't though! he was just like standing there..
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