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01/03/2007 10:17:26 PM · #376 |
I've enjoyed lots of laughs on this thread that I just discovered, so I need to add some of my own...
A 70 year old Italian man goes to his doctor for an annual checkup. After the physical, the doctor tells him that he is in excellent health and asks him his secret.
The man replies that he just exercises by playing golf several days a week and drinks 1/2 bottle red wine at lunch and the rest at dinner each day. He adds that his father taught him the secret and it has helped him. They still golf together.
The doctor asks incredulously..You mean to tell me your father is still alive!
The man replies ..yes he's 98 and in good health. but you should see my grandfather!
The doctor is stunned. You mean to tell me your grandfather is still alive?
Yes.. He's 118 years old. He is slowing down a little. He can only golf with us now on weekends. But we didn't play last Saturday, as we had to go to his wedding!
The doctor is amazed..Your grandfather is 118 and still golfs every week and he got married last Saturday! That's amazing, but why would a 118 year old want to get married?
The man replies..Who said he wanted to get married?
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01/03/2007 10:51:56 PM · #377 |
a catholic priest, a baptist minister, and a charimatic preacher all died and went to heaven; unfortunately, at that moment, as they were a little short on space, st peter asked satan if he could keep them for a while. satan agreed.
not even a day later, satan was demanding that st peter take them from his domain. "why?" inquired st peter. "well," satan replied, "the catholic has forgiven everyone, the baptist has been saving them, and the charismatic has already raised enough money to put in air conditioning!" |
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01/03/2007 11:39:40 PM · #378 |
A husband and wife were having marital problems. After much heated debate the husband gives in and agrees to see a marriage counselor.
The marriage counselor talks to both of them for awhile, asking how they met, how long they'd been together, what made them fall in love in the first place, etc, etc. Finally the counselor gets down to asking about the troubles the two have been having. Neither appeared ready to volunteer anything, so he suggested that they talk separately for a bit.
So the counselor sends the husband out of the room while he sits down and chats with the wife. He asks, "So what is it that's been bothering you?"
The wife answers, "It's my husband. He just never has any time for me any more. Work, work, work. That's all he can think about. I feel so alone."
The counselor nods his head understandingly. He, of course, has heard it all before. He replies, "I understand. Is there more?"
"Yes," she says. "He's just ... so ... embarrassing!!! I can't stand to out with him in public. He's always picking his nose!"
Hmmm... thinks the counselor. "Okay, I can see how that could be embarrassing, but surely that's not all. Is there anything else?"
"Yes," she continues. "There's just no excitement left. He never lets me be on top. It always has to be his way."
"Well, okay," says the counselor. "Maybe it's time to bring your husband in and talk to him about these things."
So he calls the husband in and begins to describe what the wife has just related to him and to question him about these "behavior" issues.
Suddenly the husband blurts out, "It's all my dad's fault!"
"Huh?" says the counselor.
"Growing up my dad always taught me three things: Work hard. Keep your nose clean. And don't screw up!"
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01/03/2007 11:47:26 PM · #379 |
How do you make a hankey dance?
Put a little boogey in it. |
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01/04/2007 09:53:34 AM · #380 |
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the
big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like
to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about
ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some
water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to cool him down some
more."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do any thing else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands up again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your injun runnin.' "
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01/04/2007 10:59:20 PM · #381 |
The Wedding Ring
A man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what would be more embarrassing, having your mistress find out you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
ouch
Message edited by author 2007-01-04 23:00:00. |
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01/04/2007 11:00:39 PM · #382 |
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
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01/04/2007 11:05:08 PM · #383 |
| roflmao - that's the funniest one you've ever told Leroy |
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01/05/2007 06:46:41 PM · #384 |
From today's email:
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb." |
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01/08/2007 03:03:48 PM · #385 |
Received from: B.B.
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But, if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise." |
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01/08/2007 03:55:31 PM · #386 |
THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006
SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Bef ore he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to w rite the exam with your other hand."
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01/08/2007 04:49:10 PM · #387 |
True story, happened to my friends cousin:
The 2 brothers walk outside:
Brother 1: Man its windy
Brother 2: Its not wednesday its Thursday
Brother 1: Ya im thristy too lets go for a drink.
Message edited by author 2007-01-08 16:49:41. |
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01/08/2007 05:22:04 PM · #388 |
Originally posted by kawana:
True story, happened to my friends cousin:
The 2 brothers walk outside:
Brother 1: Man its windy
Brother 2: Its not wednesday its Thursday
Brother 1: Ya im thristy too lets go for a drink. |
LOL! I heard that when I was a kid, how old is your friend's cousin?
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01/11/2007 10:36:36 AM · #389 |
.
(changed my mind):)
Message edited by author 2007-01-11 10:37:50. |
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01/15/2007 07:25:47 PM · #390 |
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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01/15/2007 09:01:13 PM · #391 |
One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there."
Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on. He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there."
A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue. He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!"
The fisherman, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager." |
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01/15/2007 09:09:43 PM · #392 |
Originally posted by KarenNfld:
Originally posted by kawana:
True story, happened to my friends cousin:
The 2 brothers walk outside:
Brother 1: Man its windy
Brother 2: Its not wednesday its Thursday
Brother 1: Ya im thristy too lets go for a drink. |
LOL! I heard that when I was a kid, how old is your friend's cousin? |
20ish i think he said, are you sure you heard this? My friend said it happened to them, maybe hes lying lol either way its funny :P |
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01/15/2007 09:20:07 PM · #393 |
Originally posted by kawana:
Originally posted by KarenNfld:
Originally posted by kawana:
True story, happened to my friends cousin:
The 2 brothers walk outside:
Brother 1: Man its windy
Brother 2: Its not wednesday its Thursday
Brother 1: Ya im thristy too lets go for a drink. |
LOL! I heard that when I was a kid, how old is your friend's cousin? |
20ish i think he said, are you sure you heard this? My friend said it happened to them, maybe hes lying lol either way its funny :P |
Oh my gosh yes, I am 40 and I heard this when I was 10 or 11!!
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01/15/2007 09:37:35 PM · #394 |
i love children
Time has changed.
There was a time when we said - I love kids.
People responded, wow , what a nice guy, he loves kids etc etc.
Now you say - I love kids
response comes - "Use condoms"
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01/15/2007 10:54:14 PM · #395 |
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says,
"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if was Italian?"
"Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?"
"Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot.
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01/18/2007 03:33:50 PM · #396 |
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. A bright light approaches her and as the light gets brighter, she sees God and wonders if, "This is it..."
God, omnipotent as he is, reads her mind and definitely says:
"No. This is not it." He goes on to explain that she has another 30 to 40 years to live.
The bright light fades away and the woman begins to awake. After her complete recovery, the woman decides to stay in the hospital and get a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in to change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 to 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
After the last operation, she walks out of the hospital and right in the parking lot, she's killed by an ambulance speeding up to the emergency room!
She approaches the white light again and finally arrives before God. She asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" To which God replied:
"Sally? Is that you? Oh, dear. Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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A photo shop got a reprint order for a picture of a man milking a cow. The man sat behind the cow, and all that was visible were his feet. A scrawled note read, "This is my only photo of my grandfather. Please remove the cow so I can see what Grandpa looked like."
================================
Received from: Lorraine:
A friend of the great comedian Phil Silvers, endeavoring to find a special gift for the proverbial man who had everything, was delighted when Silvers arrived for a weekend visit driving a Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud. "You won't need that bus this weekend," his host declared. "Let me take it in for a checkup." Silvers obliged and his friend hastily arranged for the installation of a built-in bar, a high-fidelity stereo, a color television set, and a VCR.
The Rolls arrived just in time for Silvers' Monday morning departure. "You'd better check before you start out, Phil," the friend casually remarked, "just to be sure everything is in shape." "Oh, that doesn't matter," Silvers replied. "It's a rented car."
Message edited by author 2007-01-18 15:49:15. |
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01/21/2007 11:53:01 AM · #397 |
| The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?" |
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01/31/2007 11:59:28 AM · #398 |
Gone fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.â She sleepily replied, "Tell me about it, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"
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01/31/2007 12:24:00 PM · #399 |
My Daddy the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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01/31/2007 01:19:58 PM · #400 |
Originally posted by dwterry:
My Daddy the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." |
Ha! I got that in email the other day only it was that the daddy played hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs.
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