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01/30/2007 06:01:33 AM · #1 |
Men
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head thingyed to one side
as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad... I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION!@&$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and a tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*&^%* that hurt like hell!!! A minute
or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How
did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock.
Woman
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now ... the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet.â So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair
right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a Genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't
too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,
fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the
right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt
cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!! .... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip.
OH NO! What have I done???!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think
I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax
covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt
sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body
hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need
to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I
hear the slamming of a cell door. *Hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed
shut!
I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
off!â What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued Together is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the
bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put
in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before
and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and who-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo- ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now....I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should become the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off
with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered
in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike, and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I really, what do I have
to lose at this point? I rub some on and ..... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a
hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE ... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could
have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair
color... Now that's funny... Notttttttttt!!!!
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01/30/2007 06:04:33 AM · #2 |
Men: searching for sex
Women: searching for love
Men: women thought they would change after marriage, but they dont
Women: men thought they would never change after marriage, but they do |
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01/30/2007 10:54:44 PM · #3 |
| Holy crap that was funny! |
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01/31/2007 12:50:04 PM · #4 |
HAHAHAHA..... I was really laughing out loud. hee hee
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01/31/2007 12:58:52 PM · #5 |
| I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. God that was funny. BTW, you big dummy, tasers are for the bad guys. |
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01/31/2007 03:49:57 PM · #6 |
| Okay, I haven't laughed that hard in a LOOOONGNNGGGG time! Thank you! |
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01/31/2007 03:52:08 PM · #7 |
| I woke my husband up last night laughing so hard. |
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01/31/2007 08:36:03 PM · #8 |
Biggest laugh I've had in some time. Thanks!
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