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01/31/2007 01:26:21 PM · #401 |
ahhhhh dam i just got that...... lol damn thats wrong... lol but funny
Originally posted by dwterry:
Gone fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.â She sleepily replied, "Tell me about it, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?" |
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02/05/2007 09:37:24 PM · #402 |
Received from: Lorraine:
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it!"
==============================
Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a pink bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
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02/05/2007 09:48:03 PM · #403 |
When people ask you ... How are you? ... they really don't want to know the answer. Notice how often someone says How are you? I just came back from the ...... babbling on with nary a 1/4 break between How are you? and what they want to tell you.
Well ... when people ask ME ... How are you? ... I answer right away ... I say ...
Did you ever lean back on your chair with the front feet of the chair just off the ground and then realize that you are very very very close to going past the point of balance and the chair is about to tip backwards causing you to smash the back of your skull on the floor cracking it and spilling your brains out all over the floor but then JUST in time you jerk forward and the chair's front legs thump on the ground and this incredible wash of relief and joy and personal achievement and bliss runs through your entire body?! ... I feel like that ALL THE TIME!
(paraphrased from Steven Wright)
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02/05/2007 10:19:58 PM · #404 |
...ever hear those comments: "hey, did you "pay" for that hair cut..ahh just kidding. Well if you were kidding, we'd both be laughing. Apparently you suck at kidding. Ellen Degenres
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02/06/2007 06:49:16 PM · #405 |
| The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), then hit this link. |
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02/17/2007 11:54:14 AM · #406 |
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
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02/20/2007 09:35:20 PM · #407 |
The Difference Between NPR and Fox News:
Fox would never have been able to resist assigning correspondent Libby Lewis to cover the Lewis Libby trial ...
Message edited by author 2007-02-20 21:35:49. |
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02/20/2007 09:49:46 PM · #408 |
How do blind people know when they are finished wiping?
McLean and McLean
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02/20/2007 10:30:08 PM · #409 |
| 2 blondes walk into a building...you would have thought one of them would have seen it. |
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02/21/2007 03:56:11 PM · #410 |
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex".
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair...flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." |
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02/25/2007 12:33:50 PM · #411 |
The new computer my sister, Jewell, and her husband bought had a program with a spell-check function, which they decided to try. My sister typed in her name, and the computer suggested the correction Jewel. "You don't know how to spell your own name," my brother-in-law said, laughing, as he typed in his name, Myron. No such word, according to the computer. It suggested Moron.
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Rita McGuffey |
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03/02/2007 04:19:24 AM · #412 |
Comic strip for the photographer community:
//shop.fotodojo.org/gallery/1842942#124238911
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03/07/2007 10:12:24 AM · #413 |
The reason that every major university maintains a department
of mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing
all those people.
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03/07/2007 10:19:20 AM · #414 |
a friend sent this to me
UCLA STUDY RESULTS ARE IN (very interesting and short)
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example:......If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.............................
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03/07/2007 11:48:10 AM · #415 |
Food for thought in this era of heightened awareness of copyright:
Received from: Lorraine
In the spring of 1955, Gypsy Rose Lee's good friend (and famed milliner) Mr. John showed her his forthcoming spring collection. Lee, having bought one of the hats, deciphered its design, made a dozen copies, and distributed them to her friends as Easter gifts.
Shortly thereafter, John happened to see one of his hats, atop one of Lee's fortunate friends, passing by outside his shop window. He immediately called Lee for an explanation. "Oh, John darling," she declared, "I'm so glad you called. I made a few copies of your marvelous hat, and I need some labels. The hats look so naked without them."
The labels soon arrived and Lee dutifully sewed them inside each hat. Their messages? "A Mr. John design, stolen by Gypsy Rose Lee." |
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03/07/2007 12:03:20 PM · #416 |
A man enters heaven, he sees a ocean of clocks with names on them. He sees that one clock that has Mother Teresa's name on it and the hands appear to have never moved and then he sees Abe Lincoln's clock, the hands appeared to have moved around the clock only twice. He asks St. Peter what was with the clocks and what do the mean. Peter said to the man, the clocks represent how many times in your life you have lied and that they will go around once for each lie.
The man then notices space where a clock appears to be missing. He asked St. Peter who's clock should be here. Peter said oh, that's Hillary Clinton's clock. Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan. :)
Message edited by author 2007-03-07 12:15:17. |
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03/08/2007 02:07:49 PM · #417 |
Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
So he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy |
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03/09/2007 01:36:07 AM · #418 |
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women' s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won
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03/13/2007 12:22:19 PM · #419 |
If I Only Had A Brain...
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politicians brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?" |
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03/14/2007 01:01:24 PM · #420 |
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03/14/2007 01:03:01 PM · #421 |
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03/17/2007 04:50:52 PM · #422 |
The Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage
my feet and hands........then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The frickin' funeral director would be my first
guess." |
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03/21/2007 11:53:00 PM · #423 |
The Baby Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father
to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened
to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and
perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get
to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be
held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted. |
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03/21/2007 11:58:08 PM · #424 |
pirate walks into a bar,
The bartender asks "what's with the steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants?"
pirate replies: arrrrrrrrr it's driven me nuts! |
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03/23/2007 02:43:41 PM · #425 |
When I lived in Missouri, a couple from the city moved to our rural area. Shortly afterward, they bought a ceramic buck, a doe and two fawns and placed the deer family on the front lawn. They were careful to remove the creatures before cutting the grass and dry them after a rain. We never realized how much the couple liked their little "pets" until the first day of hunting season. All four deer were clad in bright-orange vests.
-- submitted to Reader's Digest by Karin Ayres |
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