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 08/19/2006 02:13:45 AM · #51
Originally posted by Neuferland:

First, the deadbeat dad, is he going to be a problem or is he out of the picture completely. You need to factor this in, how is she handling the situation? Is she going after him for child support, etc?


He gives her the minimum of what the court forces him to, but nothing else. The kids pretty much don't want to have anything to do with him. Very unsupportive.

Originally posted by Neuferland:

You also said you contribute to the household with money, just how much are you "helping" her out and with what? Things that are needed by the family or things that are wanted? There's a big difference there and that could also influence the kids attitude towards you.


Mostly things they need, such as school supplies, etc. Some treats like Happy Meals and small toys.
 08/19/2006 02:14:07 AM · #52
Leroy...I have to be honest with you...from what you have said it sounds like you are her 'crutch' at the moment. And I know this isn't what you want to hear, because I have been there and got the T Shirt.

If she really felt the same she wouldn't be talking about seeing other people IMO...if she were scared of getting hurt more relationships would be the last thing she would be thinking of.

As long as you are there, taking care of her like this, she cannot really appreciate you and perhaps takes you and your support for granted. If you confronted her with the all or nothing..she might say nothing...but then suddenly apart she may appreciate you in a way she can't NOW.

You deserve better than this and it breaks my heart that you are in pain. It's no one's fault, it's just the way it is. ;)
 08/19/2006 02:15:47 AM · #53
Originally posted by klstover:
If someone wants a committed relationship with someone who is not committing, I think money can be a valid issue. It is just one more way that someone can show their level of commitment.

Hope that makes sense.. I'm a little tired.


Not sure what you meant either but if you mean that spending the money is a way of showing her he's in for the long run, I have to disagree. Money before a marriage should be kept seperate IMHO simply because if he is doing most of the supporting of this family already or a good deal of it and she's still hesitating that tells me (please don't be offended by this next statment foto) that she's using him and has no intention of making any real commitment to him. The "That's Sweet" statement when he confides his true feelings is a big red flag to me as well.

My sister was married before, her husband was a cheat and liar as well. They only had one child. She dated quite a bit before she remarried and I have heard her on several occasions say the same thing to men when they professed their love to her(granted they were ususally drunk and in a bar) but even the ones who she did date on a regular basis would get that reply.

I'm sorry but my instinct is telling me that this woman is using him and will continue to do so until either
a. she finds someone else
b. he gets wise and moves one
c. always the correct answer
d. all of the above.

Deannda
 08/19/2006 02:18:24 AM · #54
She has 4 kids...whom I am sure she is also thinking of when she looks back at her previous relationship. Maybe she is afraid they will be hurt in the end if things dont work out? When I got divorced from Kristen's dad, I stayed single for 12 years - partly because I was trying to protect my self, but also to protect my daughter. This may be where your lady is at too.
She is also in college full time...sounds like she is trying to build some self security, a career, and re-define herself as the head of the family. Time for that and a relationship may be too much for her.

You...seem unhappy with a semi-serious relationship. Soudns like you have decided you want the "big" picture or nothing. There isn't anything wrong with that. However, both of you need to be at that same place. If she isnt, I hate to tell you this but you need to let go and move on. Find someone who appreciates you and wants the same things in life. You can still remain friends and if anything is meant to be it'll all fall back into place again later.

jmho
 08/19/2006 02:19:03 AM · #55
I've gone through and re-read your responses. My initial reaction to all this was - fight. I believe in fighting for someone you love, what can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic.

However, in light of everything discovered since the start, I'm now inclined to think you're eyeball deep in an unhealthy situation.

Here's the deal (and again, this is going to sound terribly cruel) - you're a shmuck, she's taking advantage of your generosity. No wonder you're broke. You need to get the hell outta dodge, fast. Better now than any later.

That's my honest take on what's happening here.

I'd go out with you, if I wasn't on to my third husband... ;-D Seriously though, don't waste another second of your time. As I said earlier - life's too short.
 08/19/2006 02:20:44 AM · #56
Originally posted by Neuferland:
Originally posted by klstover:
If someone wants a committed relationship with someone who is not committing, I think money can be a valid issue. It is just one more way that someone can show their level of commitment.

Hope that makes sense.. I'm a little tired.


Not sure what you meant either but if you mean that spending the money is a way of showing her he's in for the long run, I have to disagree. Money before a marriage should be kept seperate IMHO simply because...


All I meant to say is that his mentioning of the "money" issue was valid. I did not mean that he *should* spend money on her to prove anything to her. I just meant that, when he says he is broke and lonely, the broke does not necessarily mean that he is spending money and expecting something back because of that.

Sorry for the confusion... please tell me if things still aren't clear.
 08/19/2006 02:40:22 AM · #57
I'm just gonna be honest here, Leroy I respect you a great deal and you are one of the main reasons I keep coming back to this site.

I think you need to take off the "love goggles" and back way off though or you're gonna end up hurt even worse. From what you've described in this thread it sounds like she needs you more than she loves you. She may have scars in her past and may have trouble trusting people but when it really comes down to it, that's more of an excuse than anything.

I know you love her but you have to try and step back and see that you are with her more at this point because you want her to feel the same way, but she just doesn't. It is because of that that I think you would be better off to end it - better for you, better for her and better for the kids. The longer you stay in a relationship like that the more those kids depend on you. Eventually she may decide to "give in" and "fake" the love you want so badly because you are safe and you "deserve it" for sticking by her side. You can't fake love though, you either have it or you don't.

I know it's tough and scary to be alone. I know it seems like a horrible prospect to have to "start all over" again with someone new. In your heart deep down you need to be honest with yourself though. You know the answer already.
 08/19/2006 02:40:43 AM · #58
Whatever you decide it's going to be rough... I know it's so hard not to agonize over stuff like this but please try not to be so upset you make yourself sick... I really believe that in the end, you will be okay.

Off to bed for now, I think.
 08/19/2006 02:41:34 AM · #59
I think if she is wanting to see other guys you should cut your losses. She surely can't expect you to hang around while she tries out other models?? If it was simply a fear of commitment due to her past experience I'd say hang in there and be patient, but this sounds more like a lack of respect for you.
Just my unqualified oppinion. I hope I haven't upset you, I just don't like to see people get used.
 08/19/2006 02:42:25 AM · #60
Sorry for the slow response. Hard to type through tears. I guess I'm realizing I need to either grow a thicker skin or move on.

I don't like the whole moving on thing. I'm not good at it. FWIW, I've never dumped anyone. Pretty much, I've always stuck around til I got dumped.
 08/19/2006 02:47:24 AM · #61
I'm in tears now....*hugs Leroy*



Message edited by author 2006-08-19 02:49:02.
 08/19/2006 02:49:27 AM · #62
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
Sorry for the slow response. Hard to type through tears. I guess I'm realizing I need to either grow a thicker skin or move on.

I don't like the whole moving on thing. I'm not good at it. FWIW, I've never dumped anyone. Pretty much, I've always stuck around til I got dumped.


I'm really sorry this is hurting you so bad man. I wish there was something I could say but unfortunately love really hurts sometimes.

You are a good man and a valuable person. You deserve to be happy. Just keep telling yourself those things. I'm serious - and I firmly believe them to be true.

And it's ok to grieve over this, it's part of the process. It's also a testament to the kind of man you are. You deserve someone who can love you back just as much as you love them. Be strong, it WILL get better.

"I am a good man and a valuable person. I deserve to be happy."
 08/19/2006 02:54:00 AM · #63
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
Sorry for the slow response. Hard to type through tears. I guess I'm realizing I need to either grow a thicker skin or move on.

I don't like the whole moving on thing. I'm not good at it. FWIW, I've never dumped anyone. Pretty much, I've always stuck around til I got dumped.

I hear you man, but you may need to consider it.
 08/19/2006 02:57:44 AM · #64
After reading this thread I do feel for you and I'm not trying to be mean or harsh. But after going through your 17 post/replies here is what I have got out of your situation.

Are you willing to be a dad x4, a step grandson, and the head of a household of seven people to a woman that is devoiced that can only say "how sweet" when you say you love her? Be the head of a house hold to a woman that wants to see others even though you two have been physical. If she has been physical with you and can't say I love you, then the odd of he being physical with others as you play dad, grandson, and provider is high.

I'm sorry - I know it has to be hard and remember my questions are just that. For you to think about.
 08/19/2006 03:15:36 AM · #65
*Hugs and kisses for Leroy*... Dont be sad, I`ll give you all my "stupid stupid" points if that makes you feel better ;)

You seem to be a good man, at the end, you will end up with someone who will apreciate and love you the way you deserve...
 08/19/2006 03:17:50 AM · #66
Leroy - you've been a good friend here. I hate to see you hurting.
I just feel that you are only in for a ton more hurt if you stay with this relationship. It won't be easy to walk away from a person you love, but just know you have a lot of friends here to get you through it.

{{{hug}}}
 08/19/2006 03:40:53 AM · #67
Originally posted by ShutterPug:
It won't be easy to walk away from a person you love, but just know you have a lot of friends here to get you through it.

{{{hug}}}


Thanks Puggers, you and others here have been great tonight. There is a lot of support at this site.

You gys are really awesome.

I need to do some objective praying tonight.

As much as I love her, I just don't know if I have the strength to punch through the walls she has built around her.
 08/19/2006 03:44:12 AM · #68
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
I need to do some objective praying tonight.

Collective praying. I'm with ya pal.
 08/19/2006 03:50:20 AM · #69
She does want to see others, but you are taking care of her financially, loving her and her 4 kids, that's not really fair is it?

It's giving and taking in a relationship, and you're giving her way too much, without getting anything back...

You deserve much better Leroy, and I think she doesn't deserve you at all.

*kissie for sweetie*

(I don't mean to be rude, but it's hard to say this in English, I know you'll understand what I'm saying)
 08/19/2006 03:51:16 AM · #70
Originally posted by Gaby_G:


AWWWWW... Marry me!!!!!



How's the weather in Mexico right now?
 08/19/2006 03:52:39 AM · #71
Originally posted by biteme:

*kissie for sweetie*

(I don't mean to be rude, but it's hard to say this in English, I know you'll understand what I'm saying)


Everything you said made perfect sense Hanneke... I love you as always :-)
 08/19/2006 03:56:44 AM · #72
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
Originally posted by biteme:

*kissie for sweetie*

(I don't mean to be rude, but it's hard to say this in English, I know you'll understand what I'm saying)


Everything you said made perfect sense Hanneke... I love you as always :-)


aaah how sw-

love you too sweetie :P
 08/19/2006 04:11:43 AM · #73
Originally posted by biteme:

aaah how sw-

love you too sweetie :P


*giggles*
 08/19/2006 06:04:58 AM · #74
I've been in that relationship, it's not easy when the glaring light of realization turns off the love blinders and you can see what the relationship is / has become. Since you knew the question I believe you know the answer :(

*man-hug for leroy*
 08/19/2006 07:08:48 AM · #75
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:
[i]
I'm almost to the point where I want to say "all or nothing"...
I'm pretty much very confused.


i understand ... tell her that ! you'll know right away what's she thinking ... believe me ! and that could be you guiding light for the future !

confused ... oh yea baby :-)
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