I could really use advice. (sorry its long)

Sigma 70-200mm f/2.8 EX DG APO IF for Nikon

04/09/2007 03:00:30 PM · #1

This has nothing to do with photography! I'm needing advice on what to do next and if I'm over reacting.

I have currently been involved in an argument with my parents. It started three weeks ago. My parents stopped by on their way to Kansas City and told me that my dad was experiencing very rough time at his job and had placed an application to another place that he was told he would start as soon as his drug test came in. He's a very clean and drug free person so I'm thinking that won't take long. ( I promise this has a point)

Anyway, they left and then came back later that same weekend on their way back home. they spent the night on the couch even though I had cleared a path in my four year olds room and put fresh sheets and bedding down. I was up most of the night suffering from severe coughing and intence pain from my ear. In the morning my mom asked what I was going to do. I said I was going to go to church and take mom with me since my husband was going to help my father on a database. However, I felt misserable and was considering not going. My father then said that I need to go anyway. Bear in mind I'm exhausted and still in pain. I told him I didn't really want to go and that I would rather stay and visit. To which he replied to by getting dressed yelling at my mom to get in the car and leaving without saying goodbye to either me or my daughter who was excited that her grandparents were here.

The very next morning I went to a doctor and found out that I had pnumonia (sorry if it's spelled wrong) and a ruptured ear drum. My mom had called to find out how i was felling and I told her.

Two weeks later I go to my hometown for my sister-in-laws senior prom and I call my parents to let them know i was in town. My dad is angry and starts telling me about his miserable time at work. I ask why he was still there. Remember what was in the beginning of this story. He blows up at me and starts screaming that I just want him to fail, I've never been any help to him in my entire exhistance and that he doesn't know why that should change. He of course had a lot of extremely vulgar language and had my mother hang up on me. This brought up a lot of old emotions that I've kept at bay for a very long time.

The next morning they call to ask why I'm not at their place yet? I calmly told them I don't want to see them at the moment. They push it and i tell them I didn't deserve to be treated that way. To which they respond that I did and if I was still there more would happen. I lost it. I told them that no human being deserves to be treated that way, and I was through being treated like crap by them. I told them good bye and hung up the phone.

They called back and my husband tried to explain to them since I was currently indisposed in the bathroom balling. He didn't have any success. In fact they told him that they felt that I ran them out of my own house and I made up being sick to make them feel bad. We left town and went to our own home.

My mother then called the next day to continue the bilegerence. I asked her one question. Would you honestly treat another adult even my own brother the way you just treated me over the weekend? I recieved no answer but for a umm ahhh wellll. I told her that translates that she knows they never would and I wasn't going to stand for it. I didn't want to talk to her or get emails from them if I didn't get an apology from both of them.

My problem is that my daughter wants her grandma and grandpa. She loves and adores my husands parents but she has finally developed a relationship with mine. They didn't want much to do with her until lately. (another sore point with me, what can I say I'm screwed up)

I really need to know what I should do. How do I make them see what they did was wrong when they would rather sweep it under the rug like so many other times. Should I just continue to let them run all over me for the sake of my daughter, or should I hold my ground and try to make them see that they seriously hurt me? Please, if you were able to stay with me through this story, help with any advise.

amathiasphoto

Nikon D300

04/09/2007 03:10:41 PM · #2

Stand up to them!!!

If you let them walk all over you like that, they will:

A) have no respect for you in the end
B) Take advantage and walk all over your daughter

remember, you are your daughters roll model. You need to set the example on standing up for yourself to help make her a proud, strong woman in the future.

I know its hard. Hang in there.

cpanaioti

Canon EOS-40D

Canon EF 70-300mm f/4.5-5.6 DO IS USM

04/09/2007 03:12:42 PM · #3

I have to agree with the previous post. You need to stand up to them to set an example for your daughter.

You wouldn't put up with this from anyone else why would you put up with it from your parents. It's just harder to deal with when it's your parents.

MikeO

Fujifilm x100

04/09/2007 03:17:21 PM · #4

I think your parents are going through a pretty rough time at the moment, they sound very stressed. However that is not an excuse for the way they have treated you. You need to stand up for yourself otherwise they will continue to walk all over you. I belive you did the right thing in standing up for yourself. The fact that your husband had no luck when talking to them suggests they just dont want to listen to what you have to say, they seem to be selfish and self centred and do not seem to care how much this episode has hurt you. I know how difficult families can be and the problems and hurt they can inflict on one another. Stick to your guns, if they ring try and explain how much they have hurt you. Tell them you love them and want them to be part of your life and your daughters life. It is important for your husband to be your champion in this as well, he needs to make it plain to them how much they have hurt you, he needs to be strong and tell them straight. Otherwise they risk losing not only a daughter but a grandaughter as well.

Ozzie

Nikon D90

Nikon AF-S Nikkor 24-120mm f/4G ED VR

04/09/2007 03:21:39 PM · #5

Sounds like your parents are lashing out at you/seeking attention, knowing you'll take it.

Hopefully they seek counselling or realize what they are doing to you.

If that was me, I would avoid them and tell them in a gentle tone that you do not need to be treated like that, without respect. Easier said than done I guess.

Ouch, the ruptured ear drum is no fun, hope you're feeling bettter!

Apple iPhone

Sigma 24-70mm f/2.8 EX Aspherical DF for Nikon

04/09/2007 03:39:06 PM · #6

Well, speaking from similar circumstances....Your daughter needs to not see what your parents are doing to you. You need to set a great example for her and just say positive things about them, and hope that she sees that you are trying with your parents and that they are the ones who are wrong.
Sometimes parents are wrong in their behavior, and no matter how hard you try and how much you talk to them, they wont for anything come around.

cpanaioti

Canon EOS-40D

Canon EF 70-300mm f/4.5-5.6 DO IS USM

04/09/2007 03:56:47 PM · #7

Parents, as with anyone, you can't control how they behave. You can only control how you react to their behavior.

Ristyz

Apple iPhone 12 Pro

Canon EF 70-200mm f/2.8L USM

04/09/2007 04:25:58 PM · #8

Originally posted by cpanaioti:

Parents, as with anyone, you can't control how they behave. You can only control how you react to their behavior.

This is the truth and your key to changing thier behavior. Yes, it can be done but you have to use self control like you never have before to do it. It will be worth it for your daughter's sake. At your weakest (and most powerful) moments you will calmly say, "If you continue to talk to me like that, this particular conversation is over. I'll talk to you later." You can phrase this any way you would like, you CANNOT raise your voice, argue with them, plead with them. Just talk to them again later and as soon as the coversation sours or they get icky, demeaning, blaming, scolding, judgemental, or any of the related you will have to go straight to your calmly spoken phrase and then hang up. This might be one of the hardest things you will ever do and your husband MUST be completely with you and backing you up for this to work. In the meantime make sure your daughter gets to speak with them anytime she wishes to.

My brother's wife had this very same trouble with her Mom (father was never a part of her life) and I coached her with this issue. It took about 1.5 years of talking about nothing but the weather but they now have a good, solid, respectful relationship with each other. I'm not saying there aren't disagreements, there are, but her mother no longer spends every conversation bashing her and making her feel like she is nothing but crap. It is very hard to treat a parent this way 'cause no one can get under your skin like an immediate family member.... they know ALL the buttons. They key is YOU not being led into it. Recognize it the minute is starts to happen and immediately diffuse it calmly.

wavelength

Nikon D300

Nikon AF Nikkor 50mm f/1.8D

04/09/2007 04:54:15 PM · #9

Seems like there is a consensus that you did the right thing, and I agree with the rest. There is no reason that anyone should ever be allowed to treat you like that, or that you should sit there and take it.

Ristyz's advice is great, and agrees with some other things that I've read about on the subject. You can only control how you react, change how you react and you will slowly but surely change the behaviour. Don't try to assert controling behavior over them, like taking away your daughter or the limited availability the have to you if you can help it. Set boundaries, and set things on a repairable course. If they start mal-treating your daughter, or speaking badly about you to her, then you would have to limit and monitor their time with her.

On the demand that they apologize: again, you can't force them to do it. You can only control how you react not their behavior. They have obviously been in a controlling/mildly abusive relationship with you for years, that is not going to change overnight without a miracle (start praying) If it does, great, if not, as was said, it will maybe take years for them to realize what they have done and finally apologize for it.

Message edited by author 2007-04-09 16:55:01.

Pentax DA L 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 AL

04/09/2007 05:00:16 PM · #10

Thank you all for your advice. I really needed it. It truely is hard to stand up to my parents and to top it off I'm now getting the silent treatment from my brother. It's so painful, but in the same light my inlaws and my husband have become pillers of strength holding me up when I feel the weight crushing me. I just wish parents see what they do to their children. It definately is making me play more, hug more and hold more to my little girl.

I'm sorry I'm emotional. I really do thank you for giving me words to lean on when i feel I'm waining.

thomaspeople

Pentax K50

04/09/2007 05:24:38 PM · #11

I think we all have some dysfunction in our families at some level. Sounds like you got an extra portion in yours. I've had my share of similar experiences over the years. I won't add to the advice already given. It is very good, and I imagine you understand what is needed and really just need a place to vent and garner support. Always know that the friends at this site will be there for you and help where we can.
I will offer one gentle piece of advice for your husband - and this because I've been in his place in this - He needs to (gently and calmly) stand up for you and take the abuse for you. Parent/adult-child relationships are too close and the emotions too deep for you to take this on by yourself. He can provide a buffer for you, and by the way, strengthen your marriage in the process. From your earlier post it sounds like he's ready to do that. I just want to encourage you both that he's needed very much here.

Art Roflmao

Canon EOS-6D Mark II

Canon EF 24-105mm f/4.0L IS

04/09/2007 05:35:22 PM · #12

Just words of encouragement and support from me. All previous advice posted is sound. Besides, you probably wouldn't want to burn their village anyway. ;-)

Sounds like there is a long history of relationship problems. One thing I know is that it takes a lot of effort or a major event to move parent-child relationships into adult-adult relationships and some never survive the transition.

Good luck & God bless.

Spork99

OM System OM-1

Canon EF 100mm f/2.8 USM Macro

04/09/2007 05:39:39 PM · #13

I agree with the previous posts. If you want your daughter to have contact with and enjoy her grandparents, it's up to you to set the rules about what is and is not acceptable behavior from them. If they cannot behave, you will not stand by and take it, you will leave or if they are at your house they will not be welcome acting like that. Make it crystal clear to them. If they cross the line, you MUST follow through and separate your self and your family from their toxic behavior.

hihosilver

Nikon D200

Nikon AF-S Zoom-Nikkor 28-70mm f/2.8D IF-ED

04/09/2007 05:47:21 PM · #14

I can tell you from personal experience that as parents grow older they often reach of period of "second childhood." Remember, that although you love them, you are going to have to be the adult here and let them earn back their place into your heart and your family. Give care how your express your feelings about them especially in front of your daughter.

Give yourself distance and time to breathe before confronting them on any emotional issues. You have two good feet...it's time to stand on them, and let them follow YOUR good spirit and exceptional family leadership to show how proud they should be that they have such a wonderful daughter as you.

You have my full support and sympathy...:-)

SandyP

Canon EOS-5D Mark IV

Canon EF 200mm f/2.8 USM

04/09/2007 06:01:51 PM · #15

Mary!!! I'm so sorry! You can feel the pain and confusion just reading your post! So many of us have had difficulties in our adult life healing from wounds from our relationship with one or both of our parents.

This may sound harsh, but I don't know for sure that your daughter would benefit too much from a relationship with your parents while they are being so mean and inappropriate to you. I wonder if they would even put her in the middle and do more harm to her than good. Imagine the confusion if she is put in a position where she has to choose sides. And from what you've said about some of your parents' antics, I think that is a very real possibility.

My advice would be to do whatever it takes for you to be okay with putting healthy inpenetrable boundaries around yourself. And that means being serious about not accepting phone calls or emails as long as they are being so inappropriately toxic in your life. The job thing with your dad: NOOOOO EXCUSE!!!!! Not even close!

If you have boundaries around yourself that they can't get thru -- they will either straighten up -- or at least you won't be hurt by them anymore.

It's easier said than done tho -- for me -- I needed to get some counselling to help get the strength to put up those boundaries. But man. Was it ever worth it!!!!!!

I pray you will be granted an extra portion of wisdom to know what to do -- and the strength and courage to do it once it all makes sense and you know what to do!

God bless you Mary!

PhilipDyer

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

Canon EF 24-105mm f/4.0L IS

04/09/2007 06:28:08 PM · #16

Even though you know that your parents' behavior has nothing to do with you and is only a reflection of what they're going through, it can still be so hard to deal with how their actions affect you and your family. I agree that you should continue to stand your ground and let your parents know what your boundaries are. It's up to them to decide whether or not they will comply.

Also, I think kids are really good at handling the truth in these situations. You can tell them directly that your parents did something that really upset you and are treating you very badly, so you don't want to be around them until their behavior changes. I bet they'll respect your decision and will learn to stand up for themselves by watching your example.

David.C

Nikon AF Nikkor 50mm f/1.8D

04/09/2007 06:45:51 PM · #17

As others have said, there is no excuse for inappropriate behavior. However, I'm going to buck the crowd and say you should reconsider allowing them contact with your daughter. It seems they are determined to continue lashing out at you. If you stick by your guns and make it impossible for them to lash out at your directly (which you definitely should do), they will lash out at you indirectly. This means through your husband, your siblings and yes, even your daughter. Don't make excuses for them because they are your parents -- would you allow a stranger that treated you like that anywhere near your daughter?

The big question I have is if you dad is getting treatment for the drug problem?

David

04/11/2007 02:44:37 PM · #18

I've had a revelation today. I have allowed them to hurt me far worse than was intended. It's not an excuse, it's the truth. I was sitting in my pjs for the fifth day straight and moping as usual and I'm not even sure what opened my eyes. I looked in the mirror, and it was like, damn I look like crap. then I looked at my house and it wasn't in any better shape. I allowed myself to slip down this deep hole that I had climbed out of years ago. I truely thank you all for your words of encouragement. It's helped me open my eyes again and remember to live for what I have. I had to force myself to remember to stop living for their aprovall. I am never going to get it. And that made me feel ten times better than i have ever felt these past few weeks. I owe my husband so much, because as much as he hates living with a wrecked home he has done it with grace giving me the time i needed.

Thank you all!!!