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03/20/2006 09:58:17 PM · #1 |
Just got these from a friend, thought I'd share
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13.. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad
Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Is a TexasTornado And a Alabama Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!
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03/20/2006 10:09:38 PM · #2 |
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny
What happened when the cow jumped over the fence?
Udder disaster
Half of football is 90% mental.
What do you call an adolescant rabbit?
Pubic Hare
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03/20/2006 10:44:02 PM · #3 |
| I̢۪m wiping milk off my monitor now. :-) |
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03/20/2006 10:51:03 PM · #4 |
Just got these jokes
How long did it take for you to get them? :)
Message edited by author 2006-03-20 22:58:04. |
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03/20/2006 11:15:46 PM · #5 |
Came all at once. High speed internet about 2 seconds
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03/20/2006 11:38:33 PM · #6 |
New books:
"Ten Days in the Saddle"...by General Blueballs
"Rusty Bedsprings"...by Mr. Completely
"Yellow River"...by I.P. Daily
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03/20/2006 11:40:07 PM · #7 |
Originally posted by puma:
Came all at once. High speed internet about 2 seconds |
It was a joke...like the blond that never gets it.
: )
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03/20/2006 11:54:00 PM · #8 |
Hallmark Cards You'll (Probably) Never See
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you,
I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's
your sister."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me, like the need for therapy..."
"Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go, would you like to take this knife out
of my back? You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age--almost lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd
die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's
time you kept your promise."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what
say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like
you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket--
I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"
(Available only in Alabama.) |
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03/20/2006 11:56:34 PM · #9 |
Resume Bloopers
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1) I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2) I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3) Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4) Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5) Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6) Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7) Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8) You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9) Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10) I was working for my Mom until she decided to move.
11) Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12) Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13) I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14) I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15) I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. |
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03/20/2006 11:59:59 PM · #10 |
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03/21/2006 12:01:48 AM · #11 |
Good funny stuff.
Gotta admit though, when I saw the thread title, I kinda thought that these were jokes that were really good, but you simply didn't "get" until just now....
Wanted to see what all the fuss was about. |
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03/21/2006 12:12:42 AM · #12 |
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03/21/2006 12:25:34 AM · #13 |
A few others books....
"Rusty Bedsprings"... by I.P. Nightly
"Yellow Rain".. by I.P. Standing
"Russian Castration".. by Whobityer Kokoff
"Mad Dash to the Out House"...by Willie Makit, published by Betty Wont
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03/21/2006 12:38:13 AM · #14 |
Don't you just bloody hate these e-mails?
They all keep coming despite all the replies and death threats you send to the senders.
After a while, I just decided to change my e-mail address and give the trashmail address to friends and others. |
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03/21/2006 08:53:55 AM · #15 |
Originally posted by eschelar:
Good funny stuff.
Gotta admit though, when I saw the thread title, I kinda thought that these were jokes that were really good, but you simply didn't "get" until just now.... |
Just received the jokes ...
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
- Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
- A Nervous Wreck.
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
- Right Where You Left Him.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
- Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
- Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
- The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
- A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
Message edited by author 2006-03-21 08:54:54. |
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03/21/2006 08:59:42 AM · #16 |
| And here in Japan, I am trying to learn how to speak English in Japanese. |
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03/22/2006 04:31:06 PM · #17 |
Employee Performance Evaluation Laughs
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
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03/23/2006 03:45:58 AM · #18 |
I am planning on writing this book:
'how to learn nothing out of something'
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03/23/2006 06:33:25 AM · #19 |
found this on another site and it about made me and hubby cry we were laughing so very hard..thought I'd share
ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
>
> You know I had a hard time reading this because I was laughing so hard my
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> side hurt.
>
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by
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> a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
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> anniversary.
>
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
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> my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
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> for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
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> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
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> suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
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> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
>
> COOL!
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>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
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> triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
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> was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
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> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
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> arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
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> Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
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> spot is on the face of her microwave.
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>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
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> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
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>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
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> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
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> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
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> must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
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> and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
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> to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
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> want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
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> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
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> hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
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> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
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> to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
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> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
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> ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
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> would be wasting the batteries.
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>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
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> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
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> two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible
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> way!"
>
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
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>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
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> side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
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> from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided
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> to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
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> the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
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> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
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>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
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> in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
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> and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
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> position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
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> testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
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> the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
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> me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
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> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
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>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
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> of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
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> yourself.
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> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
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> a
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> violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
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> considered conservative.
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> SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
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> sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
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> (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
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> reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
>
> get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
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> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
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> bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm
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> offering a significant reward for their safe return.
>
>
> Still in shock,
>
> Tommy
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