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03/02/2006 09:25:58 AM · #1 |
here's my contribution - from an actual court case --
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just
lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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03/02/2006 09:32:01 AM · #2 |
roflmao~! this is too funny...thanks a ton for the laugh.
now i gotta hunt something down to add....hmmmmm
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03/02/2006 09:36:17 AM · #3 |
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03/02/2006 10:35:52 AM · #4 |
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03/02/2006 10:48:09 AM · #5 |
lol. duh.
Originally posted by ralphnev:
false |
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03/02/2006 10:49:15 AM · #6 |
Originally posted by ralphnev:
false |
You had to go and ruin it! ;) |
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03/02/2006 10:53:54 AM · #7 |
Ack! Ralph! We're lightening the mood! Quick somebody post a funny before we lose it!
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03/02/2006 10:56:58 AM · #8 |
Quick! Pull my finger !!!
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03/02/2006 10:57:35 AM · #9 |
Ok, I know it's bad, but here's one.......
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Message edited by author 2006-03-02 11:04:39. |
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03/02/2006 11:08:07 AM · #10 |
Originally posted by Jacko:
Quick! Pull my finger !!! |
/me pulls jacko's finger
then runs.
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03/02/2006 11:09:15 AM · #11 |
Originally posted by shutterfly:
Originally posted by Jacko:
Quick! Pull my finger !!! |
/me pulls jacko's finger
then runs. |
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03/02/2006 11:09:47 AM · #12 |
my curmudgeon hat is on today ....
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03/02/2006 11:12:00 AM · #13 |
Originally posted by ralphnev:
my curmudgeon hat is on today .... |
*Hangs a "pinch me" sign on the back of Ralph's hat* :)
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03/02/2006 11:27:53 AM · #14 |
A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat down. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, "what in the heck is going on"?.
The assistant replied, well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS"!!!
/me pinches ralph on the way out ;) |
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03/02/2006 11:30:21 AM · #15 |
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
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03/02/2006 11:57:00 AM · #16 |
found my thing to lighten the mood some here today:
Kermit the Frog
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
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03/02/2006 01:58:47 PM · #17 |
It's always good to check into the meaning of your slogans and brands before you start selling in foreign countries, as these companies learned a bit too late...
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant". |
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03/02/2006 02:24:22 PM · #18 |
Hahahaa! These are great! Keep em coming guys!
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03/02/2006 02:39:50 PM · #19 |
| A Chinese frog walks into a bank and says he wants to bite the wax tadpole. The teller points him to the Coke machine outside. |
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03/10/2006 07:37:07 AM · #20 |
sorry for dragging this one back out but i just got an email with the following and I just had to share it. It got a good chuckle out of me...
~~Cher~~ :o)
Nuts And Butts
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh-uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." The town council loved it, and finally everybody was happy. |
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03/10/2006 07:45:41 AM · #21 |
Hahahaa always up for a good giggle! :)
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03/10/2006 07:47:04 AM · #22 |
A drunk stumbles out of a bar, sees a Nun walking towards him, He knocks her down, kicking her as she's helpless on the ground. He stands over her and proudly slurrs:
"Not sho tough tonight huh batman!" |
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03/10/2006 08:12:58 AM · #23 |
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03/10/2006 08:30:51 AM · #24 |
Credit for this one goes to Shannon Calvert from a previous thread.
::::::
After many years of devoted service, the Hunchback of Notre Dame finally passed away. As the town mourned, the church held auditions for a replacement bell ringer. Though many offered to help, no one seemed to fit the part. Then one day a man with no arms asked to audition. The bishop was surprised. "How can you ring a bell with no arms?"
"Just listen," said the man. With that, he stepped up to the great bell and slammed his forehead into it. The bell rang out with an angelic chime that echoed throughout the hills. As the armless man continued beating his head against the bell, the townsfolk emerged to hear the glorious music. When the music stopped, the bishop burst into applause. "That was amazing," he exclaimed! But the man, dizzy from all the pounding, lost his footing and fell down the bell tower shaft to his death. The horrified bishop rushed down to the base of the bell tower, where a crowd had gathered. They all asked, "Who was this great musician?"
The bishop stammered, "I...I... don't know, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, another man knocked on the grieving bishop's door. He said, "I am the brother of the bell ringer who died so tragically yesterday. It would be my honor to take his place." The bishop agreed to an audition, and once again the bell rang out in heavenly song. The townspeople rushed into the streets to hear the familiar music, but just as he was finishing, the second man lost his balance and fell to his death. The bishop was mortified. Again he rushed to the bottom of the bell tower to face the crowd. They demanded. "Who was this man, who sounded so much like the first?"
"I don't know," the bishop sobbed, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother." |
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03/10/2006 08:47:27 AM · #25 |
Things you learn as you get older (So they tell me) ... and not to keen on the last one.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into Something acceptable to have dinner with.
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