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07/02/2003 04:13:38 AM · #1 |
A list of actual announcements that London Tube (Subway) train drivers
have made to their passengers.....
`Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound tracks and go in the opposite direction`.
`Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given
any.`
`Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination
anytime soon.`
`Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now...' Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall...'`.
`We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that`.
`Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me.`
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: `step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided`.
`Let the passengers off the train FIRST!` (Pause...) `Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...`
`Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions.`
`Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags into the doors.`
`We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door`
`To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?`
`Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put
the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the
door before I come down there and shove them up your arse.........
sideways
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07/02/2003 05:04:13 AM · #2 |
And then there are these....
Airline Announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been reported. I can't guarantee, that they are true, but they are amusing!
Rough Landings:
Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted.
That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt!
On the final approach of a flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Safety Announcements:
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt. And, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child ... pick your favorite.
Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.
Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children.
Warm Welcomes:
On a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
From the pilot, "XYZ Airline is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Exit Lines:
Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane.
Thank you for flying XYZ Airline. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business, as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of XYZ Airline.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than XYZ Airline.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!!"
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07/02/2003 05:50:29 AM · #3 |
Speaking of airplanes.
The attendants always go over the emergence proceedure and mention the seat as a floational device. But every crash I have seen on TV/News, I never see any floational devices floating......What up with that... |
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07/02/2003 06:05:33 AM · #4 |
Originally posted by Musicman:
Speaking of airplanes.
The attendants always go over the emergence proceedure and mention the seat as a floational device. But every crash I have seen on TV/News, I never see any floational devices floating......What up with that... |
Thats probably cause none of the poor buggers in the plane were strong enough to rip the seats out of the floor, to use them as floatation devices. Besides, if you hit the water at a couple of hundred Km/h, I don't think all the floatation devices in the known universe will do you much good.
Hey, I have to fly back to South Africa next month! Thanks for making me so much more comfortable with the idea of strapping myself into one of the pressurised metal tubes, to be shot halfway around the globe.
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07/02/2003 06:55:04 AM · #5 |
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He
figures he'll have little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking
dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
Kiwi)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief.)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool!" (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: "The sheep's a f*cking liar!" |
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07/02/2003 09:32:45 AM · #6 |
Everyone is up for fun and a sense of humor, however, we have asked others in the past to post jokes in the "rant" forum.
;) Thanks, and no hard feelings.. |
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